Kennewick War

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The Kennewick War
Part of the Kennewick War (dur!) Southridge reinforcements arriving on the battlefield
Date Sometime in 1970ish-present
Location Tri-Cities, Washington
Result Doesnt have one yet.
Combatants
Flag of Southridge.jpgSouthridge Suns

Delta Flag.jpgDelta

Flag of Kennewick.jpgKennewick Lions

Delta Flag.jpgDelta

Flag of Kamiakin.jpgKamiakin Commies Braves

Delta Flag.jpgDelta

Commanders
Flag of Southridge.jpgLt. General Willingham

Flag of Southridge.jpg Luke Skywalker

Flag of Southridge.jpgHarry Potter

Delta Flag.jpgDarth Cruentus

Flag of Kennewick.jpgKing Sauron

Flag of Kennewick.jpgNapoleon

Flag of Kennewick.jpgGeorge Lopez

Flag of Kennewick.jpgGeorge Clooney

Flag of Kennewick.jpgLord Voldemort

Delta Flag.jpgArnold Schwarzeneggar

Flag of Kamiakin.jpgEmperor Palpatine

Flag of Kamiakin.jpgBilly the Goat Rapist

Flag of Kamiakin.jpgImhotep

Flag of Kamiakin.jpgDarth Vader

Flag of Kamiakin.jpgJoseph Stalin

Delta Flag.jpgArnold Schwarzeneggar

Strength
Too little Too much Way too much
Casualties
Unknown TBD Still counting

“You can't give a Dementor the old one-two!(Dementor is british slang for a Kamiakin Warrior)”

~ Harry Potter on the dificulties of the war

“Old School.”

~ Geroge Lopez on the war

“Get back here, Potter! I want to see your face when I kill you! I want to see the light leave your eyes!”

~ Lord Voldemort fighting General Harry Potter at The Battle of Deatheaters inside the Black Hole of Calcutta

“The sands of time have already begun to pour against you, Kennewick.”

~ Imhotep on Kennewick

“Holly shi..”

~ Darth Vader right before he died

“Southridge is going to win...”

“The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that. ”

~ Arnold schwarzenegger explaining why he happens to be on both Kamiakin and Kennewick forces.

“Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Kamiakin Side.”

~ Emperor Palpatine expressing his over confidence

“There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.”

~ Napoleon on the war

“Remarkable boy. I do admire your courage. I think I'll eat your heart.”

~ Hannibal Lecter talking to a drummer boy durring the war

“Give me the RING!!!”

~ Sauron yelling at the same small boy durring the war
“We will use a flaming radioactive phaser-flamethrower that shoots machine-guns<choose>

<option weight="25"></option>

<option> plus to destroy them!”
~ Darth Cruentus fighting in the Kennewick War


The Kennewick War is a war being fought in Tri-cities, Washington by the three powers of the Tri-Cities, Kennewick High School, Kamiakin High School, and Southridge High School, who have all recently been aided by Delta mercenaries.

The Beginning[edit]

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth in six days. After that, he created man, and then he rested. Then he created woman, and neither man nor God has ever rested since!

The Other Beginning[edit]

Average Kennewick soldier

Okay, so this whole war deal all began back in 1970ish when Kamiakin (a colony of Kennewick) rebelled and declared independence. Well, Kennewick wouldn't have it, so war began. 20some-odd years later, in '97, Southridge, another newly established colony of Kennewick, declared their independence.

Just days after Kennewick troops were sent into crush this rebellion, Kamiakin (the "Braves") also declared war on Southridge (the "Suns"), making it Kennewick versus Southridge versus Kamiakin...okay, I'll stop with the weird colors now.

Kamiakin Rebels[edit]

Kennewick had been the first ruler of the Tri-Cities until the war began. Kennewick had quelled small rebelions from Pasco, Hanford, and Richland, befor but they had not had to fight a war with real men befor.

Typical Kamiakin soldiers

Anywho, sometime in about 1970ish, Kennewick established a colony they called Kamiakin (Kennewickese for Land of the Goat Rapers) Later, Emporer Constantine I decided that Kamiakin was awesome (he was later admitted into the psychiatric institution), and started a protest. Well, this protest quickly turned into a riot, and the riot turned into a revolution, and that revolution lead to a full independence movement. Sauron immediately sent troops in to crush the rebellion, but instead of a full-scale war, George Clooney, Sauron's most trusted commander, was given the order to have a thumb wrestling contest between the two sides best.

So Kennewick sent in Atom Ant, which scared the censored out of the Braves. Kennewick had the momentum but then, Kamiakin sent in Chuck Norris. In one of the greatest thumb wrestling contests of all time, Chuck Norris finally defeated Atom Ant in a contest that lasted over 4 months. Kamiakin had won their independence...and everybody was happy. Yay! Who-hoo! Yippee! Okay, that's enough being happy.

