Kirk Hammett
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“I like James more than Lars and I think everbody does. I have no problems with James, but I don't really like Kirk cause he got my job. So I nailed his girlfriend before I left.”
~ Dave Mustaine on Kirk Hemmett
“The joke's on Dave... I'm gay.”
~ Kirk Hemmett on Dave Mustaine
| Kirk Hamster | |
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| Name | Kirk "WAH WAH WAH E MINOR PENTATONIC WHAMMY!" Hamster |
| Born | The third of August of the year "who gives a fuck" |
| Died | 1992 |
| Aliases | 1. Mr. I really haven't learned anything from Joe Satriani because I am so stupid and cannot grasp music theory so I only play really fast pentatonic scales so that other guitar players will think that I am such a badass and pretend that I learned that from Joe 2. Mr. Steve Vai used to make fun of me during my sessions with Joe Satriani because I play the same pentatonic scales over and over again 3. Mr. I cannot grasp the concept of scales and modes because aside from the fact that I am stupid it will require me to use of all of my fingers including my pinky and stretching it when playing and that will hurt so much because I have a low tolerance to pain 4. Mr. I can only count up to 5 that's why I only play pentatonic scales |
| Genre | Guitar that sounds like a Monkey throwing poop at the pickups. |
| Affiliations | Metallica, sometimes wishes he could be in Megadebt |
| Label | You label me, I label you, so I dub thee Fag |
| Guitars | Gay pink ESP Spider, Fag Pink Gibson Flying V |
| Years in Metallica | 1981 - very soon |
Legend has it that Kirk Hamster was sent by God to be the world's greatest drummer. Unfortunately, during a slight mix up, his amazing drumming skills were given to Gene Hoglan, and replaced by Billie Joe Armstrong's guitar playing abilities.
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[edit] The Birth of Kirk Hamster
According to legend, Kirk's birth had been revealed to a group of wise men, who preceded to go to the hospital where he was being taken care of, guided by hallucinations from the drugs they had taken shortly before his birth had been revealed. He was originally named Hans Gehrke. They brought gifts for Kirk, including a guitar, some cocaine, and some chewed up bubble gum (which was the best gift the greedy stoner wise man was willing to give him). Shortly after these gifts had been bestowed upon him, Kirk preceded to beat the third wise man over the head, as he didn't see the chewed up bubble gum as an adequate gift. Afterwards he found Jesus drunk in a dumpster and took him in as his own. In this time he taught him how to play guitar. Kirk was only 5 months old at the time and the Child Protection Agency took him away from Kirk and he fell into a deep depression and started to experiment with drugs such as ecstasy, which is when he met Joe Sati-Weiner and he taught him to masturbate.
[edit] Early Life
As a child, Kirk Hamster was very unruly, and refused to listen to his parents. At the age of 9 months, he had already received several beatings, as he insisted on beating the other children over the head with his guitar. At the age of 2, he had already mastered the Penatonic solo, which we all know that rusty cooley, mastered this before he was a embryo. and moved on to drums, which he found far more difficult, as he couldn't reach the bass pedal. After several failed attempts, he decided that he'd work on the bass guitar first, which he excelled at like every one else. At the age of 5, he had grown quite a bit (he was already 8'8”), so he decided to try the drums again, and, this time, he succeeded,infact he even played drums on the White stripes album . At the age of 10, he recorded his first solo album with nothing but the same penatonic solo, over and over , in which he played all the instruments, all at the same time. It was never released in stores, however, because the producers thought it was far too badass to release to the public, and kept it for themselves.
[edit] Teenage Life
Kirk Hamster was never very popular during his teenage life. He was often picked on during school because of his gay lisp, and feminine locks, until the eighth grade (by then, all of the bullies had mysteriously disappeared). He did, however, have a small group of friends, who decided to start a band with him. They called it “African American, LOL!” Needless to say, it didn't go over well.
Hamster would always spend his day and night playing World of Witchcraft. He got his inspiration to write the Wahhy phutter series books from the game. He got so bored with the game that he started guitar hero. He mastered the game and became the best guitar hero guitarist in his home. He started his own guitar hero band and began playing Arabian music. James Hatfield saw his abitilies to play like a child and took pity on him. He became the lead guitarist of the ripple stone band Stonnica. He started playing concerts in his high school and collected lots of tomatoes that he used to make soup for dinner. He still uses his famous guitar hero controller. He has yet to come out of the closet. He had Dave Mustaine posters on his bedroom walls and always wished can be as good as him one day.
