Kenya
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: Ken-Ya Believe it?! or Ken-Ya Dig It?! | |||||
| Anthem: "Hakuna Matata" | |||||
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| Capital | Nairobi, Pride Rock de facto | ||||
| Largest city | Some Ditch Village Founded by Woodrow Wilson | ||||
| Official languages | English, Swahili and Horrible Infectious Parasitic Diseases | ||||
| Government | Monarchy | ||||
| King | Simba | ||||
| National Heroes | Enya, Mufasa, Rafiki, Zazu, Kenyatta, Odinga I & II, Lwanda Magere, M-Oh-One etc. | ||||
| Independence - Date | From Scarface 24 June 1994 | ||||
| Currency | One Kenyan Shitting | ||||
| Religion | Rafikiism, Christianity, Animism, Traditional Beliefs,worshipping Anything that moves etc. ad nauseam | ||||
| Population | 34,256,000 lions and tigers and bears oh my! | ||||
“Sort of a downer.”
~ Oscar Wylde on Kenya
Kenya is a beautiful tropical country located in central africa. Kenya is known for it's ample food supplies, in-control population growth, and extremely low HIV/AIDS infection rate. In fact, Kenya is arguably this year's world vacation destination.
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[edit] Kenya
Kenya is well known for the fact that it is the only place you can see lions. If one would like to see some lions then I would say that their best bet would be to visit Kenya. You can also find people that can run fast there, and a group of psycotic gnomes who spend their days roaming the land and getting high on mango juice.
Kenya is also the only place where you can see tigers, though tigers aren't actually native to Kenya. So why is Kenya the only place you can see them? Shut up, you nosy kid before we cut off your nose. Come to Kenya and I can guarantee that you will be able to see many lions and tigers, as they are both available for viewing in Kenya.
Kenya has a history of being the place where the giraffes are, and zebras as a matter of fact, but for a limited time only. So if you want to see zebras you had better get to Kenya fast.
The Kenyan White Highlands comprise one of the most successful agricultural production regions in Africa; that is why the British colonialists took them and have never returned them since. Glaciers are found on Mount Kenya, Africa's second highest peak; unique physiography supports abundant and varied wildlife of scientific and economic value. And don't forget the food value, since Kenyans eat just about anything.....maize, rocks, constipated gnomes, glaciers, RICE, you name it.
Kenyan people live in mud huts and ride giraffes to school. They spend all their spare time chasing around Classic 105 Zain Man (who is actually a lion), hoping he will give them one banana that they will be able to share with their entire extended family, extended family's extended family, their dogs, and of course their blood brother Barack Obama. This all changes when they get political aspirations, at which point they demand half the Masai Mara in exchange for the great service of taking a car to Westlands.
A brilliant and exciting way to see the lions AND tigers in Kenya is to book a trip with HOLY CRAP LIONS! TOURInc which is 100% owned by the government and whose tours, like their name, are crap.
As an added bonus to show how thankful we are for you visiting Kenya you will also get a free virgin or Bowl of RICE with every visit. Just register yourself upon arrival with the Government Bureau of Virgins along K Street. Ask any Kenyan for directions.
[edit] A military history of Kenya
The small universe of Kenya has a history of having weapons of mass destruction and that is why His Excellency the Benign Emperor jordan read bombed it in 1997 (Cooperative House, Nairobi) and 2002 (Paradise Hotel, Kikambala). However, they have successfully managed to shift the blame onto Iraq, thus successfully providing the answer to a long-running scientific debate as to whether the buck stops in Nairobi or not. In 2006, when the Lion King refused to give the American Emperor of the time, Jabba the Hutt, an apology and a lion, Bush sent a bomber to bomb the main Pride Rock, but the very efficient Kenyan police captured the bomber, who repented his sins and revealed that Bush had kidnapped his IPod to force him into doing the dirty deed.