War Begins[edit]

Kennewick started to see that Kamiakin was not a bunch of ballet dancing homos like they had fought befor from Richland, Pasco, and Hanford. Kamiakin started to quickly take control of Tri-City provinces for a new empire. Kamiakin decided that they wanted to be the ruler of the Tri-Cities. The provinces surrounding Kamiakin fell rapidly under Kamiakins hand and for the first time since the creation of Tri-Cities, the map had more than just the color orange on it. Leading Telemundo analysist Katie Couric recently interview Frank West. Knowing her, she of course had to ask the stupidest question to Frank, she asked "When Kamiakin started forging its empire, was the war bloody?" His answer was simply "Well jeeze, let me think. Considering that nearly 45,000 people died on the battlefield, almost 10,000 died of various STDs and nearly 1,600 goats were raped in the first week, one could probably give a good argument to that if they answered 'Yes'."

The fighting only escalated from that point on...until one day, the war suddenly just ended. That's right, both sides just quit firing at each other...then Oscar Wilde flushed the toilet, pressed the play button and the war suddenly started up again. The fighting was fierce, but then one day, on March 19, 1990 (20 years after the war began) Sauron ordered an all out invasion of Kamiakin.

In what would go down in history as Operation:Storm the Heartland (also more commonly known as the Battle of the Pelennor Fields), about 54,000 Kennewick troops and a little over that many Kamiakin troops were engaged. Casualties of the operation were: about 54,000 Kennewick troops and a little over that many Kamiakin "Braves".

Promenient Casualties of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields[edit]

Kennewick Lions[edit]

Sauron's reaction when he saw the casualty list.
It's rumored that Gandalf the Grey was killed at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields by a Balrog of Morgoth. What did you say? A balrog of Morgoth. What did you say?

Kamiakin Braves[edit]

The War Gets Interesting[edit]

Okay, so right before the commercial break, we talked about the Battle of the Pelennor Fields. Well, let's skip ahead to 1995. In 1995, Kennewick set up another colony they named Southridge (Kennewickese for Complete and Total Domination Land). This decision would come back to haunt them. AAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! Sorry about that. Only 2 years later, Southridge rebeled and declared their independence.

A famous picture of the Invasion of Southridge by Kamiakin forces taken by Slobodan Milošević.

With a huge army, Sauron sat down and had a tea party. After this incident, he took that army of probably about 3,000,000 or so and invaded Southridge. The Suns had an army of about 3,500 (of which only 137 had ever seen combat before), no artillery with the exception of mortars, no air force and their troops were hastily trained and poorly equiped.

Despite this, the Suns absolutely kicked the Lions' arse, resulting in the death of around 36,000 Kennewick soldiers on the first day alone. Despite the extremely high casualties, the Lions kept going at it. Meanwhile, while 90% of Kennewick's soldiers were being owned by Southridge, Kamiakin made a big offensive and crushed the Lions.

The button Sauron pressed multiple times everyday at this point in the war.

Constantine started fighting with Southridge. An Empire has to grow doesnt it? Kamiakin had an unlimited suply of soldiers so why not.

So now, with only about 2,750 troops and very little ammunition, Southridge was up against over 4,000,000 well armed and expierenced troops of Kennewick and Kamiakin. It was only because of the heroic resistance we of the Southridge soldier and the skill/determination of Southridge commanders like Generals Harry Potter, Gandalf the White, Jonathan Willingham and William Wallace that Southridge survived.

Among hundreds of thousands of other soldiers, George Clooney of Kennewick was killed 5 times during the Invasion of Southridge. It was also during this period of the war that hostilities between Kennewick and Kamiakin were rekindled.

Southridge Owns[edit]

After the first Invasion of Southridge, more and more people rallied to the side of Southridge to the point where they had about 100,000 total fighting for Southridge. They also developed a powerful air force and navy. While they still had nowhere as near as many troops as Kennewick or Kamiakin, they began to fight a lardlarge-scale guerilla war against both sides. Both Generals Clooney and Napoleon of Kennewick were mortally wounded in one of the first engagements of the guerilla war with Southridge.

Kamiakin Empire Turns Tide[edit]

This is when Emperor Palpatine became ruler of Kamiakin. He built some huge ball, a death star he called it or something, which he used to kill the Southridge's alderran brigade. Unfortunatley some roudy teenagers were driving around and threw a cherry bomb into one of its exaust pipes and the thing blew up.

War Continues[edit]

So the war goes on...and on...and on and the death toll gets higher and higher, and God consumes more and more popcorn.

The final resting place of Brigadier General Darth Vader, killed in an ambush by Southridge troops led by Lieutenant General Jonathan Willingham. R.I.P. my friend.

In recent years, the violence has only escalated. On July 9, 2005, Darth Vader was leading a platoon of Kamiakin soldiers on a patrol assignment when his platoon was ambushed by Southridge forces. Vader put up a good fight, and both sides took many casualties that day, but when it was all said and done, Darth Vader died; killed by Jon Willingham himself. Willingham was himself wounded in the engagement, but he would be alright.

