Kano

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Hehe, ello baby, did chu fuckin miss me?

“This must be how all people from Australia act like”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kano

“I Love Punctuality in a woman”

~ Kano on himself

“Look at him, no dignity and no manners”

~ Shang Tsung on Kano

“I'm kind of a big deal...you know...back home”

~ Kano on himself

“How good for them, back home”

~ Goro on Kano

Kano, (better known as Phil Collins by his loyal fanbase) is an Australian thug, pirate-wannabe, and crazed womanizer, well known for his stint in Mortal Kombat. He is very distiquishable from the rest of the MK kast by his thick goatee, thick Australian accent, his love for women's thighs, and most of all the metal plate on his face (which makes him look like a Terminator rip-off).

Early Life[edit]

Kano's early days in the Australlian navy (**cough**days in JAG**cough**). He's a as he loves to say, a fuckin heartthrob

Kano was born in Japan (or was it Australia?). When he was 10 years old, he got his first taste of the thug life when he beat up some of his fellow students regularly in his school playground for their lunch money. He did this on purpose because he enjoyed getting in trouble (and he happened to have a crush on the school principle because she was hot). One day, his parents took him to a petting zoo and he accidentally killed one of the chickens after he bit it's leg off. It was this incident that aroused his current love for chicken legs.

Mortal Kombat[edit]

At the age of 20, Kano had already become a well known crimminal mastermind and the leader of a group of pirate wannabes called the Black Dragon Clan. During one of his missions, he met Sonya Blade, Sonya Blade's partner, and Jax and started a fight with the wannabe police team. In the battle that insured, Kano killed Sonya's partner with a really weird looking knife by putting a big "smile" on his face (Kano likes to say it was "ear to ear"). After this happened, Jax went "gangsta" on his ass and broke his foot up in Kano's ass (and on the right side of his face). Kano devistated by this lose vowed revenge. After this incident, Sonya made it her life's mission to hunt down the thug and put him in between her massive thighs.

Soon after, Kano replaced the right side of his face with a metal plate (complete with robotic eye, thus making him look like the terminator). Kano also began to think a change of personality was in order. Although he was originally billed as being Japanese/American, Kano had always wondered of a life as a loveable, sex-obsessed Australian crimminal and so Kano official changed himself into an Australian thug. He even took Austrailian classes to help his voice evolve into a thick Aussie accent.

Hehe, can ya hear me now mothafucka?!?

Some time thereafter one night in one of his clubs in Hong Kong, he met with the creepy and voicely challenged (meaning his voice would go from high to low at any given time for no reason) Outworld sorcerer, Shang Tsung whom somehow found out about him and his past crimes (and was in town filming the Mortal Kombat Tournament) and offered Kano a large sum of money to lure Sonya to the tournament to star in his Mortal Kombat movie (but unknown to Kano, Shang Tsung had much more "intimiate" plans for Sonya). Eager to meet the blondie babe again and have a chance for movie immortality, Kano agreed and lured the foxy warrior to the island where the Kombat was to be filmed.A day before the filming, he was treated to a fantastic feast of assorted fruits and meats (which actually was a bunch of leftovers from the other warrior's feasts which had been thrown unto the floor and was later scrapped off and given to him). During his meal, Kano engaged in a not-so-plesant coversation with four armed freak, Goro and was publicly humiliated by Shang Tsung.

The next day, he engaged in a battle with Sonya Blade (which contained many sexual undertones as he seemed to be coming on to her during most of the match). In the closing moments of the battle, Sonya performed a handstand and wrapped her thighs around Kano's neck and brought him down to the ground. Little did Sonya, the audience, or Shang Tsung realized that Kano had "intensionally" got himself in between Sonya's thighs because he had a deep feetish for women's legs and thighs. He asked Sonya for "a break" and she complided by snapping his neck.

