Kerry Katona

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Kerry Jane Elizabeth Katona (born 6 September 1980) is an extremely ugly and fat media personality. Best known for munching on Iceland fish fingers, neglecting her children and marrying a weird London Taxi driver who liked to spend her money.

Katona was brought up partly by her mother Sue Katona and partly by a chimpanzee named Toby. She lost contact with Toby when he ran away because she kept eating all of the bananas in house due to being a fat turd. She was also raised by a foster grandmother and others. As a young girl, she was placed in care because she had been previously careless and was brought up by four sets of foster parents.[1] During that time, she attended eight different schools because she was repeatedly expelled for blocking corridors, farting in other children's homework diaries, shitting in the headmaster's desk drawer and attempting to eat the school lab rat.<ref


Kerry Katona gained fame for being a member of the girl group Atomic Kitten, some of whose members (Liz McClarnon, Natasha Hamilton) are as ugly as she is. However she left in 2001 when she became pregnant with her very famous daughter, Delta Goodrem. After she left the band, the remaining girls returned to their jobs at Stringfellows. Katona later admitted to never singing on any of the group's songs, due to her suffering a fatal accident involving her vocal chords, a knife, a cactus, some chips, a banjo and Bob Monkhouse in 2000,although her spoken voice was featured on the group's biggest hit "Whole Again" .

After Atomic Kitten[edit]

During the band's fame, Kerry married the fat, rat-faced, ugly one from Westlife who looked like a pig. They spawned two unattractive children who attracted the sympathy of the nation for being parented by a pig and the fat, rat-faced, ugly one from Westlife. The marriage was short lived, however, as Brian couldn't help shagging lap-dancers in an effort to forget that he was married to the common one from Atomic Kitten, and Kerry spent her earnings on chips. The couple's two daughters are: Delta Goodrem McFadden (born in 2001), and Lily Allen McFadden (born February 3 2003).

After marrying McFadden, she moved into television, appearing on and presenting a mixture of light entertainment programmes such as Britain's Sexiest Idiots..., Loose Women and Why Don't You?.

McFadden and Katona separated in September 2004. McFadden wrote 2 songs on his solo album Irish Eejit Sings Da Blues, So It Is called Bugger Off Widya Own Daughter Who Is A Bland, Talentless But Attractive Australian singer, Who Inexplicably Fancies Me and Eat Five Thousand Chips A Day about the failed relationship. The divorce resulted in a period of chups and 'drug' abuse for Katona and which she went into rehab to cure her addiction to Turkey Drummers and chips.

In June 2006, Katona and McFadden were discussing custody over their children because of Katona's admitted 'drug' and chips abuse. McFadden is a close friend of Jamie Oliver.

After Brian McFadden[edit]

In 2005 Dev Alahan, a former teenage sweetheart, moved in with her for seven months, but Katona is now married to taxi driver Charlie Slater. She was almost 8 months pregnant when they tied the knot with famous daughter Nikki Grahame, another filthy sprog which will no doubt soon be weaned off its mothers cocaine shrivelled breast onto additive filled, bread crumb coated GM mush from Iceland, Britain's premiere frozen food chav store.

Katona and Alahan were married at Gretna Green in Scotland at the famous Gretna Green Pub. They have two illicit love children which Jordan and Peter Andre adopted after failed attempts at adopting one of madonnas 34987 black kids. To this very day they still claim the kids are theirs even thought they have adopted their mothers inherent genteic love for turkey twizzlers and chips.

Katona has a regular column in Horses Weekly Magazine, has had the job of the face of Iceland and has also done some work for Poundstretcher.

More Quotes about Katona[edit]

  • "Oh God No, No, Oh my GOD! No! EW! GOD NO! Oh GOD!"- The Gruffalo, when asked would he like to take Katona out for a box of Iceland's finest frozen prawn curry.

"we are glad of the publicity because she is constantly assoicated wuth our products" Coca-cola spokesman

Taken hostage[edit]

According to reports, Kerry Katona, her husband, and some bags of frozen chips and baby were reportedly taken hostage during an armed robbery on July 16, 2007, they all escaped unharmed.

The thieves escaped with:

  • A pair of purple spandex hotpants (belonging to Charlie)
  • 12 packets of Turkey Drummers from the deep freezer
  • A pound shop fan
  • White sandals from Primark
  • A Mark Goodier signed picture
  • A piece of cheese.
  • 48 rolls of sellotape
  • 2 pairs of joggers from juicy couture, size 8 and 18
  • 500 bags of frozen chips, 1000 boxes of microwave chips
  • Twenty half-eaten prawn rings

Book[edit]

Katona released her own autobiography on October 5 2006 titled Too Much Food, Too Much....Generally with ghostwriter Les Dennis. As she has about as much mental capacity as a schizophrenic tadpole, this book is officially utter shit.

Love life[edit]

At a recent press conference Kerry Katona has admitted she is a lesbian. She has been spotted in a London nightclub with Fearne Cotton and she has publicly stated she has been lesbian since the age of 5.

Children[edit]

Kerry Katona has been blamed for such a rapid population growth all over the world. This fear was confirmed in October 1st, 2009. In the report it stated, "at least 60% of the world can trace themselves back to Kerry Katona."

Mysteries[edit]

For some reason Kerry Katona chose to talk on T.V. (I forget which station), a few minutes after having 3 pints of "medicine". Some people believe she is closely related to The Stig, and that she can't get arrested as she has had a blood transfusion from Pete Docherty. This also means she has contracted many diseases from Pete's blood, including:

  • Constant Drunkeness
  • The need to make rubbish adverts
  • Hunger for chips


As a result of these illnesses she had to be castrated (hence the stupid, annoying high pitched voice).

Summary[edit]

In other words, Kerry Katona is a fat, obnoxious, intellectually challenged, chav who really needs to lay off the Iceland meals and chips.

Or in slightly fewer other words - she's a cunt.

  1. Telegraph.co.uk "Ghost stories". September 3, 2006, p. 6