Kane and Lynch: Dead Men

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Kane and Lynch: Dead Men
Kane & Lynch.png
Kane and Lynch before their sex change operation
Developer Aidos
Release Date Years ago
Genre Two people shooter
Platforms Xbox 360, Wii, PS3
Rating G+ (G-rated)
Would Anonymousia de Bergerac-Fleur play it? Never
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The so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article on Kane and Lynch: Dead Men much funnier than this one.

Kane and Lynch: dead men is a game based on two homemakers, Kane and Lynch. The game focuses on their various adventures and hobbies such as shopping, doing laundry, going on vacations around the world and saving it from Jeff Gerstmann, the main villain.

The game was made by the developers of Hitman, the Eye Oh interactive. The game had the return of the "bald head" theme with the absence of bar codes after an incident between Agent 47 and a machine in a Supermarket.

The game was originally named Kane and Lynch: housedads but was changed due to marketing reasons. The game also contains online multiplayer game play for online fans and casual gamers similar to Gears and great balls.

Kane and Lynch failed to win "the greatest bad-ass motherfuckers of gaming" award, but they managed to win the "Most gay and cool characters" award.

The release and advertising of this game cost someone's job.

Ak47.png
The characters of this page are fucking insane. You can help by teaming up with them and killing all the hostages.

Plot[edit]

Kane and Lynch, two very good friends and homemakers who after realizing that their role in society was ignored, decided to travel around the globe and prove that they are a force to be reckoned with. During a trip to LA, they encountered the evil terrorist, Jeff Gerstmann and his quest on taking over the world. Although it was later revealed that Jeff was not the real terrorist, Kane and Lynch, the ignorant Americans they were, beat Jeff Seeing this as a good opportunity to prove themselves, they decided to stop Jeff's evil scheme.

On their way driving to the local supermarket, both men were hit by a truck carrying explosives. They began to pursuit Jeff in orange bikinis. During this chase, Kane's nose broke for being too noisy. They take a brake at a local dough nut shop before continuing their pursuit.

They soon lost sight of Jeff but managed to obtain some information about his next target, a bank. They arrived at the bank on time and managed to stop another terrorist attack. Unfortunately, Jeff had learned Lynch 's weakness and forced all the hostages to wear their underwear on their heads. Lynch mistook the hostages with zombies and shot them all dead. The police soon arrived at the bank and mistook Kane and Lynch for the real criminals, forcing them to kill some police officers.

After the bank heist, Kane and Lynch discovered that Jeff is planning to bomb Tokyo after hacking into his Halo 3 account and reading his messages. They also discovered that his main weakness in women and skateboards.

During a few elevator breaks, Kane and Lynch brake the forth wall by making conversations about pop culture, star wars, gangster rap, oil prices and other general topics.

After countless gruesome battles, Kane and Lynch finally manage to defeat the evil terrorist, Jeff Gerstmann who escaped, leaving the producers to start on a sequel.

The game ends with Lynch getting shot and Jenny dying all the characters going to Wal★Mart to buy some clothe.

Jeff currently works at Jihad★Mart.

Characters[edit]

Kane, drawing something on someone's face.

Adam "Kane" Marcus[edit]

(Not to be confused with citizen Kane) The first main character of the game and the main hero. He enjoys playing with his dead daughter's corpse and speak to her ghost. Always puts his focus on family as he always says "family" comes "first". Enjoys keeping dangerous weapons in his basement since it "relaxes" him. He enjoys staring at family pictures, meditating and enjoying a good diet. He is obsessed with saying "snap the fuck out" and carries a sharp object attached to his left hand.

  • His hobbies include buying pornography, making sculptures, swearing at Lynch and being a "traitor".
  • He is Jewish but does not like wearing any hat on his head. He enjoys exposing his bald spot.
Lynch's reaction to anything on the streets of Tokyo.

