BACON

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Kevin Bacon)
Jump to: navigation, search
BACON
Isolated Bacon.jpg
Periodic symbol Ba
Number bacon bacon
Physical Properties
Weight 0
Density 0.5 g/cm³
Melting point 245°C
Boiling point 472°C
Sizzling point 102°C
Crisping point 163°C
Hamification point -13°C
Taste factor
(from -1 to 1)
1337

“Bibbity Bobbity Bacon!”

~ Jim Gaffigan on Bacon

“BACON! BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON!”

~ Beggin' Strips Dog on bacon. Which makes me think, is there such thing as a rehab clinic for dogs? We already have hotels for dogs.

“BACONBACONBACONBACONBACONBACONBACON!!!!”

~ Kevin BACON on what he wanted for breakfast

“let there be BACON”

~ Jesus at the last supper had a plate of BACON

“Beer-can”

~ Jamaica on Bacon

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACON!!! GIVE ME BACON! I WANT BACON! YOU NO GIVE ME BACON?! I KILL YOUR ASS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!”

~ You on bacon

BACON[edit]

First invented by Sir Francis BACON to combat famine, BACON lives true to its purpose as the primary weapon in the War on Hunger. To date, it has fed billions of people around the world, many of whom have developed such a fanatical love for it they changed their last name to BACON.

The sexiest form of BACON.

Unfortunately, BACON has led to large world conflicts including World War II. The holocaust, similar to the potato famine, was a phenomenon in which food around the world suddenly became extremely scarce. Hitler, kind benevolent dictator of Germany, decided that he would solve the hunger problem by unleashing his surplus supply of BACON(few people know that BACON will outlast both Twinkies and cockroaches in a Nuclear disaster) upon the people of Germany. Because practicing Jews are unable to eat pork products, millions of Jews during this time died terrible and gruesome deaths. Ultimately, Hitler lived happily ever after. Then he died of high blood pressure. BACON was scapegoated as the cause of his death, and became unpopular for nearly a decade after the war. Eventually it recovered, during the rise of scientology in which Kevin BACON recruited his Hollywood friends to make his favorite food less expensive. Bacon can fly like a rhino in a kite.

This has led to BACONism, or the worship of all things BACON. It has always been a growing phenomenon. Its followers, BACONists or sometimes BACONians, eat a diet consisting entirely of BACON products such as BACON bread, BACON smoothies (BACON ground up in a blender), or BACON pie. Because of this, BACONists often have extremely long life spans and superhuman strength, including an extreme weight advantage of around 1k lb omgwtfbbq. BACONists will also eat BACON its many forms, including normal, rashers, Canadian, bits, soda-flavored, bottled, hamified, burnt to a crisp, and even Kevin (on some occasions).

Health[edit]

BACON, of course, is also the healthiest food known to man. It is delicious and nutritious, as well as good for the body, mind, soul and fleshy area on the back of the knees. It has also been proven to significantly increase one's lifespan by one hundred years, if not more. It has virtually no negative side effects. In fact, it has even been shown to cure cancer. Evidence exists to support the claim that, in high enough quantities, BACON can even turn you into Ozzy Osbourne.

As a result, doctors often prescribe all-BACON diets or sometimes even BACON pills to patients with heart disease, high blood pressure, obesity, vitamin B (BACON) deficiency, and AIDS. This makes BACON the most common thing doctors perscribe. Sometimes, doctors may also inject BACON grease into patients who have high cholesterol to lubricate their clogged arteries. Even hospital patients are hooked up to IVs of liquid BACON to speed up their recovery.

Everything you think you know about bacon is a lie! it has come from the planet of bacoauns, to take protect from the evil dictator the Great Ham-let. http://www.snorgtees.com/bisforbacon-p-1006.html?osCsid=707198f6042fa9cafcd97e91e3c2dc3a

Hamification[edit]

Although typically stable at room temperature and even refrigerator temperature, at temperatures below -13°C BACON becomes rather unstable and begins to go through a process commonly known as Hamification. Through this process, BACON begins to turn into the substance called "ham" or even into whole pigs, which were an unknown animal until scientists accidentally made one from Hamification. Now, Hamification is used to mass-produce the world's supply of pigs, which are used to make more BACON. We all want to be like BACON with its juicey goodness. Thats why we all want his abs and like have his BACON oh baby, BACON. For more information on BACON, look anywhere... except Wikipedia.

History[edit]

BACON in its natural state: crispy.
This is what happens when Grues don't get their BACON.

