Cat

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“Got any orange ones?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cats

“That wasn't chicken”

~ Fortune Cookie on Cats

Cat
Species	Descendants of either Kitler or Catzilla
Type	Approx. 60 WPM
Size	2 to 12in
Color	Varies
Common Names	\David's best friend, Cattalynn, Paul, Fat Face, Nermal, Peaches, Fuzzywinkins, Snuggles, Kitzie and Pussy.
Abilities	Extreme "lying around", driving, shedding rugs worth of fur, vertical refrigerator leaps (127ft max.), limited time travel, entertain humans with string or laser pointer, shred sensitive documents, stay under beds for extended periods of time (2374 years max.), cloning, hacking skills, and multiple lives.
Homeworld	Cat Nation
Origins	Multiple. ("Cat" is the birth word of "Owned".)

The Cat 'Felis Catus' (also known as the domestic Cat, house Cat or CAT! Tom or scratchy) are the creatures of legends. It's well known that Cats are 'serious business and are not to be taken lightly' ^{[citation needed]}. Aliens and monsters created the Cat Creature as companions to keep them company and not judge them.^[1] Unfortunately for said monsters and aliens, the newly created Cat Creatures were extremely clever and determined them to be less than peers. Cats immediately stole extra lives from the bonus round. After dropping the 'Creature' title Cats struck off on their own to find new diversions. Some Cats experienced devastating space radiation during the journey and became less intelligent (See: ‘Will Ferrell Retarded’). Cats (when not producing kittens) now dominate world governments or live with lonely old people to keep them company and give them something to do.

• Note: Aliens and monsters have since created Oprah Winfrey to entertain them.

Contents 1 Verification & Authentication 1.1 Cat Verification 1.2 Cat Authentication 2 Purring 2.1 Purring Related to Birds 2.2 Purring Related to Generators 2.3 Purring Related to Physics 3 Cats and ... 3.1 Cats and dOGS 3.1.1 Why Cats Are Better Than dOGS 3.2 Cat Interview Typical Response 3.3 Cats and The Force 3.4 Cats and Technology 3.4.1 Cats and Professional Hackers 3.4.2 Cats and Can-Openers 3.4.3 Cats and Antigravity 3.4.4 Cats In Human Exoskeletons 3.4.5 Cats and Teleportation 3.4.6 Cats In Time 3.5 Cats and People 3.6 Cats and Birds 3.7 Cats and Dancing 3.8 Cats and Religion 3.9 Cats and Dreams 3.10 Cats and Intelligence 3.11 Cats and Subliminal Messaging 4 Kitler 5 The ShizzleCat 6 Cat Plugs 7 Cats With Guns 7.1 Catfight 7.2 Cats and Parties 7.3 Domestinatrix Cats 7.4 KiTTeNS 7.5 UltraCationalists 8 Catastrophe 9 Cat's Bottoms 10 Kitten Huffing 10.1 Kittens Who Can't Be Huffed 10.2 Kittens Who Can Be Partially Huffed 11 Cat Super-Powers 11.1 Kitty Porn 12 See Also 13 External Links 14 Footnotes 15 Foot Note: Physics In Relation To Cats

[edit] Verification & Authentication

[edit] Cat Verification

Or Catification, is the act of informing a Cat that it is, indeed, a Cat. This is typically performed by kneeling down near a resting (and soon-to-be-perturbed) Cat, petting it and saying: "You're a kitty!" (A variation to kneeling is to pick up the Cat & stare deeply into its confused face.) Always follow up the verification declaration with other factual statements such as, "you're cuddly," "you have lots of kitty fur," or "you're my pretty kitty." Warning: NEVER startle the Cat! Always speak in a soothing or singsong voice.

Frequent Cat Verification is clinically proven to be vital to a Cat's emotional and psychological development. Without the constant reminder of its intrinsic nature the Cat may come to believe that it is a dog, roomba, velociraptor, or communist.

[edit] Cat Authentication

Or Authenti-Cation, is the act of revealing the Cat's bar code. This task is accomplished by simply rubbing lemon juice on the animal whilst it's held over the open flame of a candle. Once sufficiently warmed, a black light shown on (or near) the USB port will reveal the model and serial number.

[edit] Purring

Cats emit a deep, vibrato sound called a 'purr'. This sound is made by many types of felines. Purring is a painfully loud noise produced by a Cat as it shows pleasure, concentrates or thinks. While the sound varies in detail from Cat to Cat and from species to species (e.g., loudness, treble, wavelength, frequency, etc.), it can generally be described as a sort of tonal buzzing.

