Knocklyon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Knocklyon.jpg
Bouncywikilogo3.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Knocklyon.

Knocklyon (pronounced knock-lion) is a suburb of Dublin, Ireland. As a relatively new area independent of its neighbours Templeogue, Firhouse and Rathfarnham, it was not marked as a separate entity on maps until the 1980s. Its postcode is Dublin 16.

The parish of Knocklyon was established in 1974 and placed under the patronage of St. Colmcille. The church, primary school (consisting of both a junior and senior school to deal with large numbers, and one of the largest in Ireland) and community school all bear the name St. Colmcille. The dedications of the school & church come from St Colmcille's Holy Well located on the Old Court Road.

Knocklyon is cut in two by the M50 motorway with estates like Glenvara Park, Castlefield Manor and Glenlyon now linked to the rest of Knocklyon by a footbridge. Any dispute as to whether these can estates are really in Knocklyon can be dismissed by the fact that Knocklyon Castle is located next to these estates and the area carries the same Dublin 16 postcode as the rest of Knocklyon. However, most original Knocklyon people still view these areas as being akin to the black side of town one might find in an early 20th Century Southern American town.

Focal points for the local community include the local supermarket, a Superquinn, Delaneys the local public house, the church and the Iona Centre, named after the Scottish Island / Commercial Airline book and opened in 1998 by famous rocker and lead singer of Def Leppard Joe Elliott.

Knocklyon is twinned with Chester, England.

Contents

General Area

Sworn Enemies

Knocklyon have been sworn enemies of Ballyroan since shortly after the great Battle of the Postcodes in 1761. It was during this time that the main trade route was split into what is now known as the 15 and the 15B. Ballyroan has long fought for supremacy but can't deny that the 15 is by far the classier and more reliable bus service.

The opening of the Lucky Star restaurant in Orlagh Grove saw the end of Knocklyon's reliance on Ballyroan for the import of Chinese Food. This followed a large scale closing of small trade lanes, notably stemming from Templeroan and Ashton.

Knocklyon Castle

The original Knocklyon Castle dates back to the fifteenth century. It was located between the River Dodder and the mountains in an area known as the Marches, and to this day is frequently troubled by the raids and skirmishes of the Ballyroan "gangs of hoodlums". Evidence suggests that it was built by Ballyroan P.O.W.s captured during one of their attempted infiltrations of the School Discos between 1424 and 1440. The castle was built specially for defence against Ballyroan. Some say the P.O.W.s, being unable to compromise on the security or strength of to castle due to being constantly watched by "those bastards", decided instead to make it incredibly ugly. This went unnoticed by most Knocklyoners. When the castle's ugliness was pointed out by a tourist from a famously intellectual neighbouring region, the castle was swiftly abandoned by the shamed occupant.

By 1584 the castle had fallen into ruin, but was rebuilt in 1620 in preparation for the Battle of the Postcodes, which was postponed until 1761 due to a chicken pox epidemic

St. Colmcille's School Disco

Legend has it that Ballyroan regularly sent spies in, who tried to pass themselves off as Knocklyoners at the School Disco. Their mission was to befriend their rivals and marry into Knocklyon families, with a continuing mission to gather information and sabotage sporting events. It is said that is why Ballyroan always won their football matches. The legend being that the spies always joined Knocklyon United and nominated themselves to go in goal, and "accidentally" let a few in when playing Ballyroan.

Famous Residents

Its population as of 2002 is (according to the Central Statistics Office (Ireland)) 4327, a decrease of 6.5% from 1996. This decrease is thought to be due, in part, to the events of Black Wednesday. Black Wednesday occurred in November 1999 when Superquinn ran out of bread temporarily. The resultant hunger caused the Knocklyon economy to grind to a halt for almost 48 hours. The drop in earnings left few Knocklyoners able to support their existing families and as many as 17 children were sold into slavery.


