|THIS ARTICLE NEEDS A STEAMROLLER!!!|
|Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.
|Emperor of Germany; King of Prussia; Grand Sausage-swallowing Loon|
|The Kaiser, once again attempting to hide his withered arm|
|Reign||1880 - 1918|
|Successor||None (overthrown and ran away to Holland)|
|Issue||France, Great Britain|
“How about that Kaiser, eh? I'd like to put him on a roll.”
“Man that guy has an awesome hat!”
“Sure I am, Yippie whippie...whippie!”
When Bismarck went to war to unify Germany, Wilhelm (who was far too old to enlist in the king's army) showed his support by creating a new kind of ration that would be better tasting and more portable than the existing foodstuffs. He called his creating the Kaiser roll. One of his arms was reported to be a lot shorter than his other (shortarmitis). The rest is history.
For those that do not know that history it is the history of a poor baker child to German hero and king of the universe. He rose to power through his connections through the baker underground political movements and his ability to wank on the stump. The stump being Old Johnny's leg stump. Yes indeed that Kaiser would stand on that man's leg for hours and talk about the most random thins like why ukuleles are actually violins trying to act cool and how robots actually make good coat-hangers. Some people say that he suffered from brain loss from the several occasions of carbon monoxide poisoning from when he would stand on Johnny's leg while ol' Johnny was trying to put himself out of the misery of having an over 9000 pound muscle-man stand on the stump of your leg for almost days at a time. Eventually the government felt sorry for Johnny and had him executed for wasting the Kaiser's time. This is what brought him to power after the Clinja ransacking of the UN.
In his reign he brought an end to the French civil rights movements whose claims were that they were not given their rights to stripy shirts and funny hats. As they threatened war they promptly backed down when they thought a chicken clucking on the other side was the fearsome cry of the Bavarian Cream Filled people of Saudi Malaysia. When he declared war on his British first cousin over the play that they were writing, "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha," good old Kaiser Bill fought the Limeys, the Frogs, the Ruskies, the Confederates, Little Caesar's, most of Asia, and probably the Martians, all of whom liked his cousin's idea better. Kaiser Bill had few friends, only the Austrians (who happened to be hungry too), the Americans, some drug lords in South America, the Durka-durka-stanis, a man named Otto, and God. After ten thousand years of subterranean warfare, the Krauts came victorious even after God died from AIDS which he reportedly caught from a woman claiming to be a "virgin". Kaiser Wilhelm's great victory led him to decide to make Germany really poor and let the Nazis take over.He also has a really cool hat, Like Katie
He has a moustache.
In 1956 Billy II discovered that he had a shadow. He was so scared of his new-found friend that, at first, he cried into Captain Janeway's ginormous bun. He soon realised the his shadow was an awesome one and named it Herr von Schaffel von Adolfette, or the 'Shadow-Kaiser'. He now get's along famously with 'ol Shadow and feeds it American Presidents brains reguarly.
"My Goodness, my Guinness!"
"Dear Nicky. Fuck off." (From the "Willy-Nicky" telegrams)
"Oh shit, where's my Germany?"
Otto Von Bismark
|Chancellor of Germany
Kaiser Wilhelm also had an affair with Doctor Who, It is unkown whether Doctor Who (once likened to David Tennant) played a part in the war effort