Many have debated over the exact essence of a "purring," but the sound can be most related to that of a computer connecting to the internet via a dial-up connection. Felines produce this enchanting noise simply by inflating and deflating a small sack located near the base of the tail; just above the USB slot. If a Cat purrs for four or more hours it is highly recommended you contact a doctor. Yet to be confirmed however, is the belief that purring is in fact an audible noise pollution caused by the Cat's internal areas producing radiation (known as ρ radiation) in a plot to kill their masters and take over the world. This radiation may be the cause of the phenomenon known as the lolCat effect.

Factoid: The opposite of purring is known as the 'meh-yow'.

[edit] Purring Related to Birds

Some Cats purr so strongly that their entire bodies vibrate.Sometimes when a cat purrs it is so high pitched that it can kill a man. It's known Cats chase birds, but very few people know that Cats only purr this loud after they've swallowed an entire hummingbird. The continuous audible "purring" noise heard is the avian desperately trying to escape. A guttural ripping sound can be heard indicating both the hummingbird's successful escape along with the Cat's extra life repairing the damage. After this behaviour Cats don't run out of lives, because once the penultimate life is used the Cat's teeth vanish and it is very nearly impossible for them to gum a hummingbird back into it's gullet when this happens. (When Cats loose all of their 9 lives they come back to haunt us.)

[edit] Purring Related to Generators

A Cat can, undoubtedly, be hooked up to a generator whilst purring to collect the full capacity of it's greatness. Direct use of these pussitively charged ions is prohibited in many areas as it (rarely) may cause the receiver's head to asplode unexpectedly. It is recommended a modified standard battery, or special use cattery, be used to store this energy. These devices allow a proper meowing of the line voltage to be safely obtained. This stored Cat energy gives the user a comforting pleasure nine times that of kitten huffing if used in controlled doses. Some side effects of Purre-Energy include ultimate sleeping power or an insatiable craving for catnip.

[edit] Purring Related to Physics

Purring has been cited by many scientists as a Cat's attempt to activate a "warp" which will send them back (forward?) through time, to their mothership, original dimension, or other mythical destination. However, this theory has been proved wrong by opening a can of Schrodinger's Cat food.

[edit] Cats and ...

[edit] Cats and dOGS

An interview with a typical Cat reveals that Cats commonly believe, "dOGS should be punished for invasion of the home pet territory, rightfully possessed by our feline forefathers since 10,000 BCE (Before Cat Empire)". Conversely, atypical Cats believe dOGS should be rewarded. Many Cat owners suspect that the Insane war between Cats and dOGS started because dOG owners are too stupid to litterbox train their dOGS. (Actually, it's the dOGs who are too "stupid" to learn.) Although feline shat stinks 200 times less^{[citation needed]} than canines, a dOG can't be trained to cover up its droppings in a plastic box like a Cat.^[2] (During training the dOG would most likely kick a sprinkling of Cat litter all over the kitchen in protest.) dOGS are historically considered wet and sloppy despite the fact Cats eat their shedding hair and later vomit it up. Cats are considered infinitely preferable to dOGS.

(On the rare occasion the family dOG acts like a Cat, he will immediately suffer verbal, mental, emotional and/or physical abuse at the hands of Cat owners. Sometimes these owners are flown in specifically for this purpose.)

[edit] Why Cats Are Better Than dOGS

Cats have softer hair, don't bark all night, pay their taxes, never pant, and they don't pry into your personal business (unless its got to do with <insert name here>'s dirty, dirty sex practices.) Cats (while being sometime hostile, evil little bastards) are actually thoroughly better than canines. They process thought to create solutions to Cat problems. (Though evil thoughts about destruction, Twisted Sister, masturbation, and of course, NBC Dateline, sometimes creep in.) They have an extraordinary ability to brainwash humans into doing their evil humane deeds, like making the family dOG stay outside, or watching the DaVinci Code. dOGS can do none of these things, and therefore are not as talented as Cats. (Will they one day be shunned by mankind?) Cats often chase evil spirits from the room, wheras dOGS are content to let them feed on your soul provided they receive attention from you at some (now or future) point. Some dogma focused scientists theorize this will result in the end of mankind as once the Cats have control over robots created to open cans of food Cats will be out to kill us all.

Cats have amazingly creative ideas on how to please their humans by: - adding a creative touch to sofas and curtains by shredding them - creating interesting smells by pissing in their food, drink, wardrobes, shoes, etc. - opening and closing doors continuously - by vomiting and shating in hard to find places. - hiding dead animals in the hallway and in your bed.

[edit] Cat Interview Typical Response

"Meow Mrow meow yoew meaw meow; yoew meaw row meow!"

[edit] Cats and The Force

Some Cats are known to have The Force. Cats with The Force are extremely powerful! Also known as Jedi Cats, these feline are pretty much unbeatable in conflict. Cat's force powers include making objects fly with a flick of their paw and shooting lighting from the paws/eyes. The only way to kill a Jedi Cat is to get a Sith Cat to do it for you. The more powerful Sith Cats are 99% unkillable. This makes the Cat Nation the most powerful force in the multiverse. The Cat Nation could obliterate our world with their vast armies of extremely powerful Cats at any time. The spineless fear Cat Nation cannot be stopped and will rule the world and make everything and everyone their slaves. etc. etc. etc.

