“Where the fuck's my Oscar Wilde quote?”
“Right here you bald bastard.”
Glenda Issac Hayes Yankem Daddy Fake Diesel Kane Jacobs or better now known simply as Kane is a monster in the World Wrestling Entertainment. He is living proof that if you work hard and stick it out with a shitty dentist job, you can make your mark and go on to bigger and better things. Kane is a three time WWE world-champion, two time tag-team champion, one time hardcore-champion and the current undefeated-divas champion.
Hell Of An Apprentice
Worlds heaviest monkey Kane was first employed by the WWE back when they where known as the WWF before the panda's sued for the name. Back then in 1856 Kane was known as Issac Hayes Yankem Daddy, he was the personal dentist that the WWF traveled with and worked on all the d-grade celebrities teeth. Some of his best work was on the mouth-of-the-south Jimmy Hart and Howard Stern famer Beetlejuice. (Yes, that's Kane's handy work!)
Glenda later would find himself being asked to participate in an on air-appearance by Vince McMahon. The idea behind this was that because Ted Turner had lured two of his biggest superstars, Diesel (Kevin Nash) and Razor Ramon (Scott Hall), to the WCW. Vince thought no one would notice if he just replaced those two with someone else to take there place. Being that Kevin Nash was nearly seven feet tall, it was hard to find someone else who could fill those shoes at the time seeing as how people would recognize the Undertaker and Andre The Giant had kicked the bucket a few years before. Being that Glenda was around the seven foot mark, he was asked to dress upand you like big fat dick bitch as Diesel and go out and pretend he was him, with someone else they found to play Razor Ramon. Glenda was a bit hesitant at first, saying to Vince he didn't know the first thing about how to wrestle, but Vince assured him he would be fine as Kevin Nash never how to either.
The push was shortly lived as Vince's worst nightmares came to life and WCW picked up an audience and actually had viewers now that knew Nash and Hall where in the WCW and having these two fake Diesel and Ramon looked pretty stupid. However for being such a sport for Vince, he offered to train Glenda if he wanted to be a competitor in the WWF. Glenda agreed to this offer and thought it might be more fun to break teeth then repair them. Glenda was then sent to training camp.
The Big Red Retard
In 1997 the time to bring Glenda back was perfect as the Undertaker was in desperate need of competition at his height and level now that Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and Psycho Sid Viscous had fucked off to the WCW. A fairytale, or known in the WWF as a storyline was conceived by the feuding with, ex-manager of The Undertaker, Paul Bearer who announced on WWF RAW is a BORE that Takers evil twin brother was still alive, and that he had been keeping him locked away from the Taker knowing about him, just in-case Taker ever turned on him.
During the 1997 PPV "Smell In A Cell" Taker was taking on HBGay (Shawn Michaels) in a first ever Wrestle Inside A Baseball Mesh Cage when sometime into the match, the lights went out, mist filled the room, a light shone red and an eerie instrumental played, all of a sudden there was an explosion of pyrotechnics and Paul Bearer emerged down the isle with the debut of Glenda now known as Klame. Kane was dressed in a black and red leotard outfit and had a mask on so no one would recognize him as Diesel in a tip Vince took from Leslie Neilson because he once impersonated Enrico Pollatzo at a baseball game. Kane proceeded to the cage and ripped the cheap door out of it's cardboard hinges and entered the ring to stare down his so-called big brother. The Taker was so surprised to see his baby brother that he forgot to defend himself when Kane picked him up to deliver takers own move, the tombstone piledriver.
It didn't take long for Taker to issue a challenge with Kane at Wrestlefakie to get his revenge on Kane for ripping off his own signature finishing move. Later on Kane would turn on Paul Bearer with the Taker to join forces and become known as the Brothers Of Destruction. The two would work together well on occasion, but end up going at each others throats when Taker started asking Kane questions about himself and Kane didn't want Taker to find out he is not really his little brother, which would be like sticking his dick into an electrical socket or working for TNA. No one wants to piss of the Undertaker.
Kane and Taker still to this day sometimes team up, and sometimes they rape each other, but Vince finds it easier to put one of each into the three brands of Raw, Smackdown or ECW instead of just sending them to stand in the corner in time-out.
In 2000 Kane was teamed up with XXX-Sack in the tag-team division. No one knew how the duo would function, then towards the end of the match Kane grabbed XXX-Pac in a choke-slam and lifted him above his head, it looked like Kane was going to slam the kid, but instead he kissed him in the cheek and gently laid him down on there laying opponent for the three-count. The duo would then compete for the tag-team titles and shortly later where wearing the gold around there waists. Kane then started to take a liking to a diva named X-Slut who XXX-Pac was dating. The bitch came between the two just as DX2000 reformed and XXX-Pac told Kane he was just not DX material, causing Kane to run away with his head in his hands crying.
Kane would return the next week and challenge XXX-Pac and X-Slut to a I need face as you made me cry last week match. Kane was victorious and celebrated by setting XXX-Pac on fire and ripping a fetus out of X-Sluts cervix that she had laid claim to being either Kane or XXX-Pacs baby a few weeks before in some stupid storyline that no one took any notice of. Kane then threw the fetus into the crowed as a souvenir for a lucky fan.
The unmasking of Kane was a devastating day, with over 200,000,000 people dead and millions more injured. He was so ugly because when he was little, Undertaker took a crap on his face and it was acidic which made him fucking ugly!
...Ok, who in the fuck wrote that?
...I did, Haha!
To this day Kane remains with the WWE as a top superstar who can take a dive to Preparation-H when H feels like being put over. Kane still is a force to be contended with, and surely will win another championship when Preparation-H is sidelined on the injury list. He still tags up now and then with his supposed brother the Underpantstaker, and still turns on Taker whenever he doesn't want to answer questions about if he is genuinely Taker's real brother.
Currently in 2012, Kane is the WWE divas champion after winning a bra and panties match at Bash Up The Bitch
Kane made his acting debut in a WWE produced Academy Award-winning film called See No Evil. The comedy starred Kane alongside Richard Prior where Kane played a deaf man, and Richard played a blind man, and together the unlikely match solved a murder.
Kane is currently in talks with director Sean Cunningham to play the next Jason Voorhees in "Friday The 13th Part 3: Jason Pays To Have Sex"
- Three Time WWF/E Champion.
- Three time WWF/E tag-team champion.
- Two Time ECW Champion
- One Time Hardcore Champion
- Held record for most penises sucked in 1 minute; loses record to Kurt Angle.
- Current Diva Champion
- Hasn't let The Undertaker known he's not really his brother.
- Never took a dive to Hulk Hogan
- Holds the record for best ever Diesel impersonator.
- Holds the record for worst ever Diesel impersonator.
- Holds the record for best ever Elvis impersonator.
- Won the Slammy Award in 1998 for best handbag worn to a ring.
- Won an academy award for "Most Outstanding Performance in See No Evil"
- Whine about Losing the Heavyweight Championship against Edge after 2010 TLC
- Reunited Big Show and Kane Tag Team with The Big Show
- Most fucking and ball sucking champion in WWE history