Karl Pilkington

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"He's got a head like a fucking orange." ~ Ricky Gervais on Karl Pilkington

Karl Dilkington and that (1972 - c.2050) is an English philosopher, logician, poet, author, broadcaster, producer, actor, presenter, polymath and pudding-headed oddity.

The world famous The Ricky Gervais Show and The Ricky Gervais Guide to... revolve around Karl's education and enlightenment of chubby funster Ricky Gervais and frog-faced Tower of London Stephen Merchant.

Karl's books The World Of Karl Pilkington, Happyslapped by a Jellyfish and Karlology have sold over 2 million copies each worldwide and have been translated into 36 languages. Karl now resides in Kent, England. He also has a head like a fucking orange.

[edit] Life

Professional

Karl was born in Manchester, England to a penniless sandwich shop owner, Dad and his wife Mam. Karl was not an outstanding student - a teacher, Mrs. Mathews, stated that Karl would never be a 'high-flyer'. Karl has since commented on his failure in school, possible causes could have been the strong winds of the seventies, the lack of bonobo chimpanzees in his class and his IQ. Karl graduated with an E at GCSE history, a subject he was not aware of taking. While at school Karl ventured into the only career he ever truly loved; a paper boy. After leaving school Karl took a number of jobs and moved to London to pursue a job as a producer at Xfm, a localised radio station.

It was here that Karl first met Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, Karl decided to take them under his wing. He scripted and produced a radio show in which Gervais and Merchant come accross as amusing. Within weeks of meeting Karl, The Office becmae the biggest show on the BBC and Gervais and Merchant were propelled into stardom...well Gervais was. Karl was not credited for the success, and many speculate he asked not to be. Karl also used the radio show to muse his philosophical ideas, something he repeated later on in life through the medium of podcasting. Karl left his job as a producer in 2005 and asked Gervais and Merchant once again if they would like to take part in a broadcasting project, this time a podcast. Ironically dubbed The Ricky Gervais Show, it broke world records for downloads. Karl began to write shortly after the first series and has received major acclaim for his work. Most notably fellow author Will Self physically knelt down at Karl's feet during Karl's one off television programme Satisfied Fool, as a symbol of his undying adoration for him.

Personal

Karl has been very open about his personal life throughout his career, especially about his family and friends. This shouldn't really be a list but why not:

• Suzanne - Karl's girlfriend, Suzanne, is a secret agent working undercover at BBC Sport.

• Dad - Karl's father, Dad, is a convicted criminal and one time sandwich shop owner. His crimes were notorious throughout the North Wales area and he became known as "Dai Thief".

• Mam - Karl's mother, Mam, is an animal lover who likes to paint spiders with correction fluid. She is the only woman in existence who does not need a DNA test to determine that Karl is her son, as it is so so obvious. She is currently in search of a magazine named "UFO Data".

• Mark - Karl's brother, Mark, is a former soldier and male escort. He is best known for going for a packet of ciggarettes in a tank while in the army, what is lesser known about him is that he is played by a person called Graham.

• Me Sister - Karl's sister, Me Sister, lives in a car park in Wales, UK and has 47 children.

• Auntie Nora - Karl's aunt, Auntie Nora, is perhaps the most famous Pilkington family member other than Karl. She has broken the landspeed record twice, she was the first woman in space and she founded the Society for the Blind. Oh and she has a fanny like a split tennis ball and she once farted for five minutes.

• Uncle Alf - Karl's uncle, Uncle Alf, slept in a dinghy in a bedsit. He also had two television sets; one with no picture and one with no sound, together they worked. In 2005 he was asked to talk at the UN but declined stating health reasons.

• Tattoo Stan - Karl's father's friend, Tattoo Stan, was so called because he was covered in tattoos. These included his children's names and a map of Syria.

• Benny - Karl's father's friend, Benny, once thumped a chimpanzee.

[edit] Work

Philosophy

Using the mediums of radio and podcasting, Karl's extensive and tireless work in the field of philsophy has stretched over a decade. Over the years Karl has refused to leave a subject unturned, making his work famously impossible to summarise.

Major Topics

Knowledge - Karl states that we are aware of too abundant an amount of information, and that this makes it impossible to develop new ideas and thoughts as a species. In short, Karl concludes that a state of ill knowledge can be of benefit to a man's soul, so long as he pursues more knowledge. The constant state of pursuing knowledge is what drives mankind forward as a species.

Life - in his famous analogy to life as a book, Karl explores the meaning of turning the pages within life. Karl insists that a man can discard his life and simply request a new one. Critics see this insight as second only to Plato's cave allegory.

Religion - Karl condemns religion strongly as he states that it is too far removed from modern man to make any impact. He is critical of the major works of religion, musing why Noah would save jellyfish and why nobody knew Adam and Eve's surname.

Love - Karl describes the intimate connection between human beings in one seminal phrase; "When Suzanne says 'Do you love me?' I say 'Yeah you're alright'.

Science - Karl remains a healthy criticism of science and new endeavours, he questions aloud the meaning behind our constant experiments and developments into technology. Karl dismisses the laws of motion and the theory of relativity in favour of the video player and the frisbee. When asked to comment on a robotic arm being operated by a primate, Karl answered 'give it to a worm instead' causing years of funding to be immediately redirected to making this a possibility.