[edit] Cats and Technology

Cats are slowly taking over all modern technologies as we know them; beginning with the internets and ending with vibrators, (They believe purring is defiled from the sound that vibrators make). Many humans argue against this idea. These humans are said to have been marginalized as "dOG lovers," or have delusional tendencies. Some have been silently murdered by Kitler in their sleep.

[edit] Cats and Professional Hackers

Cats are known to be excellent computer hackers, or 1337 c0m9u73r h@ck3rs, and can defeat mere mortals in hacking competitions or "Hack-Dance-Offs" primarily through the use of spam and kitty porn links. Cats have only been defeated once during the 1987 HDF in Bangladesh when Lil' Vic finished off Mittens with a well timed B-Boy move in an all out hack-off. Lil' Vic was immediately abducted and was imprisoned for 5 years, chain farming gold in WOW for Chinese entrepreneurs. (Mittens was demeowted from Kitten-Hacker to Kitten-Janitor.) (Although for Lil' Vic he attempted to escape the WOW entrepreneurs but was sadly shot on site, you can visit the Lil' Vic memorial centre in Shang Hai on the street named after him 75th Lil' Vic street.)

[edit] Cats and Can-Openers

Cats are attracted to the sound of can openers for unknown reasons.^[3] As many Cat owners know the sound of a can opener alone can cause them to rush to their side. Upon arrival Cats have been observed to:

• begin purring loudly
• stand on their hind paws
• slay the wicked
• start dancing an Irish jig
• rub the ground appendages of their server
• pick out winning lottery numbers
• meow loudly (see Cat Verification and replace "Cat" with either "Human" or the loosely translated "Cat-feeder-animal.")

Many foolish beings claim if Cats had opposable thumbs they would replace humans as the dominant species on Earth. This is very silly;

1. Cats do not need opposable thumbs to use can-openers.
2. they already have favored "domestiCated" semi-intelligent species (most with opposable thumbs) to open containers of Cat-food for them.

[edit] Cats and Antigravity

Cats have been found to have a weird gooey substance in their blood that allows them to jump-hover when not directly observed. Their ability to temporarily "nip" off gravity is how Cats obtain such large heights. Recently it has been discovered that the energy Cats obtain from catnip metabolizes over time to allow this power.

[edit] Cats In Human Exoskeletons

Since the cat anarchy act of 1974 pesky felines have been known to purchase artificial human exoskeletons which they wear in public. This is unknown to the other humans of whom the Cats mingle with stealthily. Cats and other creatures have been slowly reducing the ratio of humans to sentient beings on the planet since 1929, as the human population has only increased by 20 people in that time frame. A group of scientists working on other focuses of study accidentally found that ninety-nine of one hundred people are animals in suits of one type or another. Unfortunately, only one of the scientists was actually a human and was quickly consumed by the other covert beings to keep the results hidden... Only now has the truth come out.

[edit] Cats and Teleportation

Cats played an integral (and hitherto unmentioned) part in the development of teleportation systems on spaceships. By observing how Cats often appear directly under people's feet seemingly out of nowhere Isaac Newton worked out the biological aspects of teleportation. (Using a resonating frequency that vibrated postulated matter, Newton was often discovered by chaperons in girl's locker rooms.) It has been scientifically proven that Cats "teleport" quieter on soft surfaces such as carpet, peat moss, or corpses; however testing was inconclusive for other surfaces such as tile, water or airplane wings. With a rumored ability to make inter-dimensional time jumps Cats have been known to pop out of the air and leave rats heads on your bed. Nice.

[edit] Cats In Time

Back in the 1950s , a Cat fraternity at the infamous Feline University decided to invent a time machine, and they did; in a few hours too. After a quick discussion, the group decided to go back to the beginning of the universe to see what really happened; and who or what created them (although it is obvious it was His Noodlyness). Wackily enough, instead of the beginning of the universe they were detoured by a space-time monkey wearing an orange reflective vest and wound up at the Ruler of Time's apartment block. She demanded they tell her what a holla back girl was or she'd call the vet and get them all fixed. Deafened by the Ruler of Time's booming voice and girlish figure, the fraternity Cats lost their janglies to a scalpel.

Sexually confused, they each embarked on their own journey through time screwing up prominent figures of history, such as Charlie Chaplin, moose, Napoleon, and Jane Fonda (Oscar Wilde was already quite crackers). Luckily, they were unable to cause many manCat babies to be made and ultimately avoid the new race which may have sparked a global conflict. Other stuff also happened that ended with the creation of cellphones and the first record of "Bad Motherfucker" written on a wallet.