Chloe Agnew and Lisa Kelly

Twink's daughter Chloe Agnew and Lisa Kelly of Celtic Woman fame are also residents of Knocklyon. Two of the group's original members, Michelle Quinn and Jennifer Ross also reside in Knocklyon but left the group in acrimonious circumstances after Agnew objected to their proposed cover version of "I'm The Leader Of The Gang (I Am!)" by Gary Glitter. Rumour has it that the two discarded singers are currently in rehearsals for their own group "Girls of the Palace".

Carlton Palmer

Another famous resident of Knocklyon was former England International and Stockport Town manager, Carlton Palmer. Carlton lived in the Beverly Estate during his brief sojourn at Roddy Collins' Dublin City team. However, Collins' move to Shamrock Rovers and Palmer's general poor performance put an end to his run with the team. Unconfirmed rumours had it that fellow player Efan Ekoku (formerly of Norwich City) also roomed with the defender.

John Sheridan

Continuing with the football related residencies, former Republic of Ireland and Sheffield Wednesday legend John 'Shezza' Sheridan was known to have lived in the area briefly and it is understood he left under mysterious circumstances. Recent anecdotal evidence suggests that former England International Carlton Palmer and Efan Ekoku would make trips to his house in the middle of the night to torment John, mostly shouting "this town ain't big enough for the both of us". After a few months of this he left the area. It is not clear why Palmer tormented Sheridan, but the most likely answer is that they had a long standing feud from a match they played in years before. These 'midnight roastings' (as they became known as) were seen as the main cause of Palmer's general poor performances for Dublin City United, and on a separate note, the reason Roddy Collins permanently lost his voice as he was repeatedly heard shouting "get fucking stuck in" at Palmer.

David Kavanagh

David Kavanagh, the renowned businessman of Ireland grew up in this area before landing a job in a local firm. He rose through the ranks and eventually became manager. David went on to invent TQM. David is also known for his work in the North of Ireland with Ian Paisley by interlocking both economies. David has met many other famous people in his productive life including Nelson Mandela, who went on to proclaim, "Kavo is a great guy."

Rick James

A lesser known famous resident of Knocklyon was 80's funk singer Rick James. Rick spent two weeks living under the M50 bridge after being kicked out of the Rutland Centre for trying to sell drugs to other recovering addicts. He was asked to leave the area by a local say no to drugs committee, after he held up a sign saying "Will do anything for drugs, bitch" to drivers on the motorway.


Local Trivia

The name Knocklyon originates from the latin knockus meaning to procreate and leo meaning lion as it was a breeding ground for these kings of the jungle for centuries until St. Patrick rid the area of them. This event is celebrated annually by the whole community on March 17th with a parade with lions in it.

There is the still unsolved legend of an aggressive creature know to many as Kemp. Its said that he preys on the souls of the weak and has a screech that could deafen most. He has a horrifying mess of curly glued hair which if seen could send oneself into a fit or coma, and quite often then most he contracts retarded illnesses, most of which cause him to sound like Batman. He is renown for his ability to be as annoying as is humanly possible and many resisdents of Knocklyon hope for the day this beast lays dead. When that day arrives it will finally be safe for all in Knockylon.

Knocklyon does not appear on any maps of Dublin published between the years of 1985 and 1994. This phenomenon remains unexplained.

Children in Knocklyon play games from 1950s America, like "hoopie-stickie" and hopscotch.

The film '28 days later' is said to be based on a virus that erupted in late spring of 2001 in Sancta Maria College. The subsequent hunting and extermination of all those who attended the school formed the basis of this film. It is said that the virus was genetically engineered by Senator Cian Hogan in an attempt to eradicate those known as 'the sluts'.

The most common flower found in Knocklyon is the daisy, Bellis perennis. Daisies with which young local girls play he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not games. They grow out of this by their teens when unfortunately games involving the consumption of alcohol while being underage come to the fore. Hence the rise of of teenage pregnancy and alcoholic dependence in the community for which alcoholic anonymous meetings have been established at the Rutland Centre.

Youths in Knocklyon were known to say "Cowabunga" long before Bart Simpson ever did. They also are known to frequent the local library and church in Ballyroan for what is known locally as "a bit of church/library action". They often took this as an opportunity to mash up some of the local residents, many of them old and weak.