BACON’s history begins in the early 1500s when Sir Francis BACON, troubled by the lack of BACON in people’s diets, decided to solve the problem by creating BACON himself. He started with a pig and crammed it into a tiny box filled with bees. The bees had been sent back in time from the future by Sir Francis, after he genetically engineered them to convert pigs into BACON. The bees chewed the crushed pig between their tiny bee teeth, passed the pig through their tiny bee guts and then plopped the resultant good stuff out their tiny bee bums in the form of crispy strips. Violá: BACON!

As an interesting and thoroughly scientifically-correct sidenote, BACON has an infinite number of protons, neutrons, and electrons, and was the first element in the Awesomnium series to be invented by man.

When Sir Francis BACON released his research to public eye in 1523, people were amazed and stunned by the power and energy the new element exhibited. Some military commanders that were impressed even began to send their troops out clothed and armed with BACON. This was, unfortunately, what made the crew of the U.S.S. Indianapolis so appealing to the sharks when the crew’s ship sank in the Pacific Ocean. Despite this grim event that occurred over 400 years later, Sir Francis BACON quickly became famous for discovering the element. However, Sir Francis BACON lived in Soviet Russia. Due to the laws of Russian Reversal, Sir Francis Bacon, instead of naming the newly discovered element after himself, instead took the awesome name of BACON as his own.

In the years following the invention of BACON, there was a sharp rise in the number of BACONists living in the world, leading soon to a BACON revolution that shaped the Enlightenment, as well as the Industrial Revolution and much of the history of the world.

Sir Francis BACON. Clearly, he loves BACON.

The Slow Beginning[edit]

BACON took quite a while to gain worldwide fame. Sir Francis BACON took many trips to Africa, Israel, Disneyland, and Jupiter to try to popularize the product. However, wherever he went, the JEWS were always there to keep to awesome BACONy goodness that is BACON down. They would terrorize the masses into believing that BACON was not, in fact, the shiznit. So Sir Francis BACON was required to enlist the aid of the Jedis to annihalate the Jews and their anti-BACON agendas. After thousands of seconds of war, the Jews surrendered and allowed BACON to become popular. Then they feasted on bacon strips for eternity!!! BACON FOREVER!!

mr kiwi like BACON!!!!

???????[edit]

dont not like bacon asses.it wonthurt when you bite its ass

The BACON Sandwich[edit]

Main Article: Sandwich. Or was it John Montagu? Both artices speak finely of sandwiches, so it probably doesn't really matter anyways.

The year was 1718, I remember it well. The month was November. The day was the 307th (of the year). As the poor peasants living in Sandwich, England awoke, each one found there was a smell in the air, as if the day would be an important one. The smell, of course, turned out to be the sudden, unexpected release of a large underground supply of methane gas, which bears no relevance to the topic at hand. But, despite the unusual methane release, the simple peasants never suspected that this day would become one of the greatest in history (although they did suspect it would be a rather important day). It was that day, November 307, 1718 that the great 4th Earl of Sandwich, John (Earl) Montagu the Great, was born.

It was this John (Earl) Montague who would become one of the single most important men in the BACON Revolution (not to be confused with BACON's Rebellion) when he was the first man to eat BACON between two slices of bread. This became the BACON sandwich, the wonderful invention Montague made the moment he assembled the beautiful creation, and the masterpiece that became a phenomenon the moment Montagu sank his teeth in, chewed, savored, swallowed, and gave the sandwich two thumbs up.

Soon after that night where Montagu ate his masterpiece, everyone was eating BACON sandwiches, amazed. The level of brilliance required to create such a work of genius was totally unheard of in such an era of awful ideas such as Monarchy and Royalty. Thus, John Montagu became forever immortalized by his magnificent creation. Over time, the BACON sandwich would lead to the creation of, amongst many things. the BACON BACON BACON sandwich, a BACON sandwich using BACON instead of bread to house the BACON interior, as well as the fabled BACON and Cheese Sandwich of 1905. The BACON sandwich is also believed to be the meaning life by a number of religious groups around the world.

BACON Bits[edit]

Another breakthrough would come in the 1800s when a young inventor named Alfred Nobel was upset that BACON could not be in every single dish and drink. The story goes that Nobel had stuffed BACON into his milk during breakfast, but almost choked to death on the tasty strips as he drank the milk. He immediately began to wish there was a way he could enjoy BACON-milk (not to be confused with the milk acquired from BACON breasts) without choking on strips of BACON. Once his mind started thinking, he couldn’t stop it. But, without anything to go on, Nobel’s problem could not be solved.