[edit] Cats and People

Cats are totally useless to humans (except for huffing) and should be eaten with a side dish of mashed potatoes and gravy. You may say "kittens look cute now," but they grow up to be Cats. Cats are evil Chaotic Good! You should know by now that Cats are able to brainwash people with AWEITSSOCUTEITSAKITTYKITTY brainwaves ^{[citation needed]} which can leave a human mentally unstable for weeks. Because Cats are so dangerous allowing a child under 12 to interact with a Cat may be fatal. The child will grow to morn your death. Cat interaction with hippies has been notoriously violent in the past century and is thought to be the main reason why famous environmentalist tupac (2pac) was gunned down in 1978.

It has been proven that no matter how hard we try to stop them Cats will take over the world. Their massive numbers can easily overrun us; even Jackie Chan won't be able to stop them. Arm yourself with tuna and string to save yourself from the impending Catolution.

"Oh yes.. there will be blood" ~ Jigsaw the Cat.

"... the brainwaves these Cats use will lead to inevitable dribbling and possible panic attacks. Cats use this well so take caution next time you see this evil creature" ~ James Pepper Leadbeater

[edit] Cats and Birds

Cats like birds.

[edit] Cats and Dancing

Cats are extremely good dancers. Cats have won the annual So you think you can dance competition 89 years in a row.

Cats are better than dogs, humans, and even squirrels at dancing. Cats are so great in fact, that their serious dance moves often create an infinite space rift loop through all time and reality that either does nothing or can destroy the world, the solar system, or the universe. Bummer. FEAR THE CAT DANCE!!!

A Cat put Baby in the corner.

[edit] Cats and Religion

Cats figure prominently in religion, most notably (and especially) in old timey religions such as those which have sacrifices, talking animals, and stuffs. Cats are also the reason Jesus was able to do those miracles. Yes THOSE miracles. He actually said "The 'meows' will inherit the Earth," not the meek. What the hell is wrong with you people? Believe! Believe I say! BELIEVE!!!

[edit] Cats and Dreams

It has been assumed thus far that when people dream of Cats, it is a subconscious admission to lesbianism regardless of one's sex. However, recently it has been proven that Cats (who operate on an opposing sleep schedule to humans; diurnal vs. nocturnal) have a tendency to physically enter people's heads and roll around uncontrollably as if attached to a gyroscope. A name for this phenomenon does not currently exist, but it's speculated that Cats who partake in such activities enter through the nasal passage.

[edit] Cats and Intelligence

There has been obvious proof of the intelligence of Cats observed for over 12363 millennia. Consider that they pwn people; yes, pwn! for fun and profit. No dummy could do that. You've got a dang smart fuzzy there when pwning takes place. Cats invented invention. The behavior of the modern day Cat can be examined in two phases:

1. Waking hours
2. Sleeping hours

During the waking hours the Cat seems to do nothing. Indeed this is probably what the Cat is doing. However, it is during this first phase which the most remarkable thing occurs: Cats calculate the meaning of life. During the sleeping hours the Cat seems to do nothing. Indeed this is probably what the Cat is doing. However, it is during this second phase which the most remarkable thing occurs: Cats calculate the meaning of life. It all started a few million years ago, etc. etc. etc. When Cats evolved to their modern form they were so incredibly intelligent that they became bored with life and began to despair of their depressing thoughts. Many in fact, purposely traveled through space just to have radiation permanently dumb down them and their decedents. This discovery has shed light (and fur) on many of the problems with Cats (radiation causes hair loss). Through mind-controlling physicists Cats have paradoxically not been able to solve this quality of life paradox.

[edit] Cats and Subliminal Messaging

Cats have also used subliminal messaging to influence people. This can be seen in newspaper articles, television programs and books. The prominent author 'Molly Katz' is actually a Cat hidden behind a clever pen-name. Her subliminal messages have destroyed many human relationships to further the aims of Cat worship. The next time you find a cover of one of her books in the bargain books recycle bin take a look at how authentic her Human Exoskeleton looks on the book jacket. Cats often use subliminal messaging to change the topic during conversations and written works. Cats should ALWAYS be given lots of tuna. "Cat" in Latin does not mean "beats with huge face." You should always leave the dOG outside at night. There are 47 subliminal Cat messages in this paragraph.

[edit] Kitler

Kitler (or the coolest Cat to walk the earth) is known as the most evil Cat that ever lived. He was also dubbed the orangatang slayer. He was an evil Austrian doctor and during his reign, over ten million Mews were killed in water and dog camps. Kitler has no allies for he is Kitler. He needs no allies. Fidel Catsro, Benito Pussolini and Chairman Meow all tried to befriend him and were severely over-stuffed with meow mix (while being forced to sing "I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!!!") for their troubles. He was also the cousin of JFKitty, and descendant of Julius Fleazer. Kitler Cats are an "evolution" from pokemon. ALL HAIL KITLER!

