Kelly Osbourne

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I want a recording contract and I want it now or I'm going to scream!

“My album - Sleeping and Nothing was inspired by my life at the time and since for that matter”

~ Kelly Osborne on Album

“I like the song a girl sings 'Pappa Don't Preach' I gotta song for you too bitch, It's called Daughter don't sing”

~ Silky Johnson on Kelly Osborne

“She actually makes Madonna's version of "Papa Don't Preach" sound bearable.”

~ Everybody on Kelly Osbourne

Born to father John Osborne and mother Virginia Wolf, she decided she had had enough, and in honour of Ozzy Osbourne she slightly altered her surname to match his and instead of Looking Back in Anger decided to Look Forward in Anger and reach for the Vodka and Cigars. Contrary to popular belief that she is human, which is understandable as she is pink on the crayola chart, the shocking truth is that she is actually a downed Uzbekistanian weather satellite, that landed in Ozzy Osbourne's vegetable patch one grey September morning. He had just finished huffing a whole lion that morning so naturally assumed that Sharon had given birth again. "Bloodyhellaohwdhashituiwfuckingiuhaiuwfiawifag.....whatthefuckwasthat?" explains Ozzy. Sticking a wig on the newly born and wrapping her in lettuce, he proceeded to juggle her for 12 hours before taking her inside and feeding her an ant farm. Due to her obcene appearance US Congress is pushing a bill to have her classified as a WMD and to be decomissioned.

Kelly Osbourne is an anagram of Sell You Broken.

The Early Years[edit]

Kelly spent most of her childhood in a clear perspex box filled near to the brim with bonsai giraffes. The traumatic experience led to her imflamed lips and near terminal Sandinthevaginaitus. By the time she was 12 she was a fully certified gazelle jockey. To this day she holds the land speed record for hydrogen powered Llama racing. At the age of 14 she took her first step into music. She founded her first band, 'The Jackson 5' in which she played lead harmonica. She enjoyed marginal success for 6 weeks until, during OzzFest 2012, they were abducted by giant squid people and forced to work in their salt caves. Kelly was saved by Ozzy who proceeded to hurl whisky bottles at the intruders shouting "Fuckoffigedfiueyoufuckingpieceof...aiwdjwdjsquid.Leavemysatilittealone...orkissmy...arse!" Unfortuneately due to the shock, Kelly slipped into a coma for 3 years. During this time she was safely stored in the overhead compartment of Easyjet flight EZ-2067 that got lost on a route to Cliff Richard's toenail and eventually ended up in Elton John's asshole. Via the miracle of fusion energy, Kelly was able to form a symbiotic relationship with Elton's prostate gland. Fortunately it couldn't stand her rank presence and evicted her, from whence she came shortly after. From her rough start and misguidedness in life its not surprising that shes wanted in 12 systems. In a misunderstanding on her 18th birthday, she was accidentally mistaken for Sharon's dog Lola and was taken to Crufts where she won best of breed for Bulldogs.


Shut Up[edit]

Her debut album Shut Up! was released in 2002 to moderate sales, fueled mostly by the first thing that comes into her mouth when she thinks of her family, the album met with very good critical reviews in that they correctly said it was crap and no one really cared, she brought out another version with her father and still no one cared, she appeared as an Elvis Impersonator, in a leather catsuit with a whip and still no one cared. She even tryed losing a phew pounds and so did the record company shes signed too.

Sleeping and Nothing[edit]

Sounds of Snoring, some people actually bought it.

A move away from rock to definitely a more sombulent style.

The collection of noises called One Word did inspire Channel 4 to set up a Radio Station though, but they wouldn't let her on it, instead Sleeping premiered on Radio 3 considered as Experimental Music.

Controversial, among the few people who paid any attention.

Future in Noises[edit]

Said to be working up to bringing some more out, the album is reputed to be called Hawking Up for a Big Gob.

Kelly is one of those annoying wastes of space, who is like totally convinced that they are worth the air that they breath because one of their parents are famous. Just because her father was Pope does not mean she is a good singer, or has any fashion taste.

See Also[edit]