“I can make better music with my arse, autotune, and a synthesizer”
“You're just a freak like me!”
Ke$ha (b. 2 March 1987) or, to give him his correct name, Michael Starborgling Jr. is a incredibly talented musical transvestite, with a passion for clapped out old rockstars e.g. Mick Jagger. As an "artist" he has sold a few albums world wide and is famous for being completely original and definitely not about copying Lady Gaga or Uffie in any way.
Michael was raised on a farm in Texas, he was the son of a baptist preacher and a cow. This strange breeding created a child that not only had the ability to inspire congregations by waving his arms about like a lunatic, but also could lactate an extraordinary amount of milk. This meant that for several years his father rented him out to local dairy companies. This, presumably, scarred Michael for life, which is why she/he is such a committed little hellraiser. Ke$ha is known for trying really hard to make sure everybody knows just how goddamn crazy she is. She's a party animal for crying out loud!!
Ke$ha currently has released one pathetic excuse for an album, Animal's I've Banged. She has confirmed that most of the lyrics from her album have been reminiscent of her younger years in which she worked as a prostitute.
1. Your Cum is my Drug
2. Suck Cock
3. Take it off
4. Screw and tell
5. Stephen was a friend I banged
6. Blah, Blah, Blah (aka I jump for no reason in the music video)
7-12. As with the rest of the album these songs are awful and not worth mentioning.
One standout aspect of Ke$sha's music is her fabulous and witty lyrics. She once claimed to be wittier than Oscar Wilde himself. She promptly retracted this statement because she soon realized she could not have been more wrong. Some of Ke$ha's best lyrics include classics like:
- Don't stop- naked pub, DJ blow my peekers up, Tonight- I'm on tight, 'Til we see the sodom light, Tick tock- on the cock, But the party done stop, no... oh oh oohh oh, oh oh oohh moan....
- Now the boys are lining up 'cause they hear we've got Swagger.
- I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk/ Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
- Blah, blah, blah/ Stop talking/ Stop talk, talk talking that
The fourth lyric is believed to be a general reaction to people meeting Ke$ha. Upon finding out just how darn loopy she is they plead with her desperately to stop talking. Ke$ha found this incredibly amusing and decided to write a really good song about just how much people love to converse with her.
Ke$ha's style is somewhere between rapping and singing, a vocal style called sapping. She uses the rapping part to show how 'street' she is, it is also used to show that she's of a high flying party animal. The singing part is mainly included so she doesn't get pigeon-holed as a hip hop artist, because if that happened she would be gunned down faster than you could say "bitchy little white chick". The singing parts also show how much of a loon Ke$ha is, and she really is kerrraaazeee!! As far as the music is concerned she mainly uses a 'talent emulator' as her real talent lies in partying hard and being a nutjob. She also likes to pretend that she is Lady Gaga, and that her second rate music made on a Macbook is an acceptable form of "talent." Her outfits worn in music videos/performances are things that even a drag queen would cringe at. Her standard "look" is that of someone who slept on the street, rolled around in glitter, hasn't taken a bath in days, threw up on her hair, and went dumpster diving for clothing.
Response from Critics
Ke$ha is basically a fucking lo$er in general. Most critics agreed on one thing when it came to Ke$ha, and that is that she's fucking terrible. Despite having Tik Tok reach number one in eleven countries, not a single good, productive or gifted idea has ever come from that musically retarded, unoriginal, inane, pointless and plain stupid whore faced hackneyed transvestite. But that's just what the critics say and what do they know. Who cares if they've been observing the music business for generations? What do they know about music? Certainly not as much as Ke$ha. Because she's really, really (really) good and talented. Most critics agree that Ke$ha's unfortunate success came from her 30 seconds worth of participation in the song Right Round by Flo Rida. It is believed that the only reason she has a career is that she blew him to get a record deal. 3OH3! claims that the only reason they continue making music with Ke$ha, is because she allows them to Eiffel Tower her. In fact, she's been fucked more than investors who were with Bernie Madoff. Currently the United Nations is drafting a coalition to have Ke$ha killed, and she has been placed on the FBI terror watch list since her music has prompted mass suicides when played in public settings.
Prince, The Artist Formally known as Symbol, placed a $1,000,000.00 bounty on Ke$ha's head if she ever comes around his house again. Last time she broke in, she left a demo tape of her music to him, but in actuality, it was a bomb ready to go off his ass.
Pact with Satan
It is rumoured that Ke$ha had to sell her/his soul to Satan to become the minor pop sensation that she is today. The rumour goes that, after escaping her forced milking at the hands of her baptist father, Michael/Ke$ha prayed to God to help her become rich and famous. Apparently the big man upstairs decided not to answer because he knows a lost cause when he sees one. Upon seeing this The Devil promptly auditioned Ke$ha (by making her/him sing her favourite tune, La Bamba) and made her sign a contract in her own blood. When the deal had been finalized, The Devil introduced the future 'minor' pop sensation to a talented producer and her knew best friend, the synthesizer. Of course this is just a rumour that has never been proven, although apparently if you follow Ke$ha on the night of a full moon, she sacrifices a goat in a pentagram. However, she could be doing that for any number of reasons that are not necessarily related to Satan.
After her pact with Lucifer, Ke$ha shot to minor stardom and has soiled everybody's ears with her filth ever since. Tragic. She is currently working on her second album that will be titled "Glitter Dumpster"
Reclamation of the $
The U.S. Government has recently announced that society will be reclaiming the $ used in Kesha's name. They attribute the lagging economy and a cheapening dollar to investors running from anything with a "$" thanks to this no talent ass clown. This law can be found Under Article IIIV part 2.8.a which states "Dirty dumpster sluts who can only sing by using auto-tune are barred from using monetary symbols in their names, for fear of financial meltdown."
Advancement into Cuntology
Ke$ha has made major advancements in the field of cuntology by donating her body to science of the said topic.