Kiddie emporium van

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“Why look kiddies, it's the happy van from the Kiddie Emporium! I bet there are puppies in the back!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Kiddie Emporium Van

“Kiddie Emporium Van, eh? That doesn't sound suspicious at all!”

~ Canadian on The Kiddie Emporium Van
The Kiddie Emporium Van on a typical day in Wisconsin. Ignore the palm trees, but do note the strange atmosperic phenomena that seems to happen only when I kidpnap children
The Kiddie Emporium Van is exactly what the name implies. It is a perfectly legal business that is run out of the back of a van in the humble town of Eau Claire, Wisconsin[1]. The van has only been known to run on weekends and during long holidays which happen to coincide with breaks from school at most colleges in Central Michigan. The van is a well known, common, and mostly welcome sight around town, as the driver is uncommonly nice to children, often giving puppies, kittens, or candy out of the back of the vehicle[2]. The Kiddie Emporium Van is a rather oddly colored Volkswagen Type 2, better known as a "Hippie" van or mini-bus. It features the words "Kiddie Emporium" crudely spray-painted (so crudely, in fact, that it looks rather suspect)[3] upon either side of the van (hence the van's name).

Origins of the Emporium[edit]

Davi, before he became the Emporium

The Kiddie Emporium Van was originally just an average Volkswagen Type 2, manufactured and sold in the great nation of Brazil. In the beginning, he enjoyed a great life of transporting hundreds of poor, often sweaty Brazilian men[4] to and from work daily. After several years of this, Davi the Van became bored travelling the same route every day (not to mention the obvious wear and tear on his interior). Thus he quit his crappy job carrying smelly poor people and went out on his own.

Davi the Van worked as a barista in a coffee shop in one of the country's many favelas in order to earn enough money for a plane ticket to America. Shortly after getting the job at the shop, one stupid tourist who had gone to more commercial coffee shops too often ordered a large macchiato. Of course any real barista knows that a macchiato can only come in one size, 1 oz. It's just a shot of espresso with a spoon or two of foamed milk! Being a proper hippie he threw up and passed out from taking to many "breaks" out back. Upon waking, Davi the Van was still lying on the floor of the shop. Except there was blood. Lot's of it, too. And several of the best cups of coffee Davi had ever made. Davi soon came to the realization that after having a really bad trip on LSD, he had killed both his boss, and the rediculous customer who ordered a large macchiato by putting them simultaneously in the industrial coffee grinder after setting the dial to murder. Davi knew he needed to get the hell out of there, so he stole all the money in the cash register and closed up early. Davi immediately drove himself to the airport and bought a ticket for the first flight to America.

Upon landing in Miami, Davi got a cheap hotel room on the bad end of town. That evening, while getting ice out of the machine down the hall, Davi met a man in a tacky suit who was also getting ice. The man immediately recognized Davi as the van that Jimi Hendrix rode in on his way to Woodstock. Davi decided to roll with it.

Davi On the Run[edit]

After living the high life for nearly twelve years, Davi, by this time living as David and going by Little Wheels Dave (for his four tiny wheels), was discovered by the United States Department of Homeland Security as being an illegal immigrant wanted for two murders in Brazil. This prompted Davi to go on the run from the Feds.

Davi immediately went to the nearest paint and body shop to get himself unrecognizable-ized. He had a mosaic painted on his body, and tie-dye curtains hung in the windows to disguise himself from any suspecting Feds.

Davi Becomes the Emporium[edit]

Davi got on the road and drove. And drove. And drove. Then he stopped. Then he drove some more. And drove. And soon he saw a sign from the Gods (or Divine Pasta if you like that better) that read "Welcome to Eau Claire, Wisconsin". Davi pulled over, realizing this was a nice place to stop. After several hours of sleep, Davi began driving around Eau Claire looking for a friend. After nearly two hours of looking (nobody was outside because it was December and effin' cold) Davi found a lone person lurking in some bushes across the road from Meadowview Elementary School. Davi drove up close and honked his horn loudly. The man screamed and jumped out of the bushes and into a thick snowbank. The man wasn't upset though, as he realized it was only a sentient car that scared him. The man immediately introduced himself as Cren5063. Apparently Cren5063 was on break from college, and had hitchhiked over to Wisconsin to talk to gullible children. Together they went to a local diner for a warm cocoa. Apparently neither of them would drink coffee as they had both had a similar bad experience while working as a cashier. Thus began a long and dear friendship between Davi the Van and Cren5063.

Spring came soon enough and after hibernating through the winter, Davi awoke to find Cren5063 holding several bottles of spraypaint, a kitten, and huffing bowl. After getting sufficiently stoned euphoric on the kitten, which was now dead, Cren5063 re-Christend Davi as the Kiddie Emporium Van with his crappy spray-paint. While high happy, the pair cooked up a brilliant plan, as well as some chile becuase huffing kittens gave them the munchies, that Cren5063 would drive The Emporium on weekends and holidays giving out puppies and kittens as a way of giving back to the local children.

The Kiddie Emporium Van[edit]

Stats and Specs[edit]

Vehicle Maker: Volkswagen
Vehicle Model: Type 2
Transmission: Modified 4 speed Manual
Vehicle Weight: Depends on how many kids are trapped inside.
Special Modifications:
Soundproof interior
Large blood stain covered by a tacky rug
Tie-Dye curtains


  1. It's not so much of a business if the products are free, right?
  2. Being nice to children helps create trust
  3. So suspect, in fact, that it was likely done on Windows Paint
  4. Gross, right

See Also[edit]