Another military outrage occurred in 1939, when Kenyan militants refused to help Ingyland forces fight the giant German that was invading France. The British then sent its Johnies to force the natives to go to war. This started the Mau Mau revolution, which was Che Guevara's main motivation to become Public Enemy Number One. Luckily, the German was detained in 1945, but the Mau Mau kept on fighting, because they were too deep in Mt Kenya forest to know the war was over. Soon, the Johnies wanted lunch and had to go back to Ingyland, but again, the Mau Mau didn't know, so they kept on fighting, even after independence. To date, sporadic reports show that they are still going strong, though they are just fighting trees and chewing miraa,thinking they will get the strength of popeye.
Also, Kenya has lions. Which, believe it or not...but you had better believe it....are great military weapons. Just ask Somali invaders, also called Shiftas, who were all killed by them in the Northern Frontier District during their 1970s invasion.
the most important weapon in the kenyan arsenalhttp://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/1/1e/Blue_Ball_Factory.gif
See UnNews:President Bush declares 'Kenya have weapons of mass destruction' for recent Kenyan military action.
[edit] Outrun and Conquer
Sallahuddin is a gorilla fighter from Kenya He uses his humongous mouth to swallow opposition and he is a very respected (NOT) loser.... May he die in hell in his mother's arms,... MASAII is in his heart always. forever and ever... Ah well lets go back to TOSHIBA HATING......
Though Kenya's army was well-run and efficient, it lacked the numbers either to effectively bully its neighbors or to silence asswipes who jack off about their country with stupid unfunny jokes on the Internet. In the 1960s the Kenyan military started a secret program to develop a new Super Soldier. This soldier would have the ability to run long distances without falling over. It was part of a clever new strategy: make a soldier who can always get away if outnumbered, and always catch and kill the enemy otherwise.
The first prototypes of these super-soldiers were tested in the Olympics at Mexico City. Kenya's prototype won gold in the 5000 meters. It looked like the program was a success. But poor security had caused leaks of crucial information, and in the next Olympics in Rome a runner from neighboring Ethiopia won the marathon without even wearing any shoes. The Kenyans were taken completely by surprise by this espionage. After a quick purge to kill off all the potential spies, Kenya's super-soldier program went into a period of strict secrecy. Over the next two decades an arms race developed between the Kenyans and their neighbors, Ethiopia and Somalia; Kenya's former colonial master, Britain, managed to acquire some of their data and created their own program. Unbeknownst to the Brits this was a setup, as the stolen data consisted of rejected genome maps, and while it would create record-setting runners for a decade or so, the runners would soon lose interest and retire, and fail to get any faster. But it served the Kenyans well, diverting attention from their program so they could continue in secret.
The next "enhanced soldiers" were unveiled in the late 1980s. These quickly dominated the World Cross Country Championships and world marathons, as well as most distance events in the Olympics. But Somalia and Ethiopia, though dirt poor, had maintained their own programs and were still producing top-notch athletes as well. Even worse, Moroccan spies had made off with the genetic fingerprint for a blitzkrieg-style strike runner, and began to dominate all distances between 1500 and 3000 meters, along with their ally Algeria.
The Beijing Olympics were closely watched by the world's powerful armies, as they were the latest testing ground for the current generation of high-speed soldiers. The Kenyan contingent was hugely successful, medaling in every event from 800 to marathon, twice in most events, and winning gold in half of them. Most of the others were won by their Ethiopian rivals. As of March 2009 the US army had put in an order with Kenya for two thousand middle-to-long distance soldiers for an elite battalion; India, Pakistan, Russia and China have ordered smaller numbers of soldiers. Arab countries have had access to the Morocco/Algerian genotypes for several years and use those mainly. Russia has also bought some of the Ethiopian version, because of their success at some of the longest distances; they will be used for their ability to cross the vast terrain of Siberia. It can be presumed that most of these armies will use the new soldiers in a combined infantry/cavalry role.
Many of these nations are also interested in buying short-distance products from Jamaica for use in special ops strike forces. The United States former short-distance supersoldier program was outlawed by Congress, so the US Army must look to Jamaica for those, or use the second-rate products of the National Football League. Steroid-enhanced designs have also been eclipsed by the stunning success of the new robotic prototype Usain Bolt.