[edit] The ShizzleCat

A rare breed of Cat known as the shizzleCat (whose natural habitat is Vancouver) has evolved from an unholy combination of a calico, average youtube user, and Snoop Dogg. It can talk, but only in distorted mess of rapping and complete gibberish, Usually involving the phrases, FAIL, NOOB, and FAG. If provoked it makes a sound similar to Aunt Jemima at the beginning of her pageizzle.

[edit] Cat Plugs

It is common knowledge that most men less, forty-something women, have a huge void of loneliness in their lives. It is also common knowledge that many of these women own Cats. These women have been stocking up on pussy for decades to make a 'Cat Plug' that is used to fill up their void. In recent years the RSPCA has cracked down on the "illicit Cat plug" and have helped to pass legislation to prevent felines from being used to plug up voids of any kind.

[edit] Cats With Guns

The hostility and intellect of Cats often surfaces when they wield all variety of weaponry. Cats with guns is a real and present concern to most governmental anti-terrorist agencies. Cats are known as better gunmen (or gunCats) than humans. Although small in stature, gunCats can easily carry more than an average person. An average Cat can easily carry two bazookas, one AK-47 and three larger handguns. An above average Cat can easily carry a tank.

Cats know how to use the Gun Kata even better than Christian Bale. Historically Iraqis have paid a bunch of Cats to fight for them. Osama bin Laden's bodyguards are Cats. In fact, Osama bin Laden is a Cat. It is also widely known that some Cats have the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes. These Laser Cats Cat lasers will bubble your brain and melt the skin off your body. Cats are also good snipers as they are extremely accurate.

Recent developments during the Albastinian Cat Uprising have proven to be devastating for local wildlife. General Andrew Lloyd Webber has yet to comment on what he is planning to do with his all-Cat (GunCatta) army. Critics of his military campaign urge citizens younger than twenty years of age to carry a catnip pouch on their person (or house midget) for protection. It has yet to be confirmed from what source General Webber received the GunCattas; hundreds have been brought in, questioned, bribed, and released.

[edit] Catfight

Cats often engage in combat during play or mating. They use all manner of weponry and knowledge of martial arts. Cats that use swords are considered as "Mother Humpers", because they don't know how to use their FISTS OF FURY. If you witness a Catfight close hand you'd better run because Cats might use you as an human shield. If you cannot find the proper equipment for interacting with cats, make sure to shield yourself after acquiring the invisible, magic-like force field like materiel called glass.

Notice: This recreational pastime should not be confused with a human girl Catfight, as the martial arts employed in these are largely of Korean origin, and involve improvised weaponry and napalm; rather than acrylic nails.

[edit] Cats and Parties

When humans are asleep Cats communicate with other Cats on the internet or telegraph. Conversations include plans for gatherings, and when the humans are not at home Cats throw wild parties with loads of cool Cats in attendance. Cats often get into the human's CD or MP3 collections and turn the volume up way too loud, but the cops never do anything because Cats cannot legally be held responsible. Cats avoid alcohol but imbibe catloads of catnip.

[edit] Domestinatrix Cats

Incidentally, you should try your hardest to avoid being raped by a domestic Cat. They have barbed penises that destroy your vagina [or ass] on the way out. It just ruins you. This is why D-Cats always howl when having sex.

[edit] KiTTeNS

Although Cats around the world have been feared for their ferocity, intelligence, and awww-its-sooo-adowableness, a special top-secret international organization has been formed named KiTTeNS (Kittens are Terrible Terrorists 'N' Stuff). Created through the Postal Service and McDonalds franchises, the KiTTeNS organization outclasses Al Qaeda in terms of flare and dental plans for employees who have worked for over a year. Although most of the world's population have no clue about KiTTeNS, the terrorism group are responsible for awful disasters throughout the ages, including - but not limited to - the movie Titanic, the invention of ice cream, and Kevin Spacey's singing talent.

KiTTeNS was originally designed to be a new franchise of McDonalds, but because the total unemployed population in Mongolia had suddenly decreased, CEO of McDonalds Mongolia Incorporated - Jim - decided that if kittens were raised from birth to become hygiene technicians, this would make more people go to McD's to see Cats in uniforms. Along the way, a young SPAAAARTAAAAAAN kitty named Mittens suicide-bombed Disneyland in Europe and Florida. Although this plan failed (because nobody gives a squatting hamster about Europe), it inspired millions - possibly schmazillions - of felines to join the most powerful evil syndiCate the world has ever known: Pepsi America KiTTeNS.

