- You may be looking for The KTs and not even know it!
“Took her virginity too. Nope, the other virginity. No, no, to the left! That one. Hehehe...”
“You weren't answering your cell phone, so I didn't know where else to put this. I need the external hard drive thing back by Monday. Oh, and don't look in that folder called "pics mom". Some of that stuff will mess you up for life.”
“*Inarticulate insect noises*”
KT 'Clit' Cuntstall (KT being Gaelic for Katy) is a Scottish musician, MP, pagan goddess, government criminal and the presumed head of the KT Tunstall Headed Scottish Independence Party (KTTHSIP). She is known to be sleeping with Amplifico band member Donna Maciocia.
Wanted for countless crimes including larceny, bad music, good music, animal rights violations, terrorism, political fraud, and using hacks in Counterstrike, she is currently the most wanted person in Scotland and 2nd most wanted in the UK (after the Sealand guy). The current bounty on her head is over £95, and it is estimated to rise by 7% by 2009. Despite this, she was democratically elected to the Scottish Parliament in 2006 as the first KTTHSIP Party MP in the country’s (sorry, constituent country) history. Under Federal Law, she is allowed to attend parliament meetings and cannot be arrested while in the Scottish Parliament Building. However, as soon as she sets foot outside the building, it’s pretty much a free-for-all. This is why she spends most of her time in the Scottish Parliament Building and in her fortress and evil lair at the Isle of Skye. Tunstall is perhaps best known for her crossover hit "I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker With Ribbons In My Hair" and her notorious drunken performance of "Candle in the Wind '97" on Later... With Jools Holland.
The letters KT are her initials, which stand for Kaenevorseg Toulensailt (Scots for All Your Base Are Belong to Us); however she Anglicized it to Katherine Tareequa for the sake of her music career. She was born in Shanghai, China to a Scottish mother and Fang Chinese father. Her birth name was probably either Xu Fen or Fen Xu, but it was promptly changed when she moved to Scotland with her mother. Her mother married a fiercely nationalist musician from Galloway named David Davids, who taught his stepdaughter how to play the guitar, lute, bagpipe, Irish harp, nose flute, and an obscure instrument called the Foetus Guitar. Today, KT Tunstall’s crimes include the non-consensual abortion and improper disposure of over six thousand foetuses. However, since most of them were third world kids, nobody really seems to care.
Early Political Career
In 1980, KT Tunstall’s stepfather formed the David Davids Headed Scottish Independent Party (DDHSIP). He ran unsuccessfully for the Scottish Parliament over thirty times before his death in 1992. He even ran for two separate parliament seats in 1986. Upon his death, KT took over the DDHSIP, renaming it to the KTTHISP. She published the KTTHISP Manifesto, a document outlying the party’s goals and ideals. Two separate versions were published. The normal version was a sixty-seven page document outlying the facts of today’s Scotland, why it should be independent, the means of the KTTHISP to achieve independence, and the party’s goals for the nation once it achieves independence. The TL;DR version reads, simply, SCREW UK! Although she failed to win a parliament seat in three elections, her TL;DR manifesto became an internet meme and gained popularity in 4chan’s /b forum. Numerous parodies of the manifesto were created, including furry, Mexico, Star Trek, The Serbian Issue, Mudkip, Cuban embargo, and Barack Obama versions.
Thanks to the 4chan popularity, Tunstall’s party gained several thousand followers. Since most of them were 4chan trolls, pedophiles, Wapanese, Goths, and simple nerds, Tunstall saw an excellent opportunity to advance her political agenda and remove these failures from the face of the earth at the same time. With her loyal army of nerds and /btards, KT Tunstall and her new secretary, Norah Jones began to plan their raid on the Isle of Skye, an island famous for its… island-ness.
The 2002 Isle of Skye Siege
At 5:02 AM on June 9th, 2002, the Isle of Skye police station received an anonymous call. No, not anonymous the omniscient force, just someone who didn’t want to reveal their identity. The caller reported that he had spotted six German U-Boats off the island’s southern coast. The caller was dismissed as a mental patient. Six minutes and forty-nine seconds later, an explosion collapsed the police station and killed the island’s entire police force (eight men, two women, Haley Scarnato, and a Japanese hermaphrodite), save one. Haley Scarnato managed to survive despite the disfiguring facial injuries she received. She moved to the USA, got some really good plastic surgery to become hot, and made it to the Top 8 in Season Six of American Idol.