The Kenyan military defended its title at the August 2009 world championships, and this time was soundly thrashed by successful new Ethiopian designs. The Kenyan men failed to win any event except steeplechase, which simulates ability to run while jumping over tanks. Rumors swirl of a Kenyan military purge, and possibly even war between the East African rivals.
[edit] Kenyan Powers in a Can
It seems scientists in China have created a chemical concoction that can grant you the powers of almighty Kenyan Super Soldiers. They have cleverly named it "POWERTHIRST" and marketed it to the United States of Ehrlich's economy. This "POWERTHIRST" comes in two flavors: Schocklate and Rawberry. It gives you the power of Energy Legs (made for kicking and running) and the ability to PowerInsert Verb Here. This is especially helpful because you can now "PowerSpawn". When you PowerSpawn, you imitate the Kenyan ability to rapidly reproduce asexually, causing you to grow a womb and shoot out baby Kenyans. Under the influence of POWERTHIRST, all children born to you are, and will forever be, Kenyan. You can have up to 400 babies on one can of POWERTHIRST. The side effects of POWERTHIRST include: snake-eyes, inability to live, becoming Kenyan, and producing a manly growl every three words.
[edit] National Anthem
In the jungle, the mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight In the jungle, the mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight
Chorus:
Near the village, the unpeaceful village The lion sleeps tonight so hush Jordan
Near the village, the unpeaceful village The lion CANT sleep tonight shut up Jordan so HE CAN SLEEP
Hush, my darling, don't fear, my darling The lion sleeps tonight
Hush, my darling, don't fear, my darling The lion sleeps tonight
[chorus]
Near the village, the peaceful village The lion sleeps tonight
Near the village, the peaceful village The lion sleeps tonight
Ademba's a dumbass, a super dumbass he thinks of Trophy all the time
Ademba's a dumbass, a super dumbass he thinks of Trophy all the time
Ademba's a dumbass, a super dumbass he thinks of Trophy all the time My little darling Don't fear, my little darling HAKUNA MATATA.....
[edit] Kenya as a Worm Hole
For several thousand years Kenya was a wormhole to Kenya in the future. Thousands of people traveled to the worm hole to find out what the future was like, unfortunately, Kenya is the future will be a worm hole to Kenya in the past, so going through the worm hole achieved nothing.
After budget cuts due to the DHMO poisonings, the worm hole was closed in the past. In the future, the worm hole is still open because of it's usefulness to Kenya's tourism industry. People who stay in Kenya for vacation are required to use their credit cards in the future, and those who visit the hole (which obviously no longer has a destination) are trapped there and are charged until they check out.
[edit] Marriage
It is a well-known fact that one can marry anything in Kenya. I mean an-y-thing. Like, you wanna marry a sandwich? BAM! Matrimony. A cocker spaniel? Go for it. It's normal. It's not uncommon for a man to have his... harem, for lack of a better word, consist of thousands of cookies, telephone books, college applications, lobsters.... the list could go on. But anyway, now that the riots are pretty much over, you could go over there if you wanted to marry your dog, or your sister, or blowup doll or whatever.