After many months of procrastination and Catnaps, the terrorist kittens - or terrorCats, as they are known to the Reagan administration - collaborated with violent moose tribes around the southern Pacific and attacked Japan in 1945, effectively ending World War II (the nukes dropped by the Americans were just to seal the deal). The leader known only as Cattus the Fantastic later created a new branch of KiTTeNS: the Catsassins. Not only were these Cats highly trained, they were also extremely sassy, and made great secondary characters in theatrical productions (Cats, anyone?) and Christmas specials for TV sitcoms.

Catsassins have perfected a number of stormtrooping tactics, stealth skills, and the ability to assemble fully automatic silenced Catnip cannons to distract enemies. They have directly blackmailed all the big-daddies of history to do their own will. Remember New Coke and Coke Classic? Bam! Catsassins!

So, next time you wander the streets pondering why hobo's are so good to feed on, remember this - what would Mittens do? And if you actually are looking for a hobo to feed on, remember this; which blood type am I? The KiTTeNS know, and the KiTTeNS can help.

[edit] UltraCationalists

After the Second Crusade, the primitive (but really resourceful; like Boy George Scouts, except not gay) group KiTTeNS splintered into two factions - the Loyalist KiTTeNS and the brand-spanking new Catstabbers UltraCationalists. These UltraCationalists started out in China (Modern-day Cleveland) and eventually moved to the Middle East. They founded a really awesome citadel and a town provided daycare services. These UltraCationalists invented a new trickblade that came out of their paws, which was really useful for shaming their owners and telemarketers through phone lines. Although they had a tabby coat to be sure they looked awesome while running and climbing, they also wore a never-dirty white robe with red ribbons in around their tails, which caused them to look like bicycles to any passers-by. Occasionally, the highly experienced members would ring bells with their teeth, and click baseball cards to simulate the effect when around the city guards of Jerusakitten, Catre, and Dameow.

These highly trained UltraCationalists eventually got too far ahead of themselves, and wound up fighting the Templarps, a group of radical, done-so-many-times-it-isn't-groundbreaking-or-controversial-anymore Christian fanatics who have set up a conspiracy that goes all the way back to the invention of sliced bread (holy shit!!!!). The group lasted for another five hundred years until the Ubisoft Montreal systematically killed every non-due paying member one by one and destroyed all cellophane records of them.

[edit] Catastrophe

Catastrophe is the scientific theory that Cats are the cause of most geological and astronomical changes. In the English Language, a Catastrophe is an apostrophe with fur. The scientific field of Catastrophysics currently employs over 10,000 scientific pioneers throughout the world. Notable Catastrophysics laboratory locations throughout the world are:

• The Great Pyramids of Giza, Cairo.
• Inside the statue of Liberty's Right breast, New York.
• The Shiny Bobble thingy on the Fernsehturm, Berlin.
• The 13th Level of the Umeda Sky Building, Osaka.
• The Mysterious Writers Studio, home to "my whole gland was wet" by a Chinese boy on an old bike who scratched it into the sidewalk at 20th & J Streets, Sacramento California.
• Inside the Horse Statue outside the Royal Exhibition Building, Melbourne.
• In the left corner of all rectangular-triangle shaped buildings.
• The Tardis.
• The sub-basement of the former Twin Towers, New York.
• Wrigley Field, Chicago, Illinois

[edit] Cat's Bottoms

It is a lesser-known fact that Cat's backsides do, in fact, look like (*) towel holders. There has of course been hearty debate as to the reason for this, most notably by certain theologians who maintain that this is evidence of God existing, as He obviously simply grabbed a spare part to serve as a makeshift anus. This is disputed by those who believe He specifically bought the towel holders from something not far off a cosmic Home Depot. Cats are actually larger on the inside than the outside, which explains why the litter box is overflowing. Biscuit Nipples.

[edit] Kitten Huffing

Kitten Huffing, despite the name, is conducted on both kittens and Cats. This trend was invented by This Guy after he accidentally inhaled some of his Cats fur and received a very high feeling. when the experience was over, he realized he could start making money selling Huffing Cats on the open market.

Main article: Kitten Huffing

• Note: Huffing too many kittens may cause reduced brain crainage as witnessed here, by the author of the following sentences: 'After the massive kitten huffing spree was conducted by Barney a few years ago, he was trying to huff an orange Cat which he saved for last. After he had huffed said Cat, he had noticed that he didn't get the experience of a huff and the Cat was still alive. He tried to huff it again, then realizing that the Cat could not be huffed and he could no longer take deep breaths (which were needed for a huff). Then the legacy of the Non-Huffable Kitten began to unfold.'

[edit] Kittens Who Can't Be Huffed

Depleted kittens who can no longer be huffed become a Non-Huffable Kitten.

[edit] Kittens Who Can Be Partially Huffed

Apparently there are some quasi-huffable kittens who can be huffed (partially).

