Kapoutland Pro Wrestling
Based out of Montréal, Quebec, Canada, KPW (Kapoutland Pro Wrestling) has been running nothing, ever. Now, you may be asking yourself, "Who gives a damn?". Well listen up you cretonic morons that reek of stupid, because it's obvious that you've missed out on the biggest laugh of all time. The thing about KPW is that it does not advertise, nor does it shill. However, every time they run shows in an area, people evacuate. And after they clean up the semen from their floors, they go see a KPW event. Now some of KPW's naysayers (read: Politicians, Actual Wrestlers, and Ringo Starr) may have their complaints about KPW. "It's not an actual promotion" they say. "It's just an eFed run by a bunch of nerds" they say. But do you know what happened to them? They got attacked by bears. That's what happened to them!
Circle jerking twice a week?
KPW Kaos Tournament
KPW Wrestlecrap Battle Royal
KPW National Nightmare
KPW Ultimate Destiny
KPW Monday Night Mope
KPW Brawl For It All
KPW Dead End
KPW Blood Debt
KPW Double or Nothing
KPW's roster is made up of many colorful characters, both wrestlers and non-wrestlers. A full list of KPW current active roster is:
Keith Tundra (Owner; Non-Wrestler): A Puritanical Euphoric...sorry, that's a Dimmu Borgir album...a puritanical owner that preaches that all things should be squeaky clean and everything should be toned down to a solid G rating. He does it for the children...
EDIT: Keith got ousted at KPW Hungry for Blood, losing a match against Mr. X for control of KPW. Mr. X turned out to be the returning Psycho James. While James got the crap kicked out of him for several minutes, he channeled the combined power of Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Hunter Hearst Helmsley (known to be the rarest form of power known to man, HHH2), James fought back and defeated the decrepit prude, regaining control of his company.
- Alexis Laree: Currently involved in a relationship with Mike Corral, Alexis is a member of The Gathering along with Mike Corral and Austin Aries. She was once kidnapped by D2 and Hannibal and tortured in the most inhumanly way poswsible: rerun after rerun of The Nanny. She hasn't been the same ever since.
- "The Archangel" Chris Matthews: Sent from the skies to cleanse the world of all sinners, Matthew....Oh crap. Wrong Archangel. My bad!
- Austin Aries: A member of The Gathering along with Alexis Laree and Mike Corral, Austin Aries is three things: Harder than Hardcore, Edgier than CM Punk, and totally not stolen from another promotion!
- Bob Tremblay (Lead Backstage Interviewer; Non-Wrestler)
- Catherine Sweet (Backstage Interviewer; Non-Wrestler): The only female backstage interviewer and the wet dream of every KPW superstar. Except for Maxx.
- Claude Quenneville (Color Commentator; Non-Wrestler)
- "Crusher" Billy Watts: A giant Russian thug that destroys all in his path. Kind of like Ivan Drago times 100 Jillion.
- "The Unholy Thug" D2: Evil. Sadistic. Fancier of fine wines. All of these describe D2. He has a number in his name, after all. Any guy that has a number in his name is DANGEROUS!
- "Dangerous" Sanch Simmons: See, but people with "DANGEROUS" in their names? Not as dangerous as people with numbers in their names. True fact.
- The Dark Knight: A masked luchadore that is currently being sued by DC Comics.
- Dick McCrotch (Ring Announcer; Non-Wrestler)
- DMR: A man so dangerous that not even vowels fuck with him.
- "Everybody's All American" Mike Byson: Billy Watts if he was American. And spent his childhood tied to a chair listening to "Real American" for 10 years.
- "Fat Kid" Jerry Clemens (KPW Intern; Non-Wrestler)
- Huss: How can you not like a superstar who's name sounds like something you'd say after getting punched in the breadbasket?
- "The Idol O'Millions" Bill Williams: A true idol of millions, Bill Williams is possibly the most wholesome individual on Earth. He helps small children. He cooks and cleans to help his wife. He breast fed his kids. Yes, that's right. He's so wholesome that he grew breasts just to feed his children. Now that's wholesome.
- "Insecticidal" Andy Duke:The Extreme Exterminator. Not much is known about him, other than he works for EWT and ROS along with working for KPW, and he is not against putting his body on the line to win a match. Also not against using a weapon to get the job done. Finished his opponents with the Cidal-Bomb, an amazing top-rope front-flip powerbomb, or the Cidal-Stretch, a reverse lion-tamer/cross-face combination.
- J: The 7 time winner of the "Shortest Name for a Wrestler Award" (A title which was held by a wrestler known as "." until 1999).