With the police armory taken by KT Tunstall’s raiders, the only other source of weapons on the entire island were eleven 10-gauge shotguns belonging to Malcolm McMillan, a 101-year-old farmer. The island’s citizens prepared a defense at McMillan’s farm, planning to ambush the nerd army. However, Tunstall set up propaganda broadcasters across the island that spread nationalist propaganda and swayed the entire population of the island to her side, save Haley Scarnato (now in a coma) and two Polish immigrants who could not understand the broadcast. Tunstall then detonated the bombs she had put in each one of her nerds’ Samurai swords, which they had insisted for because it made them feel badass. Not a single nerd survived, and Tunstall had taken the island that would become her impenetrable fortress of nationalism and Scottish pride.
Despite her hectic political life and her fugitive status, KT Tunstall still found time to embrace her other love – music. She recorded her first demo in 2003 in her own recording studio at Skye. The demo mixed acoustic and soft rock music with mainstream pop and Scottish folk. Most of the songs were about Scottish Independence, but the standout track Other Side of the World was a song solely about geography. The song gained her a contract with Virgin Records. She released her debut album Eye to the Telescope in 2005 to widespread popularity and great financial success. The lead single, Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, became the world’s first successful single about horse ranching and cherry farming. The follow up was Suddenly I See, Tunstall’s most successful song. Devoid of Scottish nationalist lyrics, Suddenly I See was more widely accepted by the mainstream market and the American market than her strongly nationalist tracks. The song was so good and successful that Tunstall was charged with, two counts of releasing music so good it reminds people in how bad a coma the music industry is today. This charge is a felony under British Law, but only a misdemeanor under Scottish Law.
Unfortunately for Tunstall, she would never release a single as successful as her first two. Her next two singles, Secede and Liz Is Not My Monarch (The Whisper Song II), both flopped miserably outside of Scotland. Tunstall was charged with two counts of making music so bad that it actually makes the music industry’s coma even worse. This was a felony under both British and Scottish Law. Added to her terrorism charge, eleven counts of premeditated murder, and 4,256 counts of illegal possession of firearms, this made her an official fugitive of the law by the terms situated by the Scottish Fugitive Act of 2001. Tunstall’s music was legally banned in the UK, but her first two singles continued enjoying great success in the USA, France, Sweden and Japan. They were also distributed illegally though peer-to-peer systems.
Tunstall’s second album, KT Tunstall’s Acoustic Extravaganza, was distributed illegally to an eager and nationalistic Scottish audience. However, it received very negative reviews and sold very poorly in the countries where it was not illegal. Critics flamed it for recycling three tracks that had appeared in her debut: Throw Me a Rope, Unbelievable, and Vote KTTHSIP. Only one single, Ashes, was successful financially and received significant airplay. The song, which is about the eruption of the volcano Mt. Morcair in northern Scotland, is considered by most to be a metaphor of the eruption of Scottish nationalism Tunstall had bred. The second single, There’s a Fine, Fine Line, was a remake of the song from the Broadway musical Avenue Q. The following single, A Rock Song with Bagpipes, was moderately successful in Switzerland. However, the Swiss peoples’ natural neutral-ness stopped most of them from receiving the strong message in the song. The final single, I Won’t Date You (Unless You Wear a Kilt), failed to even chart in the UK Top 100. Tunstall received six more bad music charges and one more good music charge for Ashes.
In early 2007, Tunstall announced at a press conference in an undisclosed location in the Isle of Skye that she plans to release a third album, Drastic Fantastic. She has stated that, “I want to divert from my traditional song with this one. I’ve been doing some pretty controversial songs with some pretty important messages, but I think I want to go more upbeat with this one. It’ll probably have some more traditional themes to most of the tracks and less things that certain idiots to the south of us can get outraged by.”
