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“God dammit! (series of unintelligible grunts and groans) Nuke 'em! NUKE 'EM! ”

~ Dick Cheney on Kim Jong-Il

“I think we need to change... The changes... we are planning to change. To do this we must change, change, change.”

~ Obama on Kim Jong-Il

“If you are not so good in the bed, well, you'll try to get even in another way.”

~ Obama on Kim Jong-Il's missiles

“...”

~ Gordan Freeman on Kim Jong-Il

“Sure you can launch your nukes, then I'll launch my foot in your ass”

~ Red Foreman on Kim Jong-Ill

“Assholes just want to shit all over everything...”

~ Random guy in pub on Kim Jong-Il

“who's that squat little old fart? hahaha!”

~ LOLWuT? on Kim Jong-Il

“'E's jus' uh...uh....uh...a knuckle head, a knuckow head I tell yo'.”

~ Charles Barkley on Kim Jong Il

“Sorry to hear you're Ill.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kim Jong

“Don't I look sexy? Hell Yeah.. Kim Jong-Il”

~ Himself

“Bastard ate my Corgi!”

~ Queen Elizabeth II on Kim Jong Il

“What a nice guy. I'd love to buy him a beer.”

~ Adolf Hitler's reanimated corpse on Kim Jong Il

“Hey... have some nukes.”

~ George W. Bush on Kim Jong Ill

“Oh Herro!”

~ Kim Jong Il

Kim "the Kid" Jong "Gong" Very Ill (or King Kong Phil, as he is called in America) is a North Korean dictator, most notable for being constantly and very seriously ill. It is for this reason that nothing much is known about him.

Kim Jong Il is also the greatest golfer ever! Did you know that in his first golf game he ever played, he got 3 holes in one on every hole? It's true, he also wrote seven operas in a year. He also participated in the world's largest gangbang and invented the theory of relativity(E=mcIllin). Il is also widely credited for his discovery of masturbation while he was in Kindergarten, most likely stemming from his boredom in class. When his teacher asked what he was doing, he came all over his homework and stuck it to the wall, establishing his sexual dominance early on.

He is a master of the art of Pony Care, and has 13 ponies: Snowball, Snowflake, Snowman, Flakeball, Ballflake, Snowball, Ann Coulter, Sexuality, Can't think of any more names, Wet Dog, Charisma and Kim Ill-Sung. He loves every one of his ponies like his father, Supreme Leader (And Celebrity Chef) Kim Ill-Sung. He aspires to be like Lord of the Rings Smeagle, and reads only books written by attractive women from countries he hasn't heard of. Kim Jong-il also got his penis sewn on and he relies on anal sex to replenish his health.

[edit] World records

[edit] Kim Jong-Ill's records

Note the great leader's white teeth, and weird chunk missing from hair.

Kim Jong-Ill holds a great number of records in North Korea, and worldwide.

• Jong-Ill is the current world champion at playing guitar, along with every other instrument.
• Jong-Ill got the world record in basketball playing, and he is undoubtedly one of the best athletes in any sports.
• Jong-Ill has the greatest drum set in the world in his basement, with the most drums and cymbals in the world.
• Jong-Ill has the largest pornography collection in North Korea, and worldwide has the largest collection of any politician in recent memory second only to former U.S. President Bill Clinton.
• Jong-Ill has the highest recorded score on Guitar Hero in the world (He got 800% on "Through the Fire and Flames").
• Jong-Ill won a professional dog meat eating challenge at 5 years old.
• Jong-Ill has won the world championship in cooking the last 10 years with his dog meat specialities, like the "Hot Dog" and the "Junkyard Soup".
• Jong-Ill is world class DJ. His DJ name is DJ Ill K-man
• Jong-Ill can has cheezburger
• Jong-Ill conquerd the internets
• Jong-Ill IS the guitar god. he once played stairway to heaven and hotel california with both hands tied behind his back while asleep.
• Jong-Ill Was the first man to enjoy Ketchup-Mushroom Ice-cream.
• Jong-Ill Won the first (and only) award for Best Supreme Leader of North Korea
• Jong-Ill Owns the Only "I♥NK" T-Shirt
• Jong-Ill is the first Spanish flu, SARS, avian flu and H1N1 patient. And he is very Ill.
• Jong-Ill won the award for most popular man in the universe.
• Jong-Ill is the first person to successfully recreate every satellite picture of Pyongyang on Google Earth on the Interweb.