Major General Clooney was mortally wounded on Tuesday January 12, 1364. Rioting ensued in Paris...a lot of rioting. Lord Voldemort of Kennewick was also killed in January 2008; a bomb from a Kamiakin bomber hit Voldemort right on his domepiece. The bomb also killed Non-Ranked Atom Ant of Kennewick. The Kamiakin bomber was shot down by a pair of Southridge fighters just moments later. The plane kamakazied right into a Kennewick base.

George Clooney of Kennewick was killed in an ambush by Southridge troops on September 22, 2003. Just four days later, George Clooney retired from the military...he wasn't missed that much.

A well-known and well-liked Southridge officer named Oscar Wilde was killed in 2007; he got in a duel with a Kamiakin tank. Lets just say it did not work very well.

General Oscar Wilde; killed twice during the Battle of the Pelennor Fields and also killed on August 14, 2007.

of General Conn[edit]

On Sunday Februrary 17, 2008, Lieutenant General Jovan Conn of Southridge was mortally wounded. He died completely painlessly in his sleep sometime between Monday Februrary 18 and Tuesday Februrary 19. Southridge troops were extremely depressed by the loss of The Greatest Sun Ever.

A common Kamiakin recruitment poster found in random locations throughout the Empire.

A Happy Ending!??[edit]

So the war continues and the price gets ever higher and even more popcorn is consumed by God and Oscar Wilde. Considering that the war hasn't ended yet and that it's end is nowhere in sight of anybody with the exception of God. I wish that I could tell you that they all lived happily ever after, but that would be ridiculous to say that you have a happy ending to a story that hasn't ended yet...you just have a happy, and that is very strange.

“This is a good movie, but at the same time it's...almost blastphemous. First of all you say that I died twice in one battle; one time for each side, and even after that you say that I fought for Southridge. And then there's the fact that Napoleon has died 17,000 times, and if that's not bad enough, finally, you say that there's not a happy ending...you crushed my dreams right there...I'm gonna need therapy now thanks to you.”

~ Oscar Wilde's comments on the Kennewick War

“Dude, I love you but did your mommy ever teach you how to shut up?!?”

~ God on Oscar Wilde's comments on the Kennewick War
Delta warriors under command of Darth Cruents on a secret mission to take out an important Kamiakin weapons cache.
The flag of Delta. If you see this flag flying on the battlefield, you know your life is gonna end quickly.

Delta[edit]

In the year 2009 a new faction entered the war. Their name was Delta. This new faction in the war totaly changed the battle field of the Kennewick War. Delta works as mercenaries for hire with robotic machinery and all kinds of state of the art weapons ranging from proton cannons to illegal bio-chemical weapons banned by the Geneva Convention. Delta came to being under the rule of Darth Cruentus. Darth Cruentus's own fighting skills were hired by Southridge which gave Southridge a huge advantage in the Kennewick War at this point. I mean if you had any idea why his name was Cruentus you would understand.

Kennewick gets attacked... Again...[edit]

This Just In Admiral Saruman has been pwn3d by two people; Gandalf the White, and Darth Cruentus have all been given credit for the critical hit. Admiral Saruman is in critical condition; Kennewick nurses are tending to him right as we speak. It looks as though he may pull through, but he'll be scared and will have to sit out for at least a couple of weeks.

This Just In; directly after the attack on Saruman Lt. Dora The Explorer attacked Gandalf the White and stabed him in the heart. Just like when Gandalf fought that Balrog, he has come back to life though even though he died. Now hes Gandalf the Blue!

Oh wait, another This Just In!!; Private <insert name here> of Southridge has been hit and...no wait, Private <insert name here> is dead, it's official that he died.

No wait, a fourth This Just In, Admiral Saruman has died. Again! This Just In, Because of the death of Admiral Saruman, Kennewick are left wide open by sea. Kamiakin is taking advatage of this and is launching a massive fleet to assault Kennewick by sea.

Wow! Yet another This Just In Gandalf the Blue and Gold and Lt. General Jonathan Willingham have attacked Lt. Dora the Explorer. Comrade Nikolai Krushchev is coming to her aid, but.... OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Domination!!! Lt. Dora and Krushchev have both been killed.

What will happen to Kennewick? Will Kamiakin crush them? What is Southridge doing while all of this is going on? Tune in next week to see what happens. But until then, for all of us here in the studio this is Slobodan Milošević, good night.

See Also[edit]

Kennewick

Kamiakin

Southridge

War

Clone-Communist War

Lt. General Jonathan Willingham of Southridge

Overlord of Delta: Darth Cruentus

Battle of Antietam (still under construction)




Karate kat.jpg
Note: Many kittens were harmed during the creation of this article.
We just wanted to brag about it.