- Johnny Robinson (KPW Senior Referee; Non-Wrestler)
- Joker: Also being sued by DC Comics. Should be feuding with Dark Knight just for the sake of irony.
- Koko: One half of the tag team known as The Combine with Spyke Johanson. He is currently on Regis Philbin's Official Shit List for stalking Kelly Rippa, which, as we all know, is Regis' monopoly. Koko is the actual owner of KPW in real life (SHHH! Don't tell anyone or the Kayfabe Police will take us down!) making him a genuine multizillionaire from all of KPW's great business. After all, KPW IS REAL!
- La Parka: Will this angle ever be resolved?!?!??
- Lars: ...no comment.
- "Lord Of The Abyss" Hannibal: A dark gothic individual who spent much of his teenage years dying his hair black (or white) and listening to albums backwards. What many people don't know is that he is the owner of a nightclub known as The Abyss. Hence, the name.
- Lotus: Not much is known about this enigmatic wrestler, except that he lives on 3532 SE Birchwood St. in San Diego, California. He enjoys his martinis stirred, instead of shaken (Making James Bond his mortal enemy) and he enjoys kicking back and listening to Jessica Simpson albums as a guilty pleasure.
- "The Unholy Slut" Maria: When you have a nickname like that, do you honestly need a bio? Seriously.
- Maxx Awesome: The self proclaimed "Fat Chick Thriller", Maxx Awesome has made a career and lifestyle out of showing love (OK, a LOT of love) for women who spend most of their time blocking out the rays of the sun. Maxx is never seen without a pair of shades, which helps give weight to the rumor that he is slowly going blind from seeing the nude forms of hundreds of obese women.
- Merc:His name is itallian for "likes it up the butt". An intelligent, crafty, and intelligent foe, Merc has made a career out of manipulating people to do his dirty work. Rumors that he has a 10 team squad of illegal immigrants on hand to wash his dishes, wash his clothes, etc. are unsubstantiated.
- Mike "The Saint" Corral: A Godly man, Mike Corral is currently involved with Alexis Laree and is a member of The Gathering along with Austin Aries and Alexis. Currently, Mike is involved in the most famous and well-known feud in KPW history against D2: Who can break the most bottles of beer over their head while jumproping and humming "Yankee Fucking Doodle" at the same time. D2 is winning.
- Mike Ragnal: The Master of Elemental Disaster, Mike Ragnal is kinda sorta new to KPW. He originally came in as a druggy-and remember, kids, doing dope is dope-by the name of Moe Damus. Mike felt he wasn't being funny enoguh, so he dropped the character. As Moe, his matches were fine. As Mike, well, you'll have to have seen his stuff. He also preaches some crap about the Shocking Truth, but since wrestling isn't real, he's probably lying through his teeth.
- Psycho James: Once known as "Reverend Psycho," James broke away from the evil teachings of Kapoutman and his Ministry and forged his own identity. After taking control of KPW from Kapoutman, he vowed to make KPW the best efed in the world. However, a still unknown reason caused James to disappear from KPW shortly thereafter, allowing virtual unknown Keith Tundra to take the reigns. James eventually returned, winning a match against Keith Tundra that included liberal interference from Lars, Olaf, and Stinkoman. James superior technical prowess (or "lack of selling" as some detractors have labeled his Herculean performance) was rumored to have made one Jim Hellwig cry due to its sheer beauty. Now back in charge, KPW has never been better.
- Rated H: Nicknamed "Idolcidal", Rated H is KPW's resident Idol Killer and only Scottish superstar. A newcomer to KPW, but bound to make an impact in the near future.
- "Semper Fi" Erik Majors
- Sam 3.0: Upgrading from 2.5, Sam 3.0 has come to KPW to upgrade to 4.0 and win the K-Division Title. Once aligned with Stinkoman, Sam 3.0 has gone on his own to try and prove his worth in data. Reports that Sam 3.0 runs on an old Windows 95 during his matches have yet to be proven fact.
- Sinister1 That's right, kids. Another guy with a number in his name. You know what that means, don'tcha?
- "The Unholy Disciple" Skitzo Now, this guy can do anything. He does triple-jump handspring moonsaults through tanks of sharks everyday before breakfast just to prove his point. He does the same thing before dinner as well, only without the blindfold. Can't be too predictable.
- Smarky: The self styled Rock Star of KPW, Smarky has made a career of keeping his opponents off balence with his mind games. He is also seen at every show looking at the audience in secret with a telescope muttering "Do her, do her, wouldn't do her, do her..."
- Spyke Johannson
- Stinkoman: Known as Stinky to his friends, Stinkoman is, well, looka t his nickname. You get the idea.