Although nowhere near as successful as Eye to The Telescope, KT Tunstall’s Acoustic Extravaganza did great things for her political career. The song Vote KTTHSIP gained more widespread attention than when it was first released in Eye to The Telescope. Vote KTTHSIP simply consisted of Tunstall singing her most powerful speech with a light acoustic accompaniment. It was heavily criticized in England but embraced in Scotland. Mainly because of the song and Tunstall’s other music, the KTTHSIP received a breakthrough two seats in the Scottish Parliament during the 2006 elections. Tunstall herself was elected from her home district of Fife. The second electee was Rupert Grint (AKA Ron Weasley from Harry Potter), who had attended one of Tunstall’s speeches. Emerging from the speech, Grint declared himself a Born-Again Christian and stated, “this woman and her cause have changed my outlook on life. I will follow her cause if it takes me to the pits of hell.” When asked about his plans for an independent Scotland, Grint responded with, “What’s Scotland?”
Grint was murdered two days after the election, but KT Tunstall has made great strides toward complete independence for Scotland. In late May, the Scottish Parliament passed the Robert Crey Act by a 97% vote. The only people who voted against the bill were those asswipe Presbyterians. The act officially reopened diplomatic relations with Robert Crey Island, an island nation in the Honduras Bay Chain inhabited primarily by pro-independence Scots, and a couple boatloads of Armenians. But we all know that those guys will get on a boat to anywhere as long as it leaves Armenia.
Animal Rights Controversy
In late 2006, KT Tunstall was the center of a large controversy among animal rights groups everywhere. The controversy arose from an interview with CNN reporter I. C. Urdik in the town of Suicide, New Jersey. When asked about her successes in parliament with the Robert Crey Act and others, Tunstall responded with the following, extremely offensive answer:
“The boys and I were extremely proud after passing that (Robert Crey Act) bullshit. We got back to (Isle of Skye) the nuthouse, opened up a couple brandies, (killed) raped a few sheep and got some fresh haggis going. I played (Suddenly I See) my amazing, chart-topping hit on the (guitar) wee bastard and we got drunk until every one of us was covered with vomit like the day his mum birthed him right out from her tubes. Now, have you had a spot of this waaal champy, love?”
Although Tunstall clearly meant “killed” when she said “raped,” (‘raped’ is a Scottish slang term meaning ‘iced’, which is an American slang term meaning ‘killed’), the quote angered countless animal rights advocates across the world. The most notable protest was at Cambridge University, where a bunch of sophomores with nothing else to do (screw studying for finals, man. We’re all fucked in anatomical physics anyway. And God knows we’re assraped in Advanced Swedish Literature) decided to host a million man march on campus against Tunstall and Scottish Independence. Unfortunately, only twelve students showed up.
Tunstall appeared on Larry King Live a few days later to argue her case. Unfortunately, she spoke entirely in an obscure Scots dialect found mainly in the eastern highlands. Nobody could understand her, so the controversy continued. It finally died in mid-2007, when the Don Imus controversy was decreed “much more offensive” than Tunstall’s.
2006 Brit Awards
Tunstall, obviously the worse for wear, was caught on camera howling along to Prince's performance at the 2006 Brittania Music Awards. On her arm was none other than TV's Doctor Raj Persaud, who had a can of Tennant's Super in one hand and a spliff in the other. The pair have since split up, citing irreconcilable political differences.
- Unnamed Demo (2003)
- Brown Eye to the Telescope (2005)
- KT Tunstall’s Pussy Extravaganza (2006)
- Drastic Fannytastic (TBA 3007)
- Unnamed Song (Unnamed Demo)
- I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker with Ribbons in My Hair (Eye to the Telescope)
- Black Horse and the Cherry Tree (Eye to the Telescope)
- Other side of the Fallopian Tube (Eye to the Telescope)
- Suddenly I See (Eye to the Telescope)
- Under your Skirt (Eye to the Telescope)
- Liz Is Not My Monarch (Eye to the Telescope)
- Ashes (KT Tunstall’s Pussy Extravaganza)
- I Won’t Date You (KT Tunstall’s Pussy Extravaganza)
- Hold On (Drastic Fannytastic)
- Shaving my Fanny (Drastic Fannytastic)
- If Only I Could Fuck you (Drastic Fannytastic)