[edit] North Koreas great records worldwide

• In Pyongyang they got the greatest shopping mall in the world with the most stores in the world.
• In North Korea they got the most soap in the world.
• North Korea currently has the most barber shops in the world.
• The North Korean soccer team got the most players in the world.
• In North Korea they have the best air in the world.
• North Korea has the greatest dental care in the world as shown the picture to the right.
• North Korea has the Wettest Dogs and Hard-Corest Pornographies ever publicly displayed in a government funded national museum. (See Kim Ping-Pong Il National Porn Museumfor more)

[edit] Alternate Identities

It has often been suggested that Kim Jong-Ill is one or more of the following people: Big Brother, Shaquille O'Neal, Fred Savage, Osama Bin Laden, Dick Cheney, Cheney's dick, Luigi, and/or Chris Brown, but he's really all of them.

[edit] Chairman of the MCs

During the 90s, Kim Jong-Ill took the rap world by storm with vicious flows and Cult of Personality. At first using the name "Lil' Kim", due to his short stature and genital size, Kim allowed Brooklyn-born rapper Kimberly Jones to use the moniker, stating "Kim don' nee' tha' bitch shit, yo!", using the initials "KJI" instead. Indeed, though his personality was seen as the epitome of hip-hop self-aggrandizement, it also earned the ire of a lot of inferior rappers. MC Hammer was the first to fall to Kim Jong-Ill in a freestyle battle when the belt holding Hammer's pants up burst due to the intense pressure of Kim's fast and forceful rhymes. Kim also rapped with Tupac, but when Tupac became too popular, it is believed he was raped with a zucchini by North Korea's state secret police, or possibly by a deranged Roy Rogers.

The Illmatic has recently opened a branch of his liquor stores across the US. Gangs have been reported in the vicinity.

Afterwards, KJI made a name for himself publicly humiliating other MCs during his live shows (he does not believe in recording songs), drawing tears from NaS, Grandmaster Flash, Dougie Howser, and the Pope. Finally, when he insulted Eminem, it was believed that he had gone too far. However, even Slim Shady couldn't stand up to The Kim for long, and it remains the only feud that Marshall Mathers III has ever given up on. In the meantime, Kim's popularity rose as it became abundantly clear that as much as growing up in the inner city in America is rough, it's ten times as rough growing up in North Korea. The US is big scary thing that must be eliminated to him, but he has a habit of carrying some caucasians into the snooze with him. He once rapped, "Other niggas is just fakin'/They rap about eatin' pussies, but I'm the only one to actually bake 'em." "Huh nigga wat y'all gotta say now, you dun eat pussies."

[edit] Current pursuits

These days, The Illmatic is the 'dear leader' of North Korea, ever since his pimpd diddy, Kim Il Sung, died in 1994. He also runs his own record label, (as N. Korea has not yet invented the CD) which churns out all the best in North Korean rap music. He remains the only major music celebrity who argues that copying MP3 files over the Internet should be government-funded everywhere (it is in North Korea) because music is "something fo' all dem comrades around the world to share, a'ight." He also owns the Al Qaeda theme park in Paris, where he frequently holds benefit concerts. According to American TV news anchor David Letterman, the park is managed by Kim's brother, Menta Li-Ill.

His proteges in the Australia include Daewoo motor corporation, a company known for its sub-standard levels of quality and safety. Being a keen propagandist, Kim Jong Ill recruited General Motors Holden (Australian Subsidiary of GM) employees to place holden badges on a range of Daewoo models to win public approval and brand loyalty.

His proteges in the United States include the Ill Posse, a hip-hop collective with over thirty members that talk about how real it is living on the streets, and how cool it would be to overthrow the government and establish a Socialist utopia.

Ryugyong Cthulhu Temple

His interests in occultism lead him into building a temple for Cthulhu, badly disguised as Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang.

