King of the Jews

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A pile of modern bagels.

Bagels are the modern form of the ancient food known as Jew Bread, which God gave to the ancient Israelites. A bagel, sometimes known as W666/[email protected] is also an intelligent viral food, particularly prone to infect satanists for their choice of religion.

The First Bagels[edit]

The first bagels were plain, round loaves of bread that were usually consumed with soup or coffee. Because they were so large, dry, and generally lacking in flavour, early bagels were impossible to eat alone without dying. The Israelites hated them so much that they threw them into a river, discarding them entirely in favour of flat, dense, white crackers. Polish people came upon the thrown-out bagels, and since you can't grow shit in Poland, they took the free bagels.

Bagel Innovations[edit]

A bagel passively awaiting its next victim.

An anonymous Jew, believed by many to have been named Simon, discovered in 1933 that putting a hole in the centre of the bagel would make it more jewtastic, as he could sell less bread for the same amount of money. Simon also found that various flavourings could be added to bagels, but he considered it too much of a racial move and flavoured bagels were not introduced until his notes were rediscovered in 1939, height of the hippie era. They were met with widespread popularity and phenomenal commercial success, inspiring many Jewish grocers to begin making and selling bagels.

Threat analysis[edit]

A bagel by itself is not dangerous, as it can only infect when it is feeling at home, which would be among a group of Satanists. If this criteria is fulfilled, and a bite is taken from the viral food, the threat to the victim's health and physical well being is however considerable. The virus will immediately start the process of giving the victim, male or not, an erection in order to feature the wood necessary to have sex with a Horse of Troy. In men, the erected organ is the penis, in women, the erected organ will be the inverted vagina.

Activity[edit]

The bagel's activity in the wild is currently considered low and it will actually expire January 28 in a still unknown year.

Notable Bagel Producers[edit]

  • Brueggegeguegger's (nobody actually knows how this is spelled)
  • Einstein Bros., geniuses Albert and his less famous brother Joseph Einstein.
  • Noah

See Also[edit]