Kathy Griffin

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“WOW, She's a hot chick I had one day, straight off the barbeque”

~ Patrick Duffy on Kathy Griffin
Kathy trying to gain attention on a filming of My Life on the D-List!

Kathy "Carrot Top" Griffin (born Kathie Lee Gifford) is an actress, comedian and former lifeform, best known for nothing. Her jokes and voice have won her legions of gay and heterosexual fans across the universe. Despite this, Kathy is still unknown to most people and struggles to find work, except on the planet Pluto where she is considered the Queen.


Early life[edit]

Kathy was born Kathie Lee Gifford on March 32, 1802 in New Brunswick, Ohio. Her parents Lucille Ball (1930-1931) and Bob Hope (2036-3001) were both born in Mississippi. Kathy is an only child. In an interview with People Magazine, she revealed that for fun she would cut herself, and molest little children, shifting the blame to fallen pop artist Michael Jackson.


Career[edit]

Kathy got her first big break when she met Kathie Lee Gifford at 7/11, at that time Kathy Griffin also possessed that name. Gifford, unhappy with the fact that Griffin (then also known as Gifford) stole her name, the two bitches got into a brawl. The fight lasted for several years until Kathy Griffin pushed Kathie Lee Gifford into a black hole, she was never seen again. Although it has been reported that Kathie Gifford might be staging a comeback in the other dimension, though this has yet to be proven. Due to her phobia of names of dead people, she was forced to change her name to Kathy Griffin, she is the 2nd cousin of the late King Peter Griffin of Quahog.

Near-Death Experiences[edit]

Kathy Griffin has had countless near-death experiences in the past 400 years.

Once in 2000, Kathy walked in front of an oncoming bus. The bus narrowly missed her causing anger all over the world. It is rumored this incident indirectly started the conflict in Iraq.

Several years later, in 1602, the people of Salem accused Kathy of being a witch and planned to burn her at the stake. Fortunately for Kathy, fire was still 12 months away from being invented and this plan fell apart.

Controversy[edit]

Kathy, despite her fame, has been the subject of universal criticism for usage of her "Gay" fans in her jokes. Many hypocritical Christian organizations have also loudly voiced their opinion that "Kathy is a demonic bitch from hell and the world must be rid of her immediately." They are at least right in that respect.

TV Show/Career[edit]

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the Z-List premiered on the "Bravo Network" in the fall of 3001. The premiere episode had the best ratings Bravo had ever seen; it was watched by almost 15 viewers. The first season was to have only 13 episodes, however due to its unpredictable success, the season was reduced to 4. The show was instantly renewed for a second season. She was even awarded "Best TV Personality" at the 2077 Annual Colgate Toothpaste Awards held annually in Newark, NJ. However, the second season the following year failed to carry on the success of the first, averaging 2.3333333 viewers per episode. The show was abruptly cancelled. It was revived 23 more times and cancelled 40 more in the following months. It is rumored that FOX is currently interested in picking the show up, although nothing has been set in stone.

Future[edit]

Currently, Kathy is busy filming a commercial for Lays Potato Chips and is in talks to work on Broadway doing janitorial tasks. In her spare time she worships her Emmy

Discography[edit]

  • I Need A Job (2052)
  • Hello, Its Me Again, I'm Back and Better Then Ever and I'm Out to Show You All I Haven't Changed (2053)
  • It's Not Easy Having Gingervitis (2054)
  • My account ballance is $7.50 (1992)
  • Miserable Life (2004)

It should be noted that her one and only hit (which turns out to be her only single to date) was the electro-synth rock ballad "Miserable Life". The song became the biggest song of all time in the history of all time and space itself.

Fun Facts[edit]

She is Steve Wozniak's current golddigger, uh, I mean girlfriend!
  • Rumors circulated several tabloid magazines that she is God.
  • Griffin was born a boy. At age 7, she decided to become female. This would last until age 11 when she was diagnosed with Ugly, where, from then on, the exact nature of her gender would remain an mystery. Reports indicate early drafts of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code revolved around this mystery, instead of the religious themes in the final version.
  • Is currently in talks to play Anna Nicole Smith in the upcoming all-star disaster epic "Anna Nicole: We Hardly Loved You".
  • Griffin lists one of her hobbies as confiscating sierra mists at airport security checkpoints.
  • Griffin will only date you if you're a billionaire or if you have seven penises to accompany her seven cooches.


Quotes[edit]

“I said GIVE ME THE FUCKING SIERRA MIST OR I'LL SHOOT!”

~ Kathy Griffin while working an airport security checkpoint

“Suck it Jesus this award is my God now!”

~ Kathy Griffin on every episode of the latest series of My Life on the D-List