Soda with BACON!!!
Salt with BACON!!!
Mayonnaise with BACON!!!

Thus, the problem went on for years, during which he often choked on BACON when he drank his milk, until, finally, he reached a realization. Using his invention of dynamite, Nobel rigged a package of cooked BACON to a detonator and blew it up. Quickly, Nobel took the product of the first experiment and sprinkled it into a glass of milk, which he immediately drank. Nobel did not choke. He was astonished. Letting no time go to waste, Alfred Nobel patented his invention of exploded BACON, calling it "BACON bits". This creation would make Nobel his fortune of billions, enabling the establishment of the Nobel Prizes in the fields of peace, literature, physics, chemistry, medicine, economics, and BACON. But, more importantly, the invention would lead to BACON soda, as well as soda with BACON.

The Discovery of Hamification[edit]

In 1938, scientists experimenting with samples of BACON stumbled upon very startling results. Two BACON samples placed in a very cold freezer had been replaced by a substance known as ham. Startled and shocked, the scientists could find no logical explanation for this other than sabotage. Naturally, they blamed the Jews and shot all of the Jewish scientists involved in the experiment. The remaining scientists then repeated their experiment. The BACON had yet again been replaced by ham. Several of the scientists, angry and paranoid, shot any scientist they even remotely suspected of being Jewish. For a third time the experiment was repeated. But this time, the freezer was surrounded by motion-sensor machine guns to shoot any potential saboteur. Thus, confident that no one could have tampered with the results, the scientists returned to observe the BACON. They were shot to death by motion-sensor machine guns.

The next day, the police came down to investigate the disappearence of Jewish scientists and stumbled upon the scene. They were shot by motion-sensor machine guns. The next several police squads sent to the lab had a fate no different. But then, a S.W.A.T. team with bullet-proof vests was sent in. But, of course, bullet-proof vests are not sufficient enough protection against machine guns, so the S.W.A.T. team was wiped out. But finally, a man with brains arrived wearing virtually impenetrable body armor. Unfortunately, the person did not wear a helmet and thus was killed by machine guns.

To this day, no one has ever succeeded in retrieving the results in that freezer. And thus was the discovery of Hamification. Well, it might have been how Hamification was discovered. In fact, the story probably isn't even true at all, thus making it completely irrelevant.

The Creation of BACON-Creating Bees[edit]

Sir Francis BACON saw how his incredbile meat product was an insanely successful food, and sought to create a BACON creation method that he could send back in time via his Delorean to his younger self to get the process started in the first place.

After many boring years of research, he finally discovered that Peruvian Giant Bees, when shrunk to half the size of normal bees, could eat a pig and poop it out as BACON. By sheer luck, these genetically-engineered bees were also the only lifeform (apart from humans) who could travel through time without exploding or growing eyeballs in place of their ballbags.

Speaking of balls: Sir Francis BACON sent the bees back in time to himself and got the BACON-ball rolling! And the rest, as they say, is history!

Bacon in the Human Body[edit]

Naturally, The human body prefers BACON over water. Over time the human body has evolved so that it is not composed of as much water. Over time, the bodies of humans have evolved so that they are using BACON as a superior alternative to water. This process is commonly referred to as Chronic BACONization. The human body, originally having been made up of 85% water, is now less than 1/3rd water. Ever since the invention of BACON, Chronic BACONization has caused the human body to have a 50% BACON composition. This explains why eating BACON has such vast potential as a healing agent. Today, over 29,987 of the worlds diseases are related to a lack of this vital nutrient.

How to Make and Eat a Fried BACON Sandwich[edit]

A simple way to use bacon.

Of course, you cannot read about BACON, BACON products, and Hamification for so long without having the urge to devour vast quantities of it. Thus, I shall instruct you on how to make a delicious and extremely healthy fried BACON sandwich.

You see all this? It's not nearly enough BACON for your sandwich.
  1. Buy about 50 pounds of BACON at the store.
  2. Fill the pan with Motor oil and Wine
  3. Light a bonfire underneath the pan
  4. Dump the BACON in the pan
  5. Make some pancakes
  6. Now deep fry the BACON
  7. Caramelize the pancakes and then deep fry them
  8. Put the BACON on the pancakes
  9. Season with BACON Bits
  10. Garnish with Sausage and BACON
  11. Enjoy!

Note: It is important you follow all these steps in their exact, listed order so that you can enjoy a wonderful meal of a BACON sandwich, as opposed to food poisoning.