The Kimster also recently had a starring role he attained in the famous flick 'Team Korea: World Niece' which netted a total 441 jillion ping-pongs (the N. Korean monetary unit) at the box office, an equivalent of 17 million U.S. dollars, an equivalent of 0.1615 British pennies, an equivalent of approx. 1221 trillion zimbabwean dollars. Letterman, who makes the Kim beat something of a specialty, also reports that Kim has recently married, his new bride being Fran Drescher.

In the recent times, Kim Jong Ill/Il/II/2nd decided to expand his influence and business even further by starting a chain of his liquor stores in the US. There have been rumors of gang wars near the stores, but the their true cause is still unknown. Speculations say that gangs want to pledge their loyalty to the Illmatic the Great by trying to gain domination in the area. George W. Bush said he would declare war on Illmatic stores if the violence doesn't cease immediately. What will exactly happen is unknown, but it is said in various circles that Chuck Norris may intervene. In the case of a Chuck Norris shortage, a ICBM containing MIRMOABs has been prepared.

Kim Jong the 3rd has denied all connections to the outbreaks of violence.

He is presently in negotiations to participate in an Ann Coulter bukkake video.

At night, he dresses up in hideously crap drag, and goes skanky in Pyongyang transvestite bars. He can often be seen lipsynching in a silky orange transparent negligee poledancing to "I Don't Know What to Do With Myself." In order to butch up his image, the Massed Peoples Choirs of Pyongyang have recorded a new song, entitled "How Rugged and Masculine is Our Fearless President Kim Jong Il"

Lyrics: Kim Jong-Il is masculine and butch He never wears high heels His corset is only for medical purposes and he never utters girly squeals!

He never hangs around in skanky transvestite bars! Nor has he ever poledanced wearing suspenders and a bra! He's our Great Patriotic Leader and that's okay!

[edit] Prophecized death

According to time traveling transvestite Jackie Kennedy, Jong will be killed by a flying testicle launched from George W. Bush himself in 2010. After further analysis Jackie acknowledged this might not happen, as the victim of this event could in fact be a body double (probably the American comedian Bobby Lee).

Kim Jong Ill and father, Kim Il Sung. *in disneyland* Child - Dad! Dad! What's that? Father - It is Mickey Mouse, my son.

To ensure that public panic and confusion won't ensue from the prophecy, The Jong has benevolently sponsored a social program of wide-spread hunger, torture and misery throughout his hood.

Kim Jong-Ill making a speech about the time Ronald Reagan built him a golden toilet out of used napkins.

Kim Jong-Ill's hair to celebrate entering the Nuclear Club. Don King's fashion agency provided design consulting.

This is, of course, a complete falsehood. It is proven to be that the number of Kim Jongs at any one time can be only less then 12, as long as one of them is that Asian guy on MADtv.

We also hope Kim Jong-Ill gets hit by a missile from the Death Star made by Darth Vader in 2013.

YA RRY!

[edit] Death

Kim Jong-Ill was assassinated on 9/26/09 by a hired Chinese civilian assassin with a high powered sniper rifle.

[edit] Quantum prove of total number of Kim Jong namespaces

Kim Jong Ill is written as Kim Jong III
If the son of Kim Jong III is named after Kim Jong III he'd be Kim Jong IIIII
This, of course, is silly. It should be written as Kim Jong V
Now Kim Jong V has a son and names him Kim Jong V II
We write this as Kim Jong V times 2 making it Kim Jong X
If Kim Jong X gets pregnant and has a boy or girl (doesn't really matter at this point)
this Kim Jong would get the postfix X II (pronounced K'SI).
X meaning 10 and II still meaning 2 comes down to 10 + 1 = 11, 11 + I = 11I. see!
Therefore with this Kim Jong 11I (or Kim Jong III (or Kim Jong Ill))
All permutations within the Kim Jong namespace are covered.

If any Kim Jong V would ever get get triplets all of reality would collapse into one quantum singularity due to the instability cause by the sudden change of the constant Omega that is directly linked to universally fixed variables like the maximum number of Kim Jongs that exist.

[edit] The Old School

Oh...and I forgot to mention The Old School. You see, the Old School is this wacky Montessouri elementary and middle school in the capitalist, fascist, imperialist USA where four kids, whose names are Glitterclux, Subway24, David Andersen and Bakugan, are obsessed with Kim Jong III. The Old School plans to eventually invite Kim Jong III to visit it.