Knowle

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Knowle is pronounced 'k-nole-ee' according to 'Barry Scott's Little Big Book of Words' published by 'Cillit Bang'. Knowle is the neighbour of Dorridge, The Gay Capital of the World.

For starters, Knowle has a much larger population than Dorridge, which outnumbers Dorrites by 3 people. Knowle is full of old people like Dorridge but with less purpose than Dorridge has a Parish Church and a Tesco Metro that re-furnishes every day. Knowle's population of restaurants is actually greater than its own human population.

ERM[edit]

As Dorridge's first word was 'shit', Knowle's was 'erm'. This is because the guy who founded Knowle was about to give it a name, and all he could think of was "errrrrm". Coincidentally this made anyone living in Knowle potentially stupid in their first days of visiting. The guy who said 'erm' was given a medal for the first man to build up a colony of idiots that live in an invisible mental home/asylum. Later in the year 2000(BC) he was given another medal of achievement for thinking up ERM. England's Retardation Manoeuvre. This is where the unlucky few of England populace who are retarded come to Knowle.

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Concerning Chavs[edit]

The Knowle chav wanders about aimlessly through the sleepy village of Knowle. As always there is an uprising of chavs in the sleepy village of Knowle. The threat hasn't been dealt with, by our sworn protector (Barry Scott). (This treaty was signed after Barry's escape from leukaemia). Barry has cared not for poor Knowle, so instead a new protector came forward, and smote down the plumb stupid looking asshole. This historical event took place in K-nole-ee Park, year 2006 just before Christmas.

Ever since this, Chavs are acting more and more weirdly, there's no logical explanation really. Only that k-nole-ean chavs are quite thick im the head. A quote from Blackadder. "If a cannibal opened your head, he wouldn’t be able to spread your brains over a small water biscuit."

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The Chippy and Other Resting Places for Knowles’s Odd Civilians[edit]

Outside school hours, Chavs take refuge in the chip shop so they can rest their small brains and feed on overpriced tins of fizzy drinks and chips. Another place of worship is not one for chavs to show off their fake timberlands tracksuits, but one for the very small population of emos. This place is in the precinct. Near the entrance you can clearly see a few emos lying on the floor in broad daylight. On some days when people are revising hard for tests or having fun with friends, emos find that lying on the floor taking pictures of themselves on their phones to upload to their Myspaces, is more satisfying.

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Shops[edit]

Unlike Dorridge, Knowle has a load of shops, 2 pizza parlours, 3 Chinese, 9 Indian and one Tescos. Little to say about the pizzas and the Indians, but the Chinese restaurants only stay here so the Chinese waiters can take pictures of cubs and scouts marching to on the high street to the useless parish church, which has no hope of motivating anyone who visits it.

Tescos and its companion in disguise 'One Stop', is separate from other things because it's the only shop that has the intelligence to manage to actually sell the things on the shelves.

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The Royal British Legion[edit]

The Royal British Legion is the kind of place that has no-one in it except for a few days each year. When there are people there they are old people who like to smoke and drink beer. These kind of people are called, k-nole-ean-alcho-oldies, in shorter terms, old people.

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Old People of Knowle[edit]

You ever see them during the day time or night time. This is because of Barry Scott's law about oldies, 'Lock them up', 'not to be seen or heard', 'except on special days'. This is the reason why police are blocking the roads when there are marches to and from the church, to stop cars running over old people and to keep a leash on them, just in case they go create havoc. It is also a mystery as to how many of these wrinklies turn up. They come from no-where. You never see them arrive or leave only you know that they do. All the 1024+ year olds are still members of the Bible Bashers. (Pronounced Bib-ul).

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History of Knowle[edit]

Knowle has quite an odd history as it was founded in 1980 BC by a cannibal whose name was Mr. Jolly Rodgers. Jolly earned 2 medals for creating the village and ERM. Before modern times Knowle was pronounced 'K-nole-ee', as you already know. Before the times when women gave birth (0 AD), every mayor of knowle was direct descendants from each other. In other words the mayor married his son and could force alien embryos into his son, making the son give birth. Knowle was the first to experience the change. Obviously at that time the meaning 'Women are hopeless' was literally true. When men stopped giving birth, the messiah came and ruined men’s fertility system so that women gave birth instead, at this point the genes from the alien embryo kicked in making Jebus think he’s God. Recently, a further study of Henry the 8th proves that the men giving birth theory is right. Henry found a witch telling him of this, and so vowed to test the theory out. Henry needed a son to be able to carry out the test. However, he never lived long enough for his sons to produce sperm at the right age.

