UnScripts:King Lear
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An autobiographal novel by an early Anglo-Saxon king.
“King Lear is by far the worst play”
“King Lear? KING SHITE!”
~ Tony Adams on King Lear
Contents |
[edit] Plot Summary:
Act One, Scene One
Gloucester: I wonder who Lear will give his kingdom to. By the way this is my stupid bastard son.
Kent: Sweet.
Lear enters.
Lear: I am going to split my kingdom in three so I can live more easily.
Goneril: I love you a lot.
Regan: I love you more.
Cordelia: I cannot say how much I love you.
Lear: Fuck off then.
Kent: Chill out Lear, you knob.
Lear: You can fuck off aswell then.
Burgundy: I don't want Cordelia because I get no money.
France: I can see above that. I will take Cordelia because I am well virtuous.
Exit all but Goneril and Regan
Goneril: Lear is weak.
Regan: Let's fuck him over.
Act One, Scene Two
Edmund: I hate being illegitimate. I will trick my dad to kill my brother.
Enter Gloucester
Gloucester: I believe what you say because I am stupid. I will kill Edgar.
Exit Gloucester
Enter Edgar
Edmund: Dad is trying to kill you, run away!
Edgar: Okay.
Act One, Scene Three
Goneril: Oswald, piss off Lear.
Oswald: Okay.
Act One, Scene Four
Kent: I will disguise myself.
Enter Lear
Kent: Lear I want to serve you. (trips Oswald)
Fool: Lear, you are a chump.
Goneril: Fuck you, you can't have so many knights.
Lear: Fine then, I'm off to Regan's.
Act One, Scene Five
Fool : Lear, you're a bit of a dick.
Act Two, Scene One
Edmund: Run Edgar. (cuts himself)
Gloucester: I believe you Edmund. (aside) I am a chump.
Edmund: I will serve you Goneril and Regan.
Act Two, Scene Two
Kent: Oswald, you are a massive cunt. (beats him)
Kent is put in stocks.
Act Two, Scene Three
Edgar: I will disguise myself.
Act Two, Scene Four
Lear: I am angry. No I am not. Yes I am. I am very angry with you Regan.
Regan and Goneril (together): Fuck you, now you can't have any knights.
Act Three, Scene One
Kent: Lear is in the storm. Shit.
Act Three, Scene Two
Lear: Damn you rain!! Oh, woe is me.
Fool: It's raining. Let's go dogging in this cottage.
Act Three, Scene Three
Edmund: Ha! (boos and hisses from audience) Gloucester is falling for my trick.
Act Three, Scene Four
Lear: Oh, my daughters are bitches.
Edgar: Poor Tom's a cold.
Act Three, Scene Five
Cornwall: Come on Edmund, let's fuck over the establishment, anarchy in the UK!
Act Three, Scene Six
Edgar: Poor Tom's still a cold.
Lear: That bloody stool has run away!
Act Three, Scene Seven
Regan: Pluck out his eyes (eye is plucked)
Servant One: What the fuck are you doing? Oh, I am slain! (Gloucester's other eye plucked)
Gloucester: I am betrayed by Edmund. Fuck this shit. I'm off to Dover.
Act Four, Scene One
Edgar: I will lead you to Dover.
Act Four, Scene Two
Goneril: I want you Edmund.
Albany: You are an archbitch.
Messanger: Cornwall is dead.
Albany: Awesome.
Act Four, Scene Three
Kent: Isn't Cordelia great?
Gentleman: Yeah
Act Four, Scene Four
Cordelia : Let's join the French and invade England
Doctor : Might not be a good idea Cordelia...you might end up being killed.
Cordelia : Quiet you
Act Four, Scene Five [Somewhere that's not Dover]
Edgar: Here's Dover.
Gloucester: I'll jump. (falls over weakly)
Edgar: Wow you survived, let's go.
Lear: I have gone mad. [Talks to invisible mouse]
Act Four, Scene Six
Edgar: Fuck you Oswald. (kills him)
Act Four, Scene Seven
Cordelia: Oh, my dad.
Lear: Let's live together forever.
Act Five, Scene One
Regan: I want to fuck you Edmund.
Act Five, Scene Two
Edgar: Stay here while I fight.
[The French lose. What a surprise.]
Act Five, Scene Three
Lear:We've been arrested. Huzzah! (Lear and Cordelia arrested)
Edmund: Kill them. Quietly.
Captain: Mkay.
Goneril and Regan (together): I want Edmund.
Edgar: Fuck you, Edmund.
They fight. Edmund dies.
Edmund: Shit.
Gentleman: Goneril and Regan are dead. What a shame!
Lear: Fuck, Cordelia is dead. I am dead. (dies)
Kent: I had better die too.
Edgar: I am still a chump.
Finis.
[edit] Random Lear Facts
Nobody has ever enjoyed King Lear.
Dr Miriam Stoppard, of Mirror fame, wrote to King Lear about his "family issues".
The part of King Lear has been played by David Hasselhoff ninety-seven times.
When King Lear asked Chuck Norris to proclaim his love and the latter refused, Lear tied Chuck Norris into a tight ball and used him to plug holes in the castle's plumbing.
King Lear supports Kidderminster Harriers.
Nick Simpson (Architect) loves King Lear.
Although Shakespeare never mentioned it, recent research has shown that Cordelia was trapped in Cornwall's love dungeon for most of the play.
James "Spree" Ausden has been trying to land the rold of Lear in King Lear throughout his acting career. To his dismay, the part of Attendant Seven has become his peak work.
Shakespeare wanted to call the play "King Kong Learwig XVIII" but his editor deemed it too high-brow.
King Lear was the originator of post-punk scala reggae.
[edit] The Porn Film
"Girls of Tobacco Road 2: Vagina Slimes"
This film, directed by Jo One, was loosely based around the original Shakespeare script.
The film begins with a foursome between Duke Leer, Gonorreahea, Penalia and Renal.
Almost all of the characters are represented, sa are all major scenes in this seven hour epic tha rivals Jo Ones previous work.
Nobody has managed to get to the final credits, but the cast list is believed to be:
(Original Shakespeare names given)
King Lear - Mandingo
Goneril - Jenna Jameson
Regan - Pamela Anderson
Cordelia - Jesse James
Edmund - Gerald Supercock
Edgar - Chasey Lain (with a strap-on)
[edit] More Quotes
Rob ~ "King Lear is a shit play"
Spree - "If you drive around a roundabout fifty times you will see a fox. It's true. I've tried it."