(* brown sauce optional)

How to Make and Eat a Fried BACON BACON BACON Sandwich[edit]

Repeat as above, replacing the two slices of bread with two large amounts of fried BACON. Really, it's that simple.

Once you have finished consuming your sandwiches, continue on.

(* waffer-thin mint optional; however, mint must be BACON-flavored)

Historical Influence[edit]

In the history of the world, BACON has had great influence, some of which is unknown to the public. For instance, World War I was not, as many believe, the result of some Serbian asshole named Gavrilo Princip shooting the Archduke of Austria-Hungary, Franz Ferdinand. Well, actually, it was, but the reason why Princip shot the Archduke was... Well, actually, the reason wasn't at all BACON-related, but that’s not the point. Everyone got involved in the war because... well, the alliance system for one, but also because each country was suffering a great BACON shortage. Yes. BACON production had dropped by 50% worldwide in the year 1913. This had already resulted in the deaths of millions, so Europe was in turmoil, fighting for BACON, as well as the body of Archduke Franz Ferdinand (he was sexy).

Russian Revolution[edit]

For the Russian Empire, though, the BACON shortage was much more severe. In the Russian winter, no BACON shipments could get through from other countries to aid the dying people. The entire population of BACON shrubs had perished as well. Millions were dying. Finally, in 1917, the Russians got fed up with their incompetent ruler, Tsar (sometimes even Czar or Tzar, but almost never Csar) Nicholas II. A mob of angry Russian peasants forced Nicholas II to abdicate his throne and create a provisional government in March.

But the BACONsheviks, a radical Marxist group that didn’t trust the government, were preparing a revolution to ensure everyone got their BACON. In October, they launched their plan and marched upon Petrograd (which used to be St. Petersburgrad), toppling the government and taking control. A totally awesome dictatorship of the BACONroletariat was established and BACON was given to all.

Unfortunately, this did not last long. The evil "BACONshevik" Joseph "I Hate BACON" Stalin seized control of the dictatorship and effectively ended the free BACON distribution, handing out anti-BACON propaganda. He outlawed the sale, use, and possession of anything related to BACON, including police officers. Anyone who opposed his anti-BACON policies became an unperson. Soon, this time period where BACONists were persecuted would become known as the Great Purges. It is estimated that during Stalin’s reign, over 50 million people died from anti-BACONism-related causes.

Benito Mussolini uses his evil Fascist powers to destroy BACON.

Fascist Italy[edit]

Like Stalin, Benito Mussolini was also terrible, despite the fact he has a funny name. As the fascist dictator of Italy, he outlawed everything awesome, though he also outlawed crappy stuff like political parties, criticizing the government (Mussolini), and suffrage (suffering). But, unfortunately, amongst the awesome things he outlawed were waffles and especially BACON. This soon earned Mussolini the nickname Il Douche, literally meaning "the Douchebag." He was a very evil leader. Until King Victor Emmanuel III fired him. Then he was a very evil man. Until a pro-BACON communist mob shot him, hanged him, stuffed his genitals in his mouth, and stuck him on a meat hook. Then he was a very evil, very dead man, with genitals in his mouth.

It is said that a "Weekend at Bernie's" situation occurred after the communist mob had shot him, and thus the communists, believing Mussolini to have survived the bullet, severed his genitals and hanged his body. But, when he was taken down, some idiot thought he saw Mussolini moving and screamed. The mob, believing Mussolini to be invincible, stabbed him on a meat hook so that Il Douche could not reach back and pull himself off. But, of course, he was dead, along with his anti-BACON policies.

Canada[edit]

Sir Francis BACON hated Canada, never went to Canada, farted in the general direction of Canada, and most importantly, staunchly refused to reveal the formula for BACON to the Canadians. Thus it was that, in the great BACON blight of 1737, the Canadians were forced to solicit the talent of one Sir Francis Canadian BACON to develop an acceptable BACON substitute. The best that Sir Francis could come up with was Canadian BACON, which compares to real BACON as Canadian money compares to real money. Canadian BACON was largely ignored until Benedict Arnold, in an act of defiance against the Continental Army, placed a slab on Canadian BACON on an English muffin, added a poached egg (poached from Thomas Jefferson's henhouse), and splashed it with juice from a Dutch mercenary, thus creating Eggs Benedict, for which treasonous act he was forever exiled from the Colonies.

Canadian BACON, I mean, Jesus.

Literature[edit]

A classic piece of BACONist literature.

