Keith Floyd
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“I'm gonna kill that mothaf*cka.”
~ Pink Floyd on Keith Floyd
“His arse is literally pukka”
~ Jamie Oliver on Keith Floyd
Keith Floyd, aka Floyd Keith, ambassador of all that is pompous, is a famous television chef and celebrated cheb end.
He is well known for pushing in front of people in queues, stinking of alcohol, and being an all round spoilt brat. He once made a woman, one Bethyl Dingertot, cry on one of his shows as she didn't know why they were soaking the artichokes in water. Floyd seized her by the hair and shrieked, "We SOAK them! We soak them like a bad teddy-bear soaks his mummy-poo! We do it because it makes us feel sexy, so sexy!"
Mrs. Dingertot waited for Floyd in the parking lot, and when he came out of the television studio she beat him senseless with a Welsh pudding.
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[edit] Early Life
Born on a barge on the Leeds-Liverpool canal, Floyd's upbringing was one that caused him much grief but also instilled in him his love of traveling. His parents sold flannels along the canal and would often leave the young Floyd unattended for days or even weeks without food. He was thus forced to learn how to cook for himself. He fried his first egg at age 2 and was within a matter of weeks also scrambling them. He later mused in one of his many books, "I was quite shocked when I tried cooking a horse egg I found by the canal. It was so fibrous...I think it might have been a horsie poop. My goodness, I was so naive..."
Miffed by his parents' lack of love for him he left home at age 14 and was taken under the wing of an old checkers master, Keith Chegwin, who taught him how to play checkers. It was all the old chap knew. Floyd's love of checkers would stay with him for 22 years until a fateful match against Andi Peters, when Peters beat him and forced him to eat the checkerboard, his chair, and a nearby Peugeot sedan.
[edit] First Job
While under the training of Checkers Grandmaster Chegwin, Floyd came to believe that he could become a master himself. In the 1970s such a champion could earn thousands of pounds per year, and live the life of a prince or even a Rolling Stone. However the world of professional checkers exploded into turmoil as computers began to beat all human players, and Floyd was forced to get a job shifting concrete. He used his meagre wage to care for the unwell Chegwin, who had fallen deathly ill with trench foot.
One night while they were stealing rutabagas from a farmer's field, the farmer ran out of his house with a shotgun and gave chase to the unlikely pair. Chegwin's bloated feet caused him to lag behind but the fearless Floyd would not leave him to be caught by the enraged farmer. Shots rang out. Blood sprayed over the rutabagas. Screams shattered the night. Gobbets of disease-infected flesh flew into the air. The moon went behind a cloud. Dogs barked. Badgers growled. Thunder boomed.
There is no clear account of the events that followed, but Chegwin never escaped from that field.
[edit] Recovery
Floyd has never spoken publicly about his dark past involving veggie theft, playing checkers, and his spiritual reverence for Mr. Chegwin, but it is possible these events caused his ensuing 10-year depression. It is reported the tatoo he has across his shoulders, which reads 'Checkers - 1975', does not refer to the famous World Checkers Tournament of 1975 but instead reads 'Cheggers - 1975' as an homage to Keith Chegwin's disappearance.
[edit] Books
It was during his 10-year depression that Floyd wrote his best cookery books, peppering the recipes with dark, inward-looking sililoquies that were often in cryptic form. Seafood: I'm angry at you is generally regarded as his definitive statement of literary philosophy, though his latest work Loafing in the South of France like a spoilt brat has also earned critical acclaim.
[edit] TV Appearances
Floyd has appeared in many television programmes over the years but most of his work was recorded from early 1992 through 1998. Each of his series often focused on a particular type of food, or a particular region of the world, which was reflected in the title. Floyd on Fish focused largely on cooking fish, particularly dolphins. His recipe for whole stuffed sperm whale is classic.
Floyd in the Desert, where Floyd spent 6 months filming in the Sahara desert, is considered to be his poorest work as the film crew had not realised there was no food or water to cook with. Nevertheless, some health-food faddists claim that the dish he created while starving near Tilbisi, Sauteed Sand Aux Pebbles Et Spider Legs, is the chef's greatest creation. The 8 part series (each episode being roughly 25 minutes long) consisted mainly of long, wide lens shots of the six-man crew tiresomely trekking across large stretches of open desert, desperate to find either water or food. Even though they were on location for 6 months they acquired only 15 minutes of what was considered 'usable' footage but for contracting reasons they had to create 8 episodes.
The food tabloid Weekly Waistline reported that all six men, including Floyd, had simultaneous breakdowns which caused them all to go mental and believe they were stranded under water. There are hours and hours of footage of the men pretending to swim in the sand and talking to each other in strange accents to simulate the sound of talking underwater. All concerned parties maintain they were just doing this for a joke, but the fact that 25 days' worth of this footage exists suggests that they are trying to cover up their breakdowns.
[edit] Charity Work
Floyd has regularly boasted that he has never given money to charity and 'never will do'. During the run-up to the recent Live 8 concert, the aim of which was to raise awareness of the lack of Rice Crispies in Africa, Floyd went on record to state that he did not believe Africa actually existed and that it was a ruse to enable Bob Geldof to gain a monopoly on the highly profitable breakfast cereal market. This was strange behaviour considering the Sahara desert is in Africa, where Floyd spent 6 months of his life.