Fatalism - You're having chicken.

Books and Poetry

Karl has authored three books. They have sold over 2 million copies each worldwide and have been translated into 36 languages. Amazingly, Karl did not market or advertise any of these books - instead he relied on people's good judgement.

• The World of Karl Pilkington - in this book Karl attempts to deconstruct the universe as he sees it. He does this in order to better gain a clarity on world history and present day events he feels should affect him. The book also contains transcripts from the philosophical podcasts.

• Happyslapped by a Jellyfish - in this hair raising account of Karl's near death experience we are granted access to his thoughts on life, death and the question of divinity. He calls on his experiences travelling the world in order to best draw his conclusions.

• Karlology - in this award winning book, Karl attempts to create his own unique school of thought on every intellectual subject. A lengthy and ambitious project, it was met with both surprise and delight on its release - prompting the academic community to christen Karl the new father of modern thought.

Karl's poetry has spanned topics as varied as ennui, vital organs, moths, jellyfish and fundamentalism. Although he has never published a collection, his poetry has been acclaimed by critics worldwide.

Film

Karl has starred in a pornographic film called Bomberos! Set in an idyllic Spanish hotel room, the film starts off with a hetereosexual love making scene involving Karl and his on screen girlfriend. However, there is a knock at the door and a fireman arrives to tell Karl that the hotel is on fire and he must evacuate. Karl seems in no rush to move when he spots the Ricky Martin lookalike in a fireman uniform donning a moustache, and events move on from there.

Karl has also been in talks over his much anticipated screenplay, A Love of Two Brains. Both Clive Warren and Rebecca deMorney have agreed to take part in the project if Karl negociates the role of director.

Television

Karl has created numerous television programmes. For a brief period Karl made a multi part philosophical mini series dubbed '3 Minute Wonders' in which he pondered several subjects. The musings were received well, prompting English newspaper The Sunday Times to print a high praising review. Karl also made a one off programme entitled Karl Pilkington: Satisfied Fool in which he questioned the meaning of knowledge and its effect on the human psyche. As well as these groundbreaking pieces of television, he has made several appearances on the BBC programme The Culture Show exploring natural history and art.

Music

Karl made a surprising entry onto the Gay Club scene with his dance track I Could Eat a Knob at Night which peaked at #4 on the UK Singles Chart in 2006.

Radio

As well as using the radio to promote his thoughts and ideas, Karl also redefined the genre with his original and compelling gameshows and features.

• Rockbusters - Karl would deliver a fiendishly cryptic clue from which his listeners had to decipher a band or artist. Famous for being notoriously difficult, examples included "I was in Texas, I fell over and got part of my leg wet. Initials: WH. Answer: Whitney Houston (Wet-knee in Houston) and "These people from the East-Midlands swear a lot. Initials: TTB. Answer: Terrence Trent Derby (Tourettes Trent Derby)"

• Fifteen Taiwan - arguably one of his most successful ideas, Karl would bring fifteen items into the studio - one of which would bear the insignia "Made in Taiwan". The listeners would then call up and guess which item it was.

• The Rice is Right - Karl reads from two menus, one from an Indian restaurant and one from a Chinese restaurant. The listeners would have to guess which rice went with which meal.

• The Film Thing - Karl would place dub his own voice into an audio excerpt from a film, the listeners were then asked a trivia question about the film.

• Songs of Phrase - As Karl's quotes and ideas became world famous, Karl would make up one of his quotes using cuts from songs. The listeners would then have to name the band behind each cut. Famous examples include 'You'll never see an old man eat a Mars bar' based on Karl's thoughts on the elderly never eating a Twix and 'Tell me why tell me why tell me why don't they play the game of swingball' referring to Karl witnessing a tennis match between two wheelchair bound players.

• Pilkington - Karl would interview an expert every week, mainly on the topic of natural history.

• Monkey News - Karl would amaze Gervais and Merchant each week with an account of a primate achieving amazing things. Some examples are a chimp took part in a Formula One race, a chimp that won the Tour de France, a chimp optician and a chimp that broke out of a laboratory by dressing in drag.

[edit] Memorable Quotes and Ideas

• "Went to a bar. Didn't have much to do, because everyone was looking at a cat licking its own balls."
• "[...] and there... a homeless Chinese guy. Never seen one of them."
• "You never see an old man eating a Twix."
• "Watching a slug eating some bird poo. Pretty depressing, innit?"
• "Why do people take pictures of mimes? If the idea is standing still, then everyone looks like a mime in a picture."
• "Although pigeons have wings, they walk a lot. [...] If they're about to get run over, they don't take off, they just walk faster."
• "Watching a frozen lake... the ducks seem worried."
• "I don't like bags."
• "How would I know which one I was if I was facing a doppelganger?"
• "If you don't have eyes, you shouldn't have wings."
• "Jellyfish are 97% water. Couldn't we give them another 3% and make 'em water?"
• There are too many words. They should, for instance, get rid of the word 'dodo'. The bird's gone, the word's gotta go.
• "Testicles should be behind the ears."
• "Think about this idea: see-through skin."
• "I could eat a knob at night."