[edit] Adult Life
Kirk was in several other bands over the years, all of which failed miserably, until, at the age of 21, Kirk received a call from James Hatfield (he hadn't yet become gay and changed it to “Jaymz”), asking him if he wanted to join his band, Metallica. Upon Joining Metallica, Kirk was told the only way to completely rip off Mustard's riffs was by completely ingesting his guitar including amp in one go. Surprisingly Kirk was able to carry out this and has been ripping off Mr Mustard for riffs he wrote ever since. Even though he ripped off, Kirk's Mustard-edit solos was more ergonomic which caused erection dysfunction and Jaymz Hatfield was now number one wanker because of this. Lightning Can Kill - Avoid Riding It At All Costs has actually been renamed to Mustard Can Kill - Avoid Riding Him At All Costs in homage to Kirks Guitar Burrito. Kirk flew out to audition, and he was instantly accepted in. During their first year or so, they finished the album, I Might Be A Cunt, But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt, and went on tour, this was handed over to Napster and sold as "I Might Want A Dick, But I Don't Want A Fucking Dick". A few years later, they finished the album, Mustard Can Kill - Avoid Riding Him At All Costs. In 1986, while touring to support the album "Pastor Of Muppets", their bassist met an unexpected end in a bus crash set up by God. When asked for an explanation, God replied, “Kirk and Cliff together was too much badass for one world to hold, one of them had to go.” Cliff was replaced by former horse breeder/Starbucks barista Jason Newkid and recording commenced on the album ...And Sputnik For Raul. This proved to be Metallica's breakthrough album, selling over 4 million copies worldwide. Disastrously, during a tour stop in Charleston,WV, a poorly-secured lighting rig fell directly onto Hamster's head. After masterful neural- and reconstructive surgery, Kirk appeared perfectly unblemished. However, CAT scans showed that the trauma had damaged the part of his brain that was responsible for remembering all scales and modes other than the Pentatonic Minor scale. This was okay, though, since new producer Bob ("Doesn't") Rock was intent on dumbing down Metallica's sound for their next album.
With slowed-down tempos, Mel Bay beginner-style guitar solos, orchestral accompaniment and the "You like Metallica" subliminal message constantly-looped on the recording, the self-titled album sold just over 7 billion copies. In fact, every man, woman and child on the planet earth has at least one copy of the record. (Incidentally, Your Mom owns 5 copies.) Hamster played on 2 more albums (the imaginitively-titled Loaf and Reloaf (More Meat Here)), which were terrible but still moved a lot of copies thanks to Elektra Records' successful "subliminal marketing" program. After the release of 2003's unholy abomination St. Wanker, the newly-animated corpse of Cliff Burton dug its way to the surface and assaulted Hamster with his own guitar. In late 2005 Kirk Hamster was charged with several cases of Infanticide. Kirk was acquitted of all charges soon after the case began. He claimed that "The babies sounded like wah pedals, I was mearly turning them off".On stage kirk Hammett is acting tough off stage crying and talking about feelings.
[edit] Near Death Experience
Kirk Hamster eventually spiraled down into a depression once he realized his mole would stop him from looking exactly like Johnny Depp. This depression became so bad he would eventually have to inject his own heart with baby unicorn blood in order to get on stage and pretend to know how to play guitar. Soon the "ponycorn" blood was not enough for him he decided to get an even greater rush by consuming copious amounts of twizzlers. Lars Ulrich was quoted saying "Anyone with a 5th grade education knows what happens when you mix baby unicorn blood and twizzlers together. You get sued for downloading songs, bitch!" But that is not what happened, instead the two concoctions broke down and created the harmful material known to laymen as cornflakes. Kirk Hamster immediately died and rose from the dead three days later after spending time with his disciples he descending into hell where he really forgot how to play guitar.
[edit] Marriage
Kirk Hamster married his fellow bandmate and long time boyfriend, James Hatfield, in the early 20th century on the Jerry Springer Show. Kirk and James have three children together, and remain active members for GLAAD and other pro-homosexual groups around the world. However, there are certified rumours of Kirk sleeping with Lars Ulrich behind Hatfield's back and this has been going on for quite some time. But then he cheated on Hatfield with Jose on his dude ranch. If you watch the movie Some Kind Of Monster, you will see Kirk with a pink shirt on his dude ranch and Jose tied up to a pole in his sexy speedo on. Of course, Lars Ulrich was always James Hatfield's bitch, so whether this is true or not it's probably not that big of a deal to Hatfield.
[edit] Death
Kirk Hamster met his end in 1992, when the spirit of their former bassist, Cliff Burton, confronted him and demanded to know why Metallica went and decided to suck so much. Kirk committed suicide in the manliest way possible (he gouged out his eyes with an ice cream scooper, and replaced them with Cadbury Cream Eggs, and headbutted the sidewalk until his head exploded). Cliff then went back up to Heaven, and refused to let Kirk in. He wandered around as a ghost for a while, until he was brought back to life by a complicated ritual performed by Dave Mustard. This ritual has been recorded in the Megadebt song Skull Beneath the Skin. When Kirk come to he asked his master why he had brought him back from the dead to which Mustard responded "I created you, so I can most definitely bring you back from the dead." Kirk has been Megadebt's mascot ever since.
[edit] After his Rebirth
After being reborn, Kirk experienced a short period of renewed badassity, during which his band made the album S&M. Shortly thereafter, his band declined again, and no one has paid attention to their new recordings since.
[edit] More on the Legend of Kirk
It has been foretold that, one day, Cliff Burton shall return from the grave and be reunited with the band. Kirk Hamster will once be able to play his solos, Jaymz will change his name back, and Lars will learn to play drums. Plus, they will regrow their long fucking hair and return to their non-commercial thrash metal music style. The new era of Metallica will bring about the destruction of all things emo, and world peace will follow soon after.
His name is Kirk not dave like he wished. Some call him madman. He doesn't know why.
[edit] The Future of Kirk
It is now official that Kirk Hamster has been working on a solo project with comedian Michael Richards (who will be handling vocal duties) called 'K-K-Kirk Hamster." The album is basically just a recording of Kirk on the toilet with Richards' shouting racial slurs to various minority groups, but the leaked single "He's a nigga!" has been very well received. They are finished recording the album, and the it will be released on eight track format two days ago. Somebody said that he'll change his last name in Whammett.