[edit] Economy
Lion tours, lion hats, lion cups, lion legos, lion lemonade, lion condoms, lion staplers, lion mugs, lion t-shirts, lion cd's, lion food containers, lion juice (straight from the source!), lion computers, lion ipods, lion phones, U2, lion feces, lion calculators, lion tv shows, lion wars, lion fight, WWE lion edition, lion wikipedia, lion flowers, lion poetry, lion board games, lion stero systems, lion cars, lion boats, lion video games, Call of Duty 4: Lion edition, lion travel packages, lion subways, lion dvd players, lion napkins, lion silverware, lion trumpets, lion guitars, lion violins, lion saxophones, lion suitcases, lion grocery store chains, LIONS R US (national store of Kenya), lion lights, lion beds, lion gates, lion birth control pills, lion lions, NO LIGERS (they are homosexual), and runners.They are the poorest motherfuckers in the world
[edit] Some random statistics
Ratio of men to women in Kenya 2/0
Percentage of poulation with AIDs 99.9%
Ratio of homosexuals to heterosexuals 1/0
Ratio of WMD to non-WMD 0/0
Percentage of people who are so uneducated or illiterate that they try to divide by zero three times on the same page 0.1%
Probability that SALAHUDDIN is GAY?? 100%
Probability Mehr Nandrah is gay 100%
Population 3.2
Cost of toilet paper $4.50
Cost of Condoms $6.00
Getting AIDS Priceless
Ratio of Lions to Tigers 5/4
Anumberofnorealsignificance 142857
Being home for Christmas in Kenya Priceless
Base Damage 16
Class Druid
Political party 2 nights out of the week
Number of Big Heads Everyone
Accuracy 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592
President of Kenya Morgan Freeman
[edit] Tourism in Kenya
Tourism is the largest and only source of revenue in Kenya, thus explaining why they are so poor.It is a heaven for backpackers).In 1998, they started their "Ken-Ya Believe IT!?" campaign. It resulted in several lions mauling a Dutch tourist. The Dutch government did not press any charges seeing as the tourist was dumb enough to go to Kenya and was a Muslim going to Kenya to search for himself as a follower of Islam. As the Dutch Prime Minister summed the case up, the lions need to eat, the fewer Muslims on Earth the better, and Holland needs to get rid of dumb people, which works out in everybody's favor. Apart from the dumb Dutch (cheese heads) of course, but they are too dumb to know it.
[edit] The Kenyan Ascendancy Plot
The son of a Kenyan man recently became President of a major superpower, which led the Kenyan government to hatch a clever plot. This President was legally eligible to be President of the major country, regardless where he had been born, since he had been born to a citizen of that country and had spent most of his life there. But Kenyan spies began starting rumors that he had been "born in Kenya." Outwardly the claim was this made him an ineligible President. It doesn't, but claiming it hides the true goal of the conspiracy: to have the President legally declared a Kenyan. Since he would still be a natural-born citizen of the major superpower, this would in fact result in only a dual citizenship. Once Kenyan citizenship is established, they plan to immediately elect him President of Kenya. He will then be President of both countries. Immediately before electing him President of Kenya, they intend to alter Kenya's constitution with the following clause:
"Any President of Kenya, who is also a President of another country, even a major superpower, shall adhere foremost to the laws and Constitution of Kenya, and shall use his office in the other country to annex it to Kenya, and make it a province thereof."
The plot is so clever that the President's fiercest enemies are unwittingly agitating for the conquest of their own country by Kenya.
[edit] See also
[edit] Rafikism Reaches the Masses
Rafikism is the most abundant religion in the region. many strange and wonderous things occur to those who belive in the bullcrap. Im too lazy right now to finish. but Rafikism is based heavely on, "the elements" and spirits and stuff.
[edit] External links
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| North Africa | Algeria · Egypt · Libya · Morocco · Sudan · Tunisia · Western Sahara | 
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| West Africa | Benin · Burkina Faso · Côte d'Ivoire · Ghana · Guinea · Guinea-Bissau · Liberia · Mali · Mauritania · Niger · Nigeria · Senegal · Sierra Leone · Togo | |
| Central Africa | Angola · Cameroon · Belgium · Central African Republic · Chad · Democratic Republic of the Congo · Equatorial Guinea · Gabon · Republic of the Congo | |
| East Africa | Burundi · Djibouti · Eritrea · Ethiopia · Kenya · Madagascar · Malawi · Mauritius · Mozambique · Rwanda · Seychelles · Somalia · Tanzania · Uganda · West Kenya · Zambia · Rhodesia | |
| Southern Africa | Botswana · Lesotho · Namibia · People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata · South Africa · Swaziland · Zululand | |
| Dependencies | United Kingdom : Gibraltar · Indian Ocean Territory · Isle of Wight · Welsh Congo (Pitcairn Islands) |
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Canada ~ This country is NOT Australia ~ Canadia ~ The REAL Sheep-Shaggers ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