Scenes from the movie Intermission were shot in the community. On seeing their houses in a movie, next to big-screen idol Colin Farrell, locals were said to be excited and predicted a boost for the local economy. They were wrong as the local economy remained stagnant. Even the planned Knocklyon International Film Festival had to be cancelled amid widespread ambivalence.

Knocklyon is now known as a harmonious and joyous place to live, however, this was not always the case. The north-south divide that once confined people to their homes has now been eradicated. It is not quite clear when a united Knocklyon was achieved but historians claim it dates back to Father Joe and his efforts during "Parish Week 1997". In particular his 'Hands Across Knocklyon' event on that late evening in June is still widely talked about. It was only a short time after this that Knocklyon lost its resident celebrity following Father Joe's appearance on Conan O'Brien.

People from Knocklyon, or Knocklyoners as they like to be known, think all buildings should be shaped like things. Hence the church looks like a dove, the scout den looks like a tent and the Rutland centre is shaped like a giant bottle of peach schnapps. The culmination of this can be seen in the "Toblerone" house on Firehouse Road.

Until last year the community games was the most anticipated event in the year. However widespread shame was brought upon the residents when Knocklyon was thrown out of five of the seven events. After continual media coverage many of the parents were forced to admit that they had indeed been keeping these young competitors on a diet of Red Bull and Fizzy Cola Bottles. Of course these foodstuffs are acceptable when taken independently, however when combined they increase sugar levels significantly and cause children to what Councillor Ross Traynor described as "act the maggot". Many felt they would have been successful in their attempts until one child ran the 'TC Mile' in 2m 40s. The time was officially recorded by Michael Glynn, the longest standing community games official and who many have tipped to be present at the next Olympic Games, carrying the torch as he progresses in his off-gold 1932 Mercedes.

Knocklyon is also famous for its astronomical phenomena, no more so than a flaming comet which can be seen over its skies approximately every six years during the summer months. This phenomenon has been coined 'fireball' by local enthusiasts Daire Traynor, Brian Quinn and John (MacDog) McDonald. These followers are known to invite neighbours into their residence to witness this extremely rare phenomenon. There have been many claims of its sighting over the years but most have proved unfounded, this is mainly due to the size of the astronomical wonder which is claimed to be no bigger than a golf ball and therefore difficult to spot and confirm its actual existence.

Knocklyon cannot be found except by those who are looking for it. Fact.

The original name for The Dublin Chamber of Commerce was The Knocklyon Manger of Bommerce.

Education

St. Colmcille's National School is located in picturesque Knocklyon. It is the largest primary school in Ireland and the third largest in Europe. It is divided into the junior school (junior infants to second class) and the senior school (third to sixth class). The school recently won the very prestigious Tidy Schools award for its surrounding grounds, which have been highly maintained by caretakers Tom and Bill Connors. The school was the centre of a scandal some years ago as principals and all round good guys, Paul Dalton and Patrick Kelly were forced to resign in mysterious circumstances. Rumours that they were fired due to forcing the students to watch excessive amounts of the movie 'Top Gun' proved unfounded.

Culture

Many Germans also see Knocklyon as their second home due to the numerous beer festivals held in the town during the calendar year, people from all over gather to sample the many beverages (known locally as lemonades) which are on offer.

Knocklyon boasts a proud cinematic heritage. However, its local film festival and its award show, the Knockers, are not without their controversy.

It is also famous for its tribute acts and at some stage of their life, 75% of Knocklyoners will perform in such a band. Its most famous tribute acts are the ones for Ladysmith Black Mambazo called Gentlemanjones White Dadbazo and the one for Afro Celt Soundsytem called Crew-cut Rangers Silence Band.

Knocklyon's community centre has been host to numerous international music acts over the years including Kenny Loggins, Pat Benatar and Midge Ure's Ultravox. These type of concerts no longer take place, mostly due to the end of the 80s.

