Knoxville

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Founded in 1992, Knoxville is the seventy-fifth largest city in the U.S. state of Tennessee, behind Nashville and Egg. Knoxville is the largest manufacturer of rubber WWJD bracelets in the United States, has more pedophiles per capital than any other state (except for New Jersey) and is the home of the Lady Vols, who famously beat the Rutgers University Nappy-Headed Ho's for the 2007 NAACP championship.

One of Knoxville's nicknames is The Marble City because, until very recently (Thursday) only white people were allowed to live there. As of 2007, the current mayor is Johnny Knoxville, who defeated Asian incumbent Sum Dum Ho in 2003.

A typical Knoxvillian

History[edit]

The first humans to live in what is now Knoxville were of the Hey-Howaya, a group of trappers and keepers, or trapper-keepers, driven south from the Great Lakes region by trash on the highway that made them cry, probably about 1945. These savage, un-Christian people with the strange red skin called this area Ug Oog Pra, or Oprah, literally the "Place of Black Thighs."

In 1887, Andrew Jackson's "Round Up The Redskins" campaign worked, and good, God-fearing people re-named the land Knoxville, after Larry Knoxville, a famous botanist who discovered garlic and, later, founded Burger King.

During the Civil War and later, during the Battle of the Bulge, Knoxville was officially incorporated into Tennessee...and it's still there today! OMG WTF. Today, Knoxville is home to the Sun Sphere, the South's biggest shrine to Apollo, god of the sun and raisins, and raisins in the sun.

The Sunsphere. Knoxvillians are transfixed by the shiny golden ball.

Climate[edit]

Knoxville does, in fact, have a climate. It rains, it snows, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It hailed once, I think.

Culture[edit]

Knoxvillians have a rich and varied culture. They enjoy country music, racism and various cheeses. Notable Knoxvillians include Quentin Tarantino, Johnny Knoxville, Fred, comedy duo Ham and Cheese, a grape, and this. The third Sunday of every June is Redneck Gay Pride. Fred Phelps founded the self-proclaimed "gays meets git-r-done" parade in 1979, and it continues to be Knoxville's largest and most popular tourist event, after Halloween and Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Trivia[edit]

  • The 1984 World's Fair was held in Knoxville. So...yeah.
  • What's a fun thing to do while you're in Knoxville? Pack up and get the fuck out.
  • Knoxville's city anthem is "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney. Fat women love him.
  • Knoxville is full of fat women.
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  • Knoxville's sister city is Poon, Russia. In Knoxville, it's legal to marry your sister city.