Killer whale

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“What a killer Lube Tube!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Willy and his tube

Origins[edit]

Killer whales (okra) are supposed to originate from the Atlantic ocean, but this is not where they originally come from. Some scientists have been led to believe that they have originated from the Indian ocean, but neither of these statements amount to anything more than bologna. Whales are psychic moon-creatures who can fly with the power of their minds.

Killer Whales (Guuten Fluugerrn)[edit]

They have very few emotions, but here is a simple guide on how you can tell whether or not they're in a good mood. if they are in a bad mood they will bite your hand. if they are in a good mood they will bite your head. If aroused sexually they will bite something, don't ask why, just take it all in.

Killer Whales were sometimes trained by their master Ronin (who decided his raptor army was not enough) to destroy North Koreans with an unpleasant and quickly-dated pop song, most commonly known as the "Sugar" ray. The "Sugar" ray is only found in one other place in the world besides shitty DJs' Ipods. This location is currently hidden by a secret society known as the Association of Taco Bell Consumers and Corpse Eating Zookeepers. For more information on the ATBCCEZ, hold your breath until you pass out.

Killer Whales (Orcinus okra)[edit]

Behavior[edit]

Some Killer Whales (namely Willy from the Free Willy Movies and Okra the killer whale) enjoy mass murder. If someone has died, chances are good that a killer whale is responsible. Other noted killer whale past times include genocide, rape, pillaging, bird watching, wonton and non-wanton destruction.

Killer Whale terminology[edit]

  • A group of killer whales is called a pod. A very small pod, consisting perhaps of a single family, is an i-pod. Sometimes very large agglomerations of killer whales gather, often in the waters off of Seattle. Such great comings-together are characterized by ill-conceived, rambling whale songs and are referred to as a "Whalapodlooza" or sometimes "Burning Whale." Also of note are roving groups of frat-boy, wannabee orcas known as "pseudo pods."
  • Chum is a killer whale word that generally means "living things that are not killer whales that are in the water with us." See also What were you thinking?
  • Killer whales prefer to be referred to as killer whales by outsiders. In formal or academic situations, the term Orcinus Orca-American is often substituted. Orca is best left to killer whales themselves. Among their own, the "o-word" is a term of endearment and an affirmation of one's belonging in the community. This can be seen in the lyrics of a whale-song recorded on the west side of Lake Huron:
We in the current with a .40 and fish roll
Ready for the blow hole
Heavy drinkin', we ain't got good sense
My pod so tense, orcas so dense
I see through the life you invent
Slow up on how you orcas vent
You orcas ain't representin' shit
I represent School Seal Killers
Detroit orca, my orca, what?
  • On a final note of nomenclature, killer whales are not technically whales at all, but extremely large, muscular dolphins. It may be left to the reader whether referring to a really just enormous killing machine the size of a pt-boat as "just a big dolphin" is truly wise, especially if said killing machine is hungry and within earshot.

Family Life[edit]

  • Killer whales marry only within their own immediate social group. You may insert your own trailer-park-themed joke here: __________________________________________________ .
  • Killer whale families traditionally consist of two parents and two children. In recent times this "nuclear family" pattern has become fragmented and rare. This has resulted in considerably reduced tensions over the potential for a hot war between killer whales and sea lions, as well as the publication of such texts as Namu Has Two Mommies.
  • At the age of just 4 a young Killer Whale has to kill and eat its own mother in order to gain the title "killer" in front of "whale", Otherwise it has to go by the name of "Pussy Whale".

Intra-killer-whale Racism[edit]

Killer whales come in three distinct varieties, or "races." Though of the same species, they do not intermarry, they speak different dialects and they rarely sit at the same table in the cafeteria.

  • Residents are the only whales that build houses, tend lawns and form social clubs for the purpose of excluding the other killer whales. This makes the residents feel powerful and better than the other killer whales. Other killer whales are often jealous of residents, and themselves believe that they are not as good as residents. This attitude will be changed when the revolution comes, and the residents are the first whales with their dorsal fins against the wall.
  • Transients roam the coasts in gangs, and are ruthless and cruel in their feeding habits. They eat mostly marine mammals, and have been known to throw them into the air or break them in half with powerful blows of the fin before consuming there pathetic, bloody, and horribly deformed mammal remains. This radical behavior is largely thought to be adopted from the barbaric actions of semi-mentally unstable European football fans or supposedly 'civil' rugby fans -- take your pick. It is thought that this may largely be responsible for the name "killer whale" as well as most incidents of whale-on-whale violence. Yeah, them transients is some bad orcas, yo.
  • Offshores swim the deep oceans and feed mostly on fish. They tend to be smaller, but more heavily scarred than other killer whales. Their pods are larger than others, consisting of up to sixty individuals. Many marine biologists believe that they feed on sharks in the open ocean waters. That's right, you heard me, sharks. Marine biologists also believe that transients better just shut the hell up about their seal-killing badness when these hard-core, shark-eating motherfuckers swim by.
  • There are newly discovered Antarctica type whales termed A, B, and C

A=eat Artichokes B=Brainy c=eats Corn


One can see by these descriptions that racial divisions between killer whales cannot be reduced to simple black and white.

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