Over time, a great amount of short stories, poems, and even entire novels have been written solely for BACON and its awesomeness. Most of these writers, of course, are BACONists. Some of the most famous literature ever written has been written out of love for BACON, including such great books as Lord of the BACON by William BACONing, Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (a.k.a. Eric BACON), To Feed a Mockingbird Some Rashers and Such by Harper BACON, and The BACON BACON BACON Bible BACON by His Greatness, the Almighty, Our Lord BACON. Some other well-known influential writers of BACONist literature include Charles Dickens.

Excerpts from two well-known pieces of BACONist literature follows:

“Okay, I need to tell you a story. I was going to the store yesterday and they had BACON, right? And I was all, 'I waaaant some'. And then this guy hit me, right? I was sad. So I said, 'how did you, I wanted BACON!!!' and he was all, 'no.' and then...I'm going to go cut myself.”

~ from A Chronicle of Emoness from the Deprivation of BACON Whilst Questing for Said BACON

“Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens BACON aus unruhigen BACON Träumen erwachte, fand er sich BACON in seinem Bett zu einem BACON ungeheueren Ungeziefer verwandelt. BACON. Er lag BACON auf seinem BACON panzerartig harten Rücken BACON und sah, wenn BACON er den Kopf (BACON) ein wenig hob, seinen gewölbten, braunen, BACON von bogenförmigen Versteifungen BACON geteilten Bauch, auf BACON dessen BACON Höhe BACON BACON sich die BACON Bettdecke, zum gänzlichen BACON Niedergleiten bereit, BACON kaum BACON noch BACON erhalten konnte. BACON! Seine BACON vielen, im BACON Vergleich zu BACON BACON BACON seinem BACON sonstigen BACON Umfang BACON kläglich dünnen Beine flimmerten BACON ihm hilflos vor den BACON BACON BACON BACON ICH LIEBE BACON!!!!! Augen.”

~ from Die Verwandlung (The BACON Lung) by Franz Kafka BACON

Famous BACONists[edit]

Thoughts on Bacon[edit]

  • What if we built a time machine and force George Lucas to use "BACON" instead of "Jedi"?
  • The limitations of the use of BACON are only limited to your imagination.
  • What if we painted BACON green so that vegetarians would eat it and realize their great mistake? Of course this could mean there would be less vegetarians. Then Uncyclopedia won't have anyone to make fun of anymore. Ok, let's just keep the BACON to ourselves. MORE FOR US!!
  • If pigs really COULD fly (God forbid), we would have less BACON.
  • If money is the root of all evils, maybe we should make BACON the root of all things good. (excluding heart atacks and kidney failure.)
  • I love BACON. Don't you?
  • Shit, we should just kill anyone who doesn't like BACON. We solve world hunger, overpopulation and BACON shortage at the same time.
  • Don't worry, the world will never run out of BACON as long as the next president isn't a vegetarian, there is no world peace and we keep hiding all the delicious BACON from the guys in Africa.

Did You Know?[edit]

The perfect BACON sandwich?
  • British scientists, using computers and sophisticated cooking technology, have created the perfect BACON sandwich.
  • It is impossible to overdose on BACON.
  • Vegetarians are BACONists.
  • Muslims and Jews love BACON too.
  • NEVER, EVER write BACON in ALL CAPS.
  • Kevin BACON did, in fact, change his last name to BACON because he loves BACON.
  • BACON is the official food of the Universe.
  • This is the fifth link to Kevin BACON on this page.
  • This is the sixth.
  • There is an eighth link to Kevin BACON in the table at the bottom of this page.
  • Pigs are made entirely out of BACON, mostly.
  • BACON makes everything all better.
  • There is no such thing as too much BACON.
  • BACON is the only celebrity worth obsessing over.
  • That you don't love BACON nearly as much as this guy?
  • BACON!
  • BACON is more addictive than the strongest drug.
  • Mister T is always carrying some form of BACON product.
  • BACON isnt really from pigs its made from Rosie O'Donnels left buttcheek and i cant get enough.
  • Labias turn to BACON if you burn them with a bic lighter for a long enough period of time. This got many through the great BACON famine of 2007.

See also[edit]

look its just food can we leave it at that </centre>

Ba
2
He
1
L
2
Be
3
Br
4
C
5
Nu
6
O
7
F
8
Ne
9
Ci
10
Je
-1
Po


BaconBrothers.gif
   v  d  e
Bacon Products
Bacon | Bacon fat | Bacon Shrub | Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops | Pork Products | Pigs
People Named Bacon
Richard Bacon | Kevin Bacon
All things Bacon
Bacon's Rebellion | Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 | BLT