King James Version

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You have holy messages

“I loved so much the world, that I gave this only Authorized Scriptures Version, so that whosoever believeth in It shall not perish, but speaketh Olde Englisc”

~ God on KJV

“Findest thou that not cool, my brethern?”

~ Oscar Wilde on KJV

“Thee findest that cool, hey”

~ Rasta Undead on KJV

Beholdest, thou, here cometh the King James Version article.

The King James Bible is a translation of the most Holie Scriptures (which shall be the sole basis of thy faith, if thou art not a damnedable Papist), and thou shalt respect it above all things. That is why I, King James of England and Scotland decide to write that Article, for, lo, I desire thee not to suffer the gnashing of teeth because of thy sundy heresies.

As of most bibles, the King James Bible is available from thy local christian bookstore and thou shalt pay for it with cash or thy credit card, not steal it.


In the beginning Mario and Lugi created the Havens and the earth. The Sea had no form and was without void. The sea god Lukaria gave it form. Pikachu said let there be light and there was light.

The history of this Most Holy Bible starteth in 1601 BC. At these olden times the Infamous Dogs had not yet crucified Our LORD, who had yet to walk amongst us. Olde texts were being written, but lo! our good English people could read it yet not, for it neither existed nor spoke Englisc.

"Exactly 3202 years after these events, I, King James, the first of England and sixth of Scotland, Defender of the Faith, and Renowned Christian Prince, hath decided that the time was nigh to get rid the Realme of those filthy Papists by either smiting them (with our beloved 500 ft. Jesus) or strike their Bible with a new release, which would , behold ! outdate their olde version.

Beist that not enough however for all mine enemies must lie in ruin and be represented. Ye the heathens who would wrest my divine right from the so called papists only to divide it among the common rabble and filth of the street. Be it so that by the power of divine right vested in me by ManBearPig I determine that at last the Words which God hath striven to put forth to a hundreed generations of imbicels shall in fact be now stated. So let it be written - So let it be done." King James Royal decree

It is by this decree and the divine right of the King that we in fact know this translation is Sacred. In the same way that genocide and blood offerings were rightous until Jesus fixed it, a king ruled by the will of God until the founding fathers fixed it.


In the blessed days of the Third Millenary of our Lord, the King James Bible is in use in all civilized nations. Divers spiritual references like Jack Chick, the well-known serial killer and kitten huffler, and my most loyal subject, the Reverend and Righte Honourable Doctor, Ian R. K Paisley, MP, MLA, Ph.D. recommendeth its sole use (after having spiritually raped a teenager, Chick hath declared : "Samantha, thou needest a Bible to read every day... a King James Bible. 'Tis the only Bible Satan hath messed with not. source).


Obviously, the most holy King James Bible is the sole valid Bible for any Christian who respecteth Sola Scriptura. Indeed, in Greek texts, persons like Billy Graham or Jack Chick can get not decent propaganda. In addition, our good England is rainy. Therefore shalt thou admit that only the King James Version of the Sacred Scriptures is valid. If thou doth not, thou art anathema.

Other Corrupt Versions Which thou Ought Avoidest[edit]

Therefore, harkenest thou not undo the sundry corrupt versions of the sacred scriptures, for they be the work of divers Papists, hereticks, and other infidels. Above all, readest thou not the Geneva Bible, for it be the work of Puritan Radicals who would overthrow both King and Bishop, and, in My Royal Judgement be the worst bible in the English tounge. Yea, the error of its Puritanical margin-notes exceedeth even the Popish Rheims-Douay Version. Yea, even the 17th century version which followeth the Latin Vulgate so slavishly that it ought even be reckoned as English, equaleth not the Geneva bible in its error.