[edit] Cat Super-Powers

Cats have the following stuffs about them:

• Human injuries from Cat bite and scratch wounds almost always become infected due to store bought toxins in saliva and claws.
• Can fall any distance without serious harm provided they use the Force.
• Know Karate.
• Can see in the dark and know what color underpants you are wearing.
• Have tendons constructed with steel cables to give them great leverage for strength.
• Can sense their surroundings via air currents over their fur.
• Can identify any smell.
• Can identify the most valuable and vulnerable piece of furniture in the room to sharpen their claws on.
• Laser-eyes.
• Know what you're thinking.
• Can sneak up on you like a ninja and kick your ass.
• Provide monorail services.
• Hypnotize you with their eyes and purr.
• Can shoot a monkey a billion trillion kazillion quadralaxozillion Brazillion miles away with a pistol.
• Encourage coveting of one's neighbor's wife.

[edit] Kitty Porn

Not to be confused with kiddy porn (no link available), is what Cats get off on in their spare time. Kitty porn is widely to believed to be the second least looked at kind of porn and illegal in the 76 states of America and most of the undeveloped world. It is however hyper-legal in New Zealand, but frowned upon by the locals who firmly uphold the traditional viewership of sheepshagging, or colloquially, ramrooting. Kitty porn is usually photos of two or more cats in a clothing optional salon showing off their bodies. *FAP* *FAP* and *FAP* is generally una*FAP*pealing to most viewers. *FAP*

[edit] See Also

Catwoman Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats Eye Lasers Feral Cat Cats are not your friends Cat Girls Dog Kitty King Roller Cat Percy 101 uses for a dead Cat Cats with guns Abbayuubie Cats Fernando Burtoni Ceiling Cat

• LOLCats
• Tiddles
• Buttered-Cat Engine
• Kitler
• Long Cat
• Cats Don't Dance
• The Cheshire Cat
• Bonsai Kitten
• CATS
• The Cat in the Hat
• Catspace
• Cat's Meow
• Kitty Hawk
• Pussy
• The PussyCat Dolls
• Cat-Toast Device
• Human vs. Kitten War

[edit] External Links

• One of the many joys of Cat ownership
• CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com
• Parachuting and sky diving for Cats
• How to love your pet Cat. (Secure link)
• How to love your pet Cat. (Standard link)
• LOL Cats!
• Cat public domain images
• A Viable source of informations regarding cats.

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ This ENTIRE article is full of conflicting information because of time travel temporal paradoxs. Contradictions about Cat origins, abilities or movement through space and time contained in this article should be taken at face value as ALL OF THEM ARE TRUE! Please enjoy your life free of change before a time traveling cyborg erases you from existence. Thank you.
2. ↑ dOGS lack the necessary attitude to litterbox train.
3. ↑ For reasons unknown: Cats are attracted to the harmonizing vocal range various can openers emit because this sound reminds Cats of their mother's purring while they were in the womb.

v • d • e

Territory War Online Players from the World

Ex-Players:	Kim Possible - Sailor Moon - Nikola Šećeroski - Furby - Penguins - John McCain - Walt Disney - Jimbo Wales - Santa Claus - Professor Chaos - Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer - MC Lamchop
Beginners:	Osama bin Laden - Father Director Teddy Rydzyk - Rev Ian Paisley - Al-Qaida - Al Queda - Al-Qaeda - Al Pieda - Schnappi - Stevie Wonder - Kyle Broflovski - Ron Paul - Jesus - Satan - Jack Chick - Fred Phelps - Admiral Ackbar - Voltar - Dr. Frogg - User:DaMoleKing - Red Menace - Doomageddon
Faileds:	George Dubya Bush - Tony Blair - Fidel Castor - Emperor Palpatine - Bert - Dr. Evil - Dick Cheney - Yahoo - Jillian - Samuel L. Jackson - Karl Rove - Hugo Chávez - Kitty Cats - Napoleon I - Lo Pan - Generalisimo Severiano Javier Figueira Liste de Juncal de la Costa Trasmonte y Oroso - Saddam Hussein
Losers:	Michael Moore - Hannah Montana - Terror (country) - Sean Penn - Rosie O'Donnell - Tom Cruise - Lindsay Lohan - Giratina - Kerry Katona
Bosses:	Lenin - Joseph Stalin - CATS - Genghis Khan - Adam West - Adolf Hitler - Karl Marx - Nelson Mandela - Vodka - Adult Swim - Palkia- Black Gladiator- Black Cat Twins- Missing Link
Kings From Territory War Online:	9-Eleven - Eric Cartman - Ducks - Michael Howard-Bird Flu - Avian flu - Backstreet Boys - Bill Gates - Blofeld - International Mad Scientist Convention - James Hetfield - The Al Queda Network - Nigel - Tesco - Jihad★Mart - Wario - Terraists - Spork, Squirrels et al. - Kermit the Frog - Oprah - Dr. Nefarious - Irkens - Goldfinger - Zimmi - Invader Zim - French culture - French people - French language - Cyborg Zim - Irken Empire - Butters Stotch - Republican Zim - Bat Villains - Chairman Drek - Ronald McDonald - Stewie Griffin-Steve Ballmer - That Gay - Homsar - Skull and Bones - (The late) John O'Cahan - Skeletor - 4chan - Koopalings - Jimmy Neutron - Robot pirate ghosts - Baba the Turk - Meg Griffin - Mewtwo - Sharkboy - Mario - Bill O'Reilly - Hezbollah - Leonard Bernstein - Don Imus - Rush Limbaugh - Liberty Medical - Timmy Turner - Jack Thompson - Bubs Concession Stand - Blue Man Group - Bert Newton- Paul Bearer - Your mum - Bill Clinton - The Government - Adam Powell - PETA - Pillsbury Dough Boy - New England Patriots- Red Stripe Guy - Merfy McMerfmerfChris Chocola - Rampaging Warmongers - Zebra - Ghosts from Pacmen's Republic of Hong Kong
Ex-Kings:	Al Gore - Officer Ricky - You - Trent from Punchbowl