Literature

The parish of Knocklyon publishes a monthly newsletter, imaginatively entitled, the "Knocklyon News". A mixture of local news, gossip, sports and hilarity, the Knocklyon News is the real deal. Previous contributors include author and footballer Mick McCarthy, darling of the British 'Grime' scene Dizzee Rascal and chess playing computer Deep Blue.

Theatre

Knocklyon has had a mixed experience with the theatre. The local primary school has put on a number of nativity plays, as well as playing host to some youth club drama society musical, which have enjoyed moderate success. The school's adaptation to stage of 'The Last Temptation of Christ' was less successful.

This year Knocklyon primary school hopes it's musical version of 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' will be more successful

Sport/Games

Knocklyon boasts a number of successful sporting clubs including the local football team, Knocklyon United and an athletics club, Brothers Pearse (named for Irish Republican leader Padraig Pearse due to his legendary ability to shot-put cannonballs. Pearse stills holds an Irish record in the discipline). During the early 1990s, Knocklyon also boasted a small Professional Wrestling Club called the 'Wrestling National and Knocklyon Ring Society' (WNKRS) but the club folded due to continual drug raids by the GardaĆ­.

There is also a volleyball team resident in the local Community Centre. The team are notorious for only wearing jeans and Aviator brand sunglasses (and optional white vest)while playing. Their strict adherence to this uniform has seen them banned from most national volleyball tournaments.

The summer sees the return of one of Knocklyon's most exciting sporting events, the PJ Troy Award. This football tournament spans the summer with the outstanding player each Sunday picking up the award. Every Sunday two teams of four slug it out in some of the most dour, unattractive football matches possible. It's a pyrrhic victory for whoever emerges from the pot-holed ridden mud bath that is the Cherryfield Bowl with the award. A certain player, known as BQ, usually upsets the event by constantly disputing legitimate goals. Inevitably, by the law of averages, the team who takes the most shots will generally score the more goals and win the match. Hence the game renowned for speculative efforts that sail harmlessly wide. For some reason, winning a corner is greeted with rapturous applause and all round high fives.

Knocklyon was the subject of a board game simply entitled "Knocklyon - The Board Game", released in Summer 2004. The main objective of the game was to escape Coolamber before you became hooked on crack. Despite relatively good sales, the game was withdrawn following complaints about its graphic portrayal of the Coolamber estate.

Erotica

Removing the one copy of "Dunston Checks In" from the comedy section of the Xtravision video shop in Knocklyon causes a secret passage to open in the largest of the washing machines in the dry cleaners next door, this passage leads to a world of erotic art and top quality Swedish porno where one's wildest sexual fantasies can be realised. One can relieve any sexual tensions built up whilst savouring the erotic delights on display in the handily placed buckets outside the hardware shop.

It's strongly rumored that it was Kevin the Australian Xtravision manager/school caretaker who added this feature to the Knocklyon Shopping Centre. Allegations of unlawful use of a didgeridoo remain unfounded.

What happens when "Baby's Day Out" is removed from the shelf is far too pornographic to be mentioned here.

Science

Many scientists debate the origins of the universe. The universe was actually formed in 1993 on Knockcullen Green when on Hallowe'en night the underage alcopop armies of Knocklyon and Whitechurch clashed on this hallowed turf. The ensuing bloodbath and raw energy released during the fighting caused the explosion we now call the big bang.

The Blue Haven

This pub lies in the disputed zone of Dublin 16 and Dublin 14. Described on tourist maps as a Rathfarnham-based pub, The Blue Haven has been slowly infiltrated by a band of uncover spies known only by the name 'regulars'. Since this time, many local criminals have called The Blue Haven their local, e.g. Oisin 'snookerball' Convery, Robbie 'the arse' Murphy, Neil 'The Pie' Tracy, Jody 'Feather Duster' Gavin and Ross 'short fuse' McSherry. The Blue Haven now lies firmly in the grip of Knocklyon. The 'regulars' are now planning a takeover of Buglers, The Orchard and, if there is time, The Morgue.

External links

Personal tools
View and edit namespaces data

Variants
Actions
Navigation
on Uncyclopedia
Community
participate
Toolbox