In the middle ages, at the time when England was invaded by the Danes, all the rape victims were sent to Knowle. This is because not even the English King at the time gave a shit about Knowle. Knowle wasn't even taken by the Danes, and that the king himself ordered rape victims to be dumped here.

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Ancient rape victims of old K-nole-ee[edit]

A very special event took place in K-nole-ee coincidentally right after the birth of icle' Barry Scott which was 1 hour before the battle of Hastings. The rape victims which happened to all be men, formed a group called Bible Bashers (has no relation to the shit modern Bible bashers club in the druggy parts of Dorridge). The Bible Bashers were cannibals who thought Mr. Jolly Rodgers was their god, and that eating as many people as they could, would summon him. They ate all the deadies after the Battle of Hastings.

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The Schools[edit]

The schools in Knowle are crap. That would be the diagnosis of a normal person. But in the eyes of the people of Knowle, the schools are the only things worth to be living there for. It is the special place where children become men. To classify as a man all you need to do is glue some hair downstairs.

Diagnosis of Arden school: it is a shit school whose pupils' age is above 78, but with the mind capacity of a 3 year old. Arden school has most of its students dating their friends (especially in year 9, German half). The pathetic relationship only lasts for a few weeks then they fall out, have a squabble, and then they're best mates again. The school conjures the worst in people's personality. The head teacher likes turkeys a bit too much, and also has a suit for every day of the year.

Diagnosis of Knowle School: here, the cooks are paid to cook, but get a bonus every time their mashed potato is green and moves whenever you plunge a knife into it. On special days, such as Chinese Day, the Chinese special food is rice, rice, rice, rice, rice, rice, a piece of chicken for every 7 pupils, rice, rice, rice, rice, rice and rice. The only male teacher it could get its hands on was a nearly bald paedophile whose blazer had dark wet patches where the armpits are. Every teacher is as patronising as Simon Cowell and as motivated to do their job as a chav that works at McDonald’s.

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The School's Teaching Methods[edit]

After the outlaw of corporal punishment senior management ingeniously adapted to the legislation and introduced a team of ex-US military "Psy-Ops" to assist in the de-personalisation social compliance programme.

The school recently opened a sixth form that could provide an escape for people from the area to be able to go somewhere that isnt Solihull. It is inkeeping with the city of Knowle, as it's pure gash.

They do like to make you believe anything there, but once past the first few days you learn not to listen and just bide your time as a prisoner.

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Knowle Surgery House[edit]

By the sounds of it, a surgery house is a thing where you knock people unconscious using overdoses of originally harmless drugs, and then you crudely chop them up and find out what’s wrong with them. By the time you fix the problem, you realise you have accidentally sliced your patient into several pieces.

Of course, this is exactly what Knowle Surgery House is. It is full of eager, hard working individuals, fully armed and equipped with bone saws and scalpels, all just too excited to look inside you. It is common practice for every seventh patient at the Knowle Surgery to have his kidney removed without his or her knowledge. This is because many people in Knowle are religious and hope that by sacrificing one of their own they are guaranteed a good harvest. RIPTUS, DOMINUS.

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Heros[edit]

Knowle only has a selected few people that can be celebrated as heroes. One of these is Elliott Brighton. Elliott has served in both World Wars, the Falklands War, Gulf War and the American Civil War, amongst many others, despite only being 17 years of age. He now spends his time gardening and riding bicycles as this helps take his mind off his past. When returning from Iraq in 2007, he engaged in many activities he now regrets. He was found guilty of Pillaging, Cottaging and Rape. The only reason he is admired after this is cos he got the Dorridge public toilets closed down, which drove the gypsies living in there away to live in Balsall Common. Other heroes include:

  • Josef Fritzl - Austrian
  • Gary Glitter - Pop Sensation
  • Sammy Yu - The man who intends to ruin Birmingham City FC
  • Celestine Babayaro - God
  • The Bogeyman - Scares little KIds away so old people can rule.
  • Ian Huntley - Caretaker
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Fun Facts[edit]

  • Knowle has the largest amount of anteater eating cases in the whole of Britain.
  • It neighbours the province of Bentley Heath, where the Great Tomato Riots of 2004 took place, which is now an annual event. Bentley Heath also holds the biggest paper shop in the world, that is known for its sale of all items, from world cup face paints to out of date cookies. It is also known for the fantastic staff, paperkids who go to Somalia and back for a measly sixpence a week.
  • Many people claim to have been to Knowle. Nobody really knows why.
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See also[edit]

Theoretical County of Nuneatonshire
Warwickbear.jpg Birmingham | Coventry | Dorridge | Knowle | Nuneaton | Rugby | Warwick
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