- Teh 1337er: Teh gr3473$7 0f @11 7!m3. [email protected] [email protected] 1337!!!!
- Supa Dupa Lucha
- Wiki P. Deya: The non-glorified jobber of KPW, Wiki has never won a match. Ever. He's basically just filter and the warm-up for all of the new KPW wrestlers. He came close to winning a match after his opponent hit the turnbuckle while Wiki grabbed a penny, but was defeated by the much feared Finger Point Of Doom.
- Yvon Pednault (Play-By Play Announcer; Non-Wrestler)
KPW has 4 major titles: The KPW World Heavyweight Championship, KPW Euro-Continental Championship, KPW K-Division Championship, and KPW Tag Team Championships. Yo Mamma and Tea-Bagging Championships are currently in the works.
- KPW World Heavyweight Champion - Mizzle
- KPW Euro-Continental Champion - Skitzo
- KPW K-Division Champion - PrimeTyme
- KPW Tag Team Champions - The Combine (Koko/Spyke Johannson)
The following is the history of all four major titles in KPW history:
|Ratings||Joker, PPV||December 25, 2005|
|Stinkoman||Ratings||April 3, 2006|
|DMR||Psycho James, Darth Violence, PPV, Huss, Merc||May 28, 2006|
|Mizzle||Stinkoman, DMR||July 30, 2006|
|Kapoutman||Shiori Coybito||December 25, 2005|
|Stinkoman||Kapoutman||January 15, 2006|
|Title Vacant||Stinkoman||April 3, 2006|
|Merc||D2, Mike Corral, Smarky||April 23, 2006|
|Skitzo||10 Man Battle Royal||June 25, 2006|
|Merc||Skitzo||July 15, 2006|
|Skitzo||Merc||July 30, 2006|
|DMR||Darth Violence||December 25, 2005|
|Darth Violence||DMR||January 15, 2006|
|TITLE VACATED||Darth Violence||June 25, 2006|
|PrimeTyme||Teh 1337er, Huss||July 15, 2006|
|Boogie Knights 3000 (Maxx Awesome/Erik Majors)||The Unholy Soldiers (D2/Hannibal), The Combine (Koko/Spyke), The Gathering (Mike Corral/Austin Aries)||June 25, 2006|
|The Combine||Boogie Knights 3000||July 30, 2006|
KPW's K-Division is modelled after TNA's X-Division.(See also TNA.) The only difference between TNA's X-Division and KPW's K-Division is that there is no DQ in the K-Division matches. So basically they still do the flippy-tricks, but with more blood and guts and shit.
Each week KPW gives out weekly Awards. The awards are: Quote of the Week, Wrestler of the Week, and Match of the Night. Match of the Night is voted on by the KPW wrestlers after every event.
KPW Quote of the Week
Quote of the Week is determined by three things. It makes the creative team laugh, think "oh no he/she didn't" to themselves, disses Wikipedia to the point where you feel sorry for them, makes an Oscar Wilde reference, or makes major advancement of a storyline or character whilst being entertaining and/or memorable. Winners of Quote of the are:
"I brushed my teeth too hard and my gums bled. I'M HARDCORE!" -Sinister1 (Awarded July 15th, 2006)
"And over the years... I've tried my best to prove those voices wrong... BUT I NEVER CAN! And now... Now I'm starting to think that those voices... My mother... My father... EVERYONE WHO EVER DOUBTED ME... Is right..." -Dangerous Sanch Simmons (Awarded July 21st, 2006)
"Lord ... Who booked this one? ... Hehhae ... I mean c'mon do I cheer for the flamboyant summer heel or the terrier? .. Hahehahaa" -Joker (Awarded July 28th, 2006)
KPW Wrestler of the Week
Wrestler of the Week is chosen based upon in-game performance. If your character did something truly memorable during the previous event or in the promos leading up to it that will stick in the minds of KPW alumni for weeks to come, or gave the owners of KPW a blowjob, you may have earned it. Winners of Wrestler of the Week are:
- Maxx Awesome (Awarded on July 15th, 2006)
- D2 (Awarded on July 21st, 2006)
- Skitzo (Awarded on July 28th, 2006)
KPW Match of the Night
Match of the Night is voted on by all of the KPW Superstars after the PPV. A poll is up and whatever match is the highest vote getter is the winner. Here are the previous winners...
Generation Gap Match: Unholy Soldiers (Hannibal/D2) vs The Gathering (Mike "The Saint" Corral/Austin Aries) - KPW Dead End (Awarded on July 21st, 2006)