KISS

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This photo captures the precise moment a drunken Peter Criss (left) regained consciousness and realised that Paul Stanley's hands (top) were on his ass.

KISS, or Knights In Satan's Service, is the hottest band in the land. It was founded in 1973 when lead singer Paul Stanley and bassist Gene Simmons had anal sex, got wasted and decided to "make each other feel pretty." After several awkward minutes of making out they finally decided to create characters to enact their fantasies. Two other like-minded individuals soon joined thus completing the line up. The name "KISS" comes from those first tender moments Paul and Gene spent together... with Satan.

In exchange for incredible fame and fortune, Satan agreed to make all KISS' fans just kinda not notice the blatant fact that Paul Stanley is a flaming homosexual. Satan also hired a limitless supply of naked women whose job was to make it appear that Stanley is actually attracted to them. As with most things Satanic, it worked. Or maybe their fans are just too stupid to notice such obvious things. Lost in the fine print of their contract with Satan is a clause stating that Stanley and Simmons had to wear Bea Arthur's wardrobe during the 80's.

The idea of wearing black and white face paint started from Paul's idea of wearing bright makeup and rainbow colored hair. Originally the band tied up Peter Criss and sold his body to large ladies down at the local dock. After raising a $1.69, they traveled to a fancy dress shop were they had enough money only for black and white, hence the image.

Paul Stanley McCartney[edit]

File:Kissssssss234.jpg
Paul Stanley in 2010. The rock 'n' roll lifestyle has taken its toll.

Paul Stanley (born Stanley Eisenberg,Stanley Einstein, Albert Weinstein, or whatever the fuck his name is) is a very talented guitarist but often acts gay to impress the girls. He has no idea that everyone in KISS thinks he is gay and doesn't like him. Starred as The Phantom in "The Phantom of the Opera" during a short run by bedding Andrew Lloyd Webber - when he didn't have to.

Has to be the shoes, isn't it Paul?

Paul is a talented artist of Oil Paintings. He once performed on stage as a walking canvas until his Johnson went sticking straight up, making Mona Lisa look like Pinocchio was telling a lie. Paul was arrested by cops for making such an asshole of himself in public and was later fined $900 plus free KISS tickets for life to the Policemen's Guild after pulling such a shitty stunt in public. Fans later threw stuff at Paul on stage, including an anvil that hit him right directly in the nuts. He has never recovered from the incident since then.

Gene Simmons[edit]

Born Chaim Klein Witz (Or however the hell you pronounce that name) in the peace-loving state of Israel, Simmons is the inventor of everything, a jack-off of all trades, and a master of your mom, your sister, your grandma, your daughter, and your wife. Has has allegedly bedded numerous women in spite of having a face like a schmuck. His girlfriend looks like a melted Barbie with all the botox and plastic surgery. His son is a closet homosexual who could pass for a drag queen without a little make up. His daughter, Gina, is the only female on the planet who Gene Simmons has never claimed to have sex with.

Gene's tongue sometimes is mistaken for his Johnson. Rumour has it that Simmons has the penis of a 2 year old midget, which might explain his sexual boasting.

It was rumored that Gene, along with Paul, did a song back in 1979 called "My Johnson Hurts", and performed it live at the Kennedy Center Honors that year to honor that dillweed of a prick, the Aaylatollah Khomeni. It was proven disastrous and never performed in public again. Gene said in later years that if the song was ever played in public again, He would "rather have a red hot poker go straight up my ass than rather sing it. I really fucked it up, big time!".

Ace Frehley[edit]

"Ass frei ist mein Held!" Hat die Anhänger in Deutschland geweint

This could happen to YOU!

Born Paul Daniel Frehley on April 27, 1951. He made all the nurses cry and cream their panties the second he came into this world, well err... landed on this world..he's from the planet Jendell where Superman got it on with Ace's mother and she soon gave birth to the son of Superman who took the name Superdrunk and began his career of fighting the evil Martians, holding his only heavyweight title of "inebriate of the inebriates" for a whole long run of twenty two years straight. And after he left KISS he later was the true creator of the band Dethklok until Ace sold Murderface a few guns and some heroin. It is rumored that Ace will live longer than Keith Richards who will only be outlasted by Steven Segal.

Rolling Stone called Ace "The worst shithole ever alive on this fucking planet. Why don't he move to Uranus and settle over there? We don't need a bunch of Jack Offs ruining the earth."

On December 28, 2000, it was reported by sources that Ace Frehley was indeed a reincarnated versions of Hitler and Brainiac. No wonder this Space Ace is one fucked up piece of shit to this day?

Ace Frehley keeps his personal life private, which means that he is one gay, drunken fag and an asshole in public... if he is! Even if he is a faggot, nobody would know. Not even Ace! Fuckn' Douchebag!

Peter Criss[edit]

.

Born George Peter John Criscuola on December 20, 1945, is a drummer worthy of getting the Nobel prize, as well as receiving blow jobs for being noodle armed. Is well known for losing his temper and has fired more weapons than hitting the drums. The only KISS member to have fans as well as having no talent whatsoever to have earned it.

Peter Criss dropped out of public sight after a hunting accident years ago. According to his agent, Ted Nugent shot Peter in the groin area, blowing off his nuts and severing his Johnson. It was dubbed "The Criss Castration Accident." The Motor City Madman stated that Criss was "open game", and that the hunt was fair. No charges were ever filed against Uncle Ted, who was responsible for destroying Peter's manhood. A lawsuit was filed, but was settled out of court. The dumb shit should have known better than hanging around with Ted "Fuckin'" Nugent with an AK-47.