James Seth Lynch[edit]

A normal psychotic killer who works at a meat shop in Detroit and attends Yoga classes with Buddha and Kane. Although he was framed for the murder of his own wife, he actually did kill her and blamed it on his alter ego his alter ego framed him for the crime he didn't commit.

  • He enjoys taking regular showers, cussing and growing his hair long and picking up random citizens to kill.
  • His hobbies include having his glasses on 24/7, listening to Jimi Hendrix, treating kidnapped women right and eventually killing them after going berserk from the lack of Cheerios.
  • He is a Roman Catholic but does not go to Church very often.
  • He is from Detroit and presumably a good friend of EMINEM.
This is Jenny.

Flynch[edit]

James Seth Lynch's (a.k.a. Fucking Lynch) alter ego who is bat fuck insane. Enjoys killing, disemboweling, shooting anime characters, raping and hanging out with furries. He continues to childishly blame Lynch for his wrong doings or sometimes Pyramid Head for unknown reasons.

Jenny Markus[edit]

Retomoto. Notice his tattoos and lack of fingers.

Kane's very attractive daughter.

  • Enjoys getting shot and killed by an invincible shooter who only dies after she gets killed.
  • Hobbies: Nagging, being a bitch, listening to Rock music and mistreating her father by forcing him into wearing embarrassing costumes.

Retomoto[edit]

Retomoto (a.k.a.Hello kitty) the evil Yakuza boss who was defeated by Kane and Lynch in his tower.

  • He has a daughter named Yoko who later got drunk and fell out a window after posing on playboy and not getting paid.

Elmer the yellow Truck[edit]

An offspring of a giant yellow Bulldozer from Fagballs, Elmer is a rather annoying fellow who enjoys driving over holes and people crouching to pick up pennies. Due to his Obesity, he faces problems whenever turning or reversing.

  • During the fight with Kane and Lynch, his window is shot and he simply gives up and joins the heroes in stopping Jeff the terrorist.

Karl Marx Big Brother[edit]

A member of The7, who aided Jeff the terrorist in supplying him in explosives and propaganda. He has a long beard and has a bald brother.

  • He has an obsession with playing cards.
  • He hates cliches.

Dead men[edit]

Jeff in action.

A priest, a pedophile and a chef (Shelly, Riffic and Thappa respectively). Kane and Lynch's neighbors who join the cause to stop the terrorist attacks.

Jeff Gerstmann[edit]

The main villain of the game. He is an obese and foul mouthed man. He usually has uses the word "ugly" as an introduction to something that looks real. He is a jihad wannabe and was rejected from the Jihad camp due to his obesity.

'Kane and Lynch' show[edit]

After their success with the game, Kane and Lynch were given the right to own their TV show by Fox TV and Google television. The first airing of the show proved highly successful, attracting 22 million viewers and grossing $19 million on its first view. The show have had many guests appearing on the show. These include:

Reason why Kane and Lynch was released before Christmas

Reference and appearances[edit]

Television[edit]

Other than having their own TV show, Kane and Lynch have appeared on other TV shows as well.

Seinfeld[edit]

  • In season 2, episode 9, Lynch befriends Cosmo and they go out for a beer.
  • In season 7, episode 7, Kane decides to use the shower in front of Jerry.
Backstage photo of Kane and Lynch before the first viewing of the 'Kane and Lynch Show'.

South Park[edit]

  • In seasons 12 episode 15, Kane and Lynch appear throughout the episode few times. After Kenny is killed by Lynch, Kane makes the statement "Oh my God. They killed Jenny!" as a reference to the death of his own daughter.

Dragon Ball Z[edit]

  • Lynch appears in his ultra saiyan form in the Dragon ball Z-Kadokai. His hair was aproximately 4 meters long.

Comedy central[edit]

  • Both Kane and Lynch make frequent comedy stand up on weekends. Their subjects are usually violence, women, guns, politics and popular culture.

External Links[edit]

See Also[edit]