Soon after, once the film hit the big screen, the audience appluded the performance by Miss Sonya Blade and Kano. Several months later, the scene was nominated and won the award for "Best Sexual Scene In A Movie". Sonya and Kano both received awards for "Best Performance In A Movie". The movie itself won the award for "Best Movie Of The Year". The script itself was the best anybody had ever read since Super Mario Bros The Movie.

Aftermath[edit]

Kano would continue his criminal acts for many decades. He continued to star in the sequels for the famous Mortal Kombat movie triolgy where he would continue to renact the famous "Sonya VS Kano" match. However, Kano's longtime rival Mavado (whom is well known for his new line of watches) of the Red Dragon clan became jealous of Kano's accomplishments and captured the Aussie thug back to his gang's hideout. Fortunatly for Kano, the Red Dragon's hideout had been penetrated by Taven (the Red Dragon's leader; Daegon's older yet more bitchy brother) and Kano was set free. The Red Dragon hideout was later destroyed by Daegon's pet dragon whom was pissed off he wasn't feed for several months. Kano rejoined his fellow Black Dragon members to celebrate Blaze's brithday in Mortal Kombat Armageddon, the long awaited sequel of the franchise.

Present Day[edit]

Kano currently resides in Hollywood, California where he has made a living as one of Hollywood's most loved B-list actors. He is currently as he likes to say "a bachlor for life baby" and is currently reciving breaks from Sonya Blade, whom is extremely confused how the thug cannot be killed despite the fact she always snaps his neck.

Combat characteristics[edit]

Signature moves[edit]

  • Eye Beams: He uses a laser in his metal plate to burn the opponent's chest.

. (MKI, MKT, MK:DA, MK:SM, MK:A)

  • Cannonball: Kano jumps in the air and attempts to squash his opponent beneath him whilst screaming "cannonbal"! He ends up landing on his ass and damages himself.

(MK, MKT, MK:SM, MK:DA, MK:A)

  • Ridicule: One of Kano's most well known attacks. He ridicules the opponent by putting them down whilst waving a chicken wing in his hand. If performed on a female character, he'll come on to them. (MK, MKT, MK:DA, MK:SM, MK:A)

Recurring fatalities[edit]

  • Heart Rip: Kano rips his opponent's heart out using his barefist. If he is in a wild mood, he'll eat it because he thinks it's "bloody cool".

(MK, MKII, MKT, MK4, MKG, MK:SM)

  • Give Me A Break! : Kano fakes hara-kiri by asking a female to give him a break. The female character proceeds to wrap her thighs and or legs around his neck, bring him to the floor, and snaps his neck. The female character will become amazed by Kano's ability to stay alive despite having his neck snapped like a phonebook.

(MK1)

Music Career[edit]

When not staring in another exciting Mortal Kombat sequel, Kano is singing as his alter-ego, Phil Collins. Much like his movie career, he has reached much success.

Lawsuits[edit]

In 1995, Arnold Schwarchenegger filed a lawsuit against Kano, for sporting a metal plate on the right side of his face which made him mistakeable for a terminator. Needless to say, the two would not reach a settlement until 5 years later where Arnold personally apologized to Kano for being an unappreciative moron after learning Kano simply wore the metal plate because "it looked cool".

Trivia[edit]

  • Kano actually sees better with his robotic eye.
  • Kano actually founded the word "drank" as a better sounding alternative to the word "drink". Kano found the word to flow a lot better and soon after word got out to the public, drank ultimately replaced drink in the English dictonary. Kano would later have a guest appearance in T-Pain's music video for his new hit single "Buy U A Drank".
  • Kano founded the famous Australian dinner dish of "Chicken and Wine" or as he loves to call it "Chicken Legs and Wane".
  • Kano was a spokesman for many mainstream supestores and resturants. He was best known for his Outback Steak House commercial lines, until he realised that they did not represent Australian cuisine. He was ultimately fired after he found himself cursing and expressing his love for women for than talking about anything to do with the resturant. He was fired for the same reason after doing a commercial for Six Flags.
  • Kano is a very curious person and will not hesitate to ask any question he feels he needs to ask.