Eric Carr[edit]

He joined KISS after Peter ran out of coke and tried to raid Gene's bank account. Carr's first costume design was a giant chicken with a huge nose. Eric Carr wrote most/all of KISS's tracks after Peter Criss's departure in 1980. His monster drumming is featured on the track "Heaven's On Fire", the anthem of the Chicago Bull's.

Vinnie Vincent[edit]

.i have boobies

Once upon a time, a fish and a human woman spawned a baby named Vincent Cusano. Vincent Cusano was an amazing guitar player who could shred so fast, he could play songs that had negative time signatures. Vincent released three albums with KISS: "Sellouts", "Hobos of the Night" and "Gay it Up". Sadly, Vincents time with KISS was short lived. Due to the expensive stage set, and the likelihood of the universe to explode from Vincent's negative time signature playing abilities, Vincent was kicked out of KISS (He was also kicked out because he was slowly beginning his transformation into a female as you can see to the right his cleavage). Vinnie Vincent gave the depressed image to KISS what later became a reason why World War II started.

Oooh, and he was kind of a depressing person, too. But that doesn't matter. He can play negative time signatures, man!

The Goodyear Blimp[edit]

The Goodyear Blimp was an active member of KISS for only nine months. He played on one Album, "Americanize", and only managed to play three shows. On some audio bootlegs of shows from that tour, The Goodyear Blimp only plays half of a show. This is because Goodyear needed him for a sports event, and the TV network wanted to try out a new camera that would be positioned on the blimp.


Some Random Hindu Guy[edit]

The Hindu Guy was in KISS for about ten years. He replaced the Goodyear Blimp as KISS was going for a more "friendly" approach.

You really couldn't expect him to do anything on stage. A sitar doesn't go with Kiss. He also fucked up the solo for Calling Dr. Love quite often. And King of the Night Time World, but who gives a Johnson, he's a fecking awesome Guitarist.

Mark St. John[edit]

Mark St. John (aka, the Goodyear Blimp) holds the record for being in KISS for the shortest period of time. He was officially a band member for exactly eleven seconds. He was a great guitarist, he went on to do various other projects, his last album a instrumental called "The Magic Bullet Theory" was some great work, sadly Mark Norton died! R.I.P!

Eric Singer[edit]

Regarded by many as 'the shitty drummer who replaced Peter Criss', even though, unlike Criss, Singer can play the drums properly.

Tommy Thayer[edit]

Less said about him the better... unless the gay rumors start bringing shit on this guy! Let them prove it! He is one freaking good gutiar player! and he is not gay!..but ehh..Franken heads are kinda scary though..so maybe!

"KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park"[edit]

In the year 1978, when disco ruled, pet rocks roamed the earth, and everyone was snorting and shooting Pop Rocks And Heroin, Kiss decided to further milk their non-talent by making the made-for-TV movie "Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park". The film was a critical and commercial masterpiece and went on to win Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Hair, Best Action Scene With a Wolfman, Best Acting by a Musician or Retard, and Best Make Up.

The basic plot is a direct lift from Dante's Inferno only instead of Hell, the setting is Magic Mountain in California. Since its release, the movie has been praised as an edgy Postmodern treatise that navigates the precarious line between receiver, message, and agent in a way reminiscent of the works of Ingmar Bergman. It also deconstructs such thorny issues as Third Wave Feminism and Class Conflict in a amusement park setting. Plus they play "Shout It Out Loud" and Ace shoots thunderbolts from his fingers. Fuckin' COOL!

Notable actors such as Laurence Olivier and Marlon Brando approached KISS to make a sequel, to which they declined, having rocked and/or rolled all night and partied every day to which caused them extreme exhaustion.

To this day, the members of KISS maintain that "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" is their proudest achievement.

KISS Today[edit]

These day's KISS spend all there time re-releasing and recycling the same greatest hits albums over and over. Each year the same few tracks are put onto a new CD with a different name, where one track will be a live version. KISS decided this was the only way to make money after they released Psycho Circus in the late 90's and no one liked it. KISS officially retired, and did a farewell tour. That tour seemed to bring in more money then the band had made in years, so when they're not recycling the same greatest hits compilation CD's, they often go on tour with another Farewell Tour.

2009 marked the tenth anniversary of the Farewell Tour, and Gene Simmons said something like, Blah blah blah, we can't write decent songs anymore, blah blah blah, KISS is a business, blah blah blah, and that business is selling the same compilation CD's all the time, and planning our next farewell tour. He then went into some rant about a three some he had with 25 girls, all of whom had Adams apples.

KISS beat out Alice Cooper for the "Most Fucking Compilations/Greatest Hits Albums Ever Released By The Same Artist" awarded to them in 2010 by the Parcllub Industry life time achievement awards.

They then finally released a sellout rap album called Fashizzlin' Sonic Boom Joom. Gene Simmons was quoted saying "We haven't sold out enough, need to milk more money out of the KISS name".

Written by a guy who puts the apostrophe s where it is NOT supposed to go, and refuses to put it where it does go.. way to go, retard... write a whole article and fuck it up with poor editing skills.. gg.

Discography[edit]

  • Pocket Rocket" (1974)
  • "Cream Cannon" (1975)
  • "Whore Hose" (1976)
  • "Chick Stick" (1976)
  • "Love Gun" (1977)
  • "Tramp Tube" (1979)
  • "Penis" (1980)
  • "Penis-Remastered" (1994)
  • "The poop That Took A gene" (1995)