[edit] Foot Note: Physics In Relation To Cats

Main article: Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats

It has been universally proven that Cats always land on their feet when pushed from a 10th story balcony, and it is a widely known fact that a Cat reaches its terminal velocity (the fastest speed it can reach before it stops accelerating and moves at a constant speed) after falling a mere seven stories. A Cat might sustain minor bruises and such from a fall from this height. It actually has a reduced risk of injury if falling from a height greater than 7 stories, because it has time to orient itself feet-first and stretch out like a flying squirrel to absorb the impact better.

To test this scientific discovery, a Cat was lobbed off the roof of a 100-story building, plummeting to the ground, where it hissed up at the scientists and scurried into an alley after a mouse.

Final conclusion based on result of experiment: Cat + 100 stories=angry Cat. This result can also be expressed using the equation c + 100s = ac.

It is also widely known that buttered toast tends to land butter side down when dropped. Deranged lunatics once had a theory that if they buttered the back of a Cat with I can't believe it's not butter, and threw the Cat off a ledge, the laws of physics would battle it out, while one law is trying to land butter side down, the other law is trying to land on its paws, which would result in anti-gravity struggle in mid-air to fulfill the proper law(s). Although this theory was widely believed for a few years, it was later proven wrong when the experiment was carried out with real butter, leaving 2 of our 5 scientists blind due to the feline clawing their eyes out. They concluded that Cats don't always land butter side down, and to this day Cats landing butter side down is not one of the laws of physics.

Alternate theories suggest that buttering the back of a Cat would launch it into a perpetual horizontal spin every time it jumped. Some have even suggested that this could be the holy grail of a new energy source, the elusive perpetual motion machine. However, dissenters (from Saudi Arabia and OPEC) have argued that it would most likely result in more man made tornadoes, hurricanes and monsoons.

Cats always landing on their feet is also not one of the laws of physics. Sometimes, they fall so fast that they don't have enough time to swivel around and they land on their side like a pancake. Cats also must protect themselves, because in the wild they need to be agile, flexible, large in appearance to enemies and able to lick their anus, therefore toast lands different ways depending on how it fell, and Cats landing on their feet is an instinct, so...um...what the hell am I trying to prove?

Various other hypotheses suggesting that the Cat will still fall on its feet and then roll over exist. But no one has ever proven such ridiculous theories yet, and never plan to.

Another possibility is that if you let a Cat fall with buttered toast strapped to its back over a highly expensive carpet, it will land on its feet, destroy the carpet in anger and then roll over in order to get rid of the toast, ruining the carpet beyond all reason.

NASA has also discovered that the Catfall principle could be used as a potentially good source of anti gravity. If one's spaceship holds a sufficient Catmass then there is no need for expensive rockets. Alien cultures have long known this and have been using Catpower as their main means of atmospheric flight since 3 quadrillion B.C., although we humans are such idiots that we've never thought to use Cats for this purpose until recently. Unbeknownst to many, the eerie hum of UFOs is actually the sound of hundreds of purring tabby Cats. Cat Power, wrote about the Phenomenon, and the way it changed interstellar travel forever, in her album You Are Free.

This can be expressed using the formula (m_c + m_t + m_b) / m_s = t_s where m_c is the Cats mass, m_t is the toast's mass, m_b is the butter's mass, and t_s is the spaceship's thrust.

1. ↑ Physics in relation to Cats: F_c is used to reference Cat's feet because Cats like soccer.