Der Kaiser

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General[edit]

This is NOT to be viewed by children and People without sexual orientation or still searching for it!

Der Kaiser (or YMCA- malfunction) is a disease, which slowly turns normal people into hysterical laughing homosexuals with extreme self-confidence. It's also the common name of the person, which spreads the decease, mostly in Rheinhessen / Germany (not the communist part of this country, but, for sure, very evil and dark).

The disease was first discovered in 2004 by Barney, the dinosaur, who dramatically crashed with a plane near Australia, just a few months after his big discovery. This is the reason for several conspiracy- theories about this event.

There are several symptoms which indicate an infection with the so called "Der Kaiser- Disease". Some patients report "laughings sounding like they came directly from hell". These sounds are considered to just sound gay, however, most patients are not aware about that fact.

A second symptom is the so called "Der Kaiser- Disease- mind fuck". This also is the last part of the infection which can really be noticed by the patient, starting just 3 to 5 weeks after getting the disease.

The last step is the "deep sleep", when the patient completely loses control about his body. His mind can be considered as death after a few days under this condition.

A famous example for the terrible effects of "Der Kaiser" is The Hoff, who started a successful career as a highly intellectual movie and TV- actor and suddenly started to act and look gay. This is nothing else than a standart infection. Some people also say that Alf was a victim of this terrible infection.

Modern medicine still has no clue about the source of "Der Kaiser". Possible ways of infecting with the disease are wearing pink clothes, saying words like "ZOOM", "sweep- swoop" or "France", and feeling uncomfortable with the own body or salad dressing.

Fighting The (pronounce: Se) Kaiser[edit]

The brave members of the Heterosexual Self-Defense Office (Heter-O) see it as their mission to fight Kaiserness and help those, who can't help themselves anymore.

The poster in the beginning of this document of faith is just one example for the many actions of Heter-O's in the fight for their cause!

The Battle at Fort McHenry[edit]

In 1814, the American army fought against the Fleet of Kaiser Chief, a privat fleet under command of french admiral Florence Kaîsère, trying to attack Fort McHenry near Baltimore. Only because of the fact that the Fleet of Kaiser Chief didn't contain any ships, the French couldn't leave their odd country and the battle was won by the US.

However, it was a very rainy day, so several million warriors died on both sides. That night, some guy was inspired to write the ass- kickin' lyrics for the United States anthem, The Star Spangled Banner, because the American flag survived the cruelties of that bloody event without a single damage.

Later on, the surviving French warriors invented the Baguette in honor to Florence Kaîsère's left middle finger. This laid the cornerstone for the Der Kaiser- disease, because Baguettes are ugly. They actually stink. Blame France.

Although France is responsible for this act of inhumanity and violence, they were that evil to blame the wonderful United Kingdom, a country fighting for America's independence in those days. Until today, the UK has to suffer from this act of frenchness and unamericanism.

All those bad powers were combined in one piece of antimatter, called The First Baguette. Every single slice of any Baguette contains the power of Kaiser, making people to "Others" (sometimes they're just called gay). Because of the infection's fast spread, in the late 70s, all "Others" were banned onto an island in the South Pacific. Nevertheless, a few "Other" could hide p.E. in Finland, founding the famous funk group Lordi. Other "Others" found a new area to make evil, they now live in the south- western parts of Germany.

Kaiser[edit]

lol. I'm just some stupid kid named Kaiser so i though I would edit this page!!! OMG *dies*

The Pink Incident[edit]

Restricted Area. Your Heterosexuality has to be confirmed before you can enter.

You think you got it? OK, but be ready to die within 3 hours after reading this. Maybe.

In early 2006, "Der Kaiser" tried to infect the internet to bring its dark influences to the next level of cruelty. This was possible because of a bad communist server, situated somewhere in western Germany. "Der Kaiser" suddenly entered the ICQ network, resulting in millions of children, boys, girls and even boys, becoming homosexual all over the world.

Although, this was tried to keep a secret by the United Nations council, intelligence leaked into the web and the happening became famous as the "pink incident" or "Operation Desert Storm". The US tried to keep this down by creating a fake- war in Iraq which never happened. The so called country "Iraq" doesn't even exist.

So for several months, people thought the "pink incident" had been stopped by Chuck Norris when he decided to add the Kaiser to his "Evil list of evil". But they have all been wrong. Anno domini 2006, when the summer had reached it's "warmest" level, another incident happened when John Locke stopped pushing the button! Now, the Americans started the "Iran War" to cover the mess up but it has already been too late and the disease started spreading...

On the 13th of July 2006, "Der Kaiser" eventually penetrated the holy ICQ network and started to infect thousands of computers. The Dharmatel based firewall (protecting the web since 1983 (c)) was shut down because of human failure, creating a gigantic EMP spreading all over the world and France. This "pulse of love" manipulated people everywhere on the planet, one of the first victims was Tim Allen, others are Cristiano Ronaldo, Rod and Todd, Guido Westerwelle and Guy.

Especially people from south- western Germany complain about very high temperatures. In fact Germany is experiencing outstanding low temperatures and even snowfall. Because of this, many infected victims are running around in the snow wearing shorts, some are even naked (suffering from "Der Kaiser- FKK", a very bad kind of the virus), especially in the eastern parts of the country. This looks very gay.

"Ye olde holy book of Men" sais that there is only one remaining person with the ability to destroy the warm forces of evil. This chosen one will have magic powers right on his forehead and can destroy the virus by pushing his head into the chest of a victim. Until now, nobody knows anything about the identity of this last hope of mankind.

The Sounds[edit]

Restricted Area. Your Heterosexuality has to be confirmed before you can enter. And it hasn't.

Although, type in the correct numbers to enter.

4 8 15 16 23 42?? Don't you have a bloody "execute" button?? Don't piss me off and go away!

Famous Quotes[edit]

Zoooooooom
Schwipp, Schwapp.
For the Guys of Tomorrow!
Now get the After Party started!