Koala
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WARNING THIS INFOMATION IS NOT TRUE:(Not to be confused with Kabbalah)
The Koala (from 'Hoalus' , the Greek verb 'To unexpectedly have both your arms ripped off' )is a small notanythinglikeabear-like animal which lives in most parts of Australia, as well as some other parts of the Universe. They can also be found in Koalawalla land. A small fraction of the thousands of koalas spend their lives sitting at the tops of tall trees in bushland sleeping or taking drugs. But most koalas are incredibly aggressive and will attack any unfortunate person who happens to get in their way.
During the first World War the ANZAC troops at Galipoli used a single Koala in a attempt to subdue the Turks. Unfortunately for the brave ANZAC's the Koala turned on them, causing a great many casualties. The British command shit themselves and ran away screaming into the sea. It was only after the brave efforts of both the combined ANZAC, and Turkish forces that the mighty animal was stunned that the Turkish forces where in fact turkeys and not fish as he had been informed little over two minutes before he ran past the Koala. Then everyone else buggered off and decided it wasn't worth fighting over.
Koalas have been known to hide in the tops of trees in bushland, then jump down when they see hikers passing by, landing on top of them and ripping their brains out.
Koalas have also been known to poo alot. Once they pooed on another Koala. Approximatly the have pooed on 7,000,00 people and one of those people was George Bush.
This year alone 90 hikers have been killed by koalas. Last year, in 2004, 220 people in total were killed. 180 were killed in 2003. Now in 2005 the death rate has at least tripled in Australia as well as in China and parts of New Mexico. Those stupid bastards need to be caught. It has been claimed that 12 people were killed in a Los Angeles zoo last year and the cover up has been likened unto the the moon landing fiasco [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much].
The aggression of koalas has been attributed to their diet. In particular, koalas are fond of eating mescaline containing eucalyptus leaves. This gives their coat a glossy sheen, but has the unfortunate side effect of causing paranoiac freak outs upon over indulgence. In the 1970's, the Australian government exploited the local population of mescaline addicted koalas to harvest mescaline for the Vietnam War effort - in addition, a side project formed to create "super koalas", today known as Drop Bears. Since this project ended, koalas have been exploited by the Gypsy Jokers; where harvested mescaline is now sold on the black market as speed.
It has been advised by the Australian government that all hikers should carry a semi-automatic rifle or a similar projectile-firing device when hiking in bushland. But this idea may not necessarily be better.
A few months ago, a large group of about fifteen koalas attacked a group of five hikers who were hiking in the bushland of Western Australia. The hikers had two shotguns between them. The koalas killed all of the hikers, then stole their guns.
A few months later, the same koalas used the two shotguns to rob a bank in the city of Perth in Western Australia, near where the koalas had killed the hikers. They stole about $100 million Australian dollars. The koalas escaped before police arrived and were never found again.
Two years later we are still trying to find those little bears. The Australian authorities say that they may have jumped on to a bus and driven across the ocean to get to China. In China the koalas were sighted and there have been rumours of attacks on pandas. "We really like panda and we no like koala killing panda" a local Chinese person said. "The other day I see panda running with koalas all over back" he stated, "at first me want to help panda but I know koala do much harm to me." This local has asked to remain anonymous but we don't care his name is Chung Wangeater.
The United States has also had problems - which is strange since not many koalas live in the United States. Two koalas which were hanging around 5th Avenue in New York City attacked and killed thirty people, and injured a further ten. The police arrived and were able to shoot and kill the koalas before they attacked anyone else.
The British have also had problems with koalas. Twenty koalas one day attacked passing cars on the M4 motorway leading out of London. They leapt off bridges and landed on top of the cars, before jumping in, killing the drivers and driving off. Fifty people were killed during this attack.
There have also been many other problems, most of them in Australia. The Australian, US and British governments have come together to create an international koala hit squad. Consisting of about one hundred professionally-trained soldiers, this hit squad will be able to take out any koalas anywhere in the world within minutes.
Much research has shown that koalas have infiltrated the world of video games; more specifically the World of Warcraft. The koalas have managed to form a frightfully strong guild, self-titled of course, bent on destroying the World as we know it. Blizzard employees are sending their best programmers into the game in a frantic attempt to halt The Koala's attempt to overthrow the game's mechanisms. If seen online, do your character a favor...and run.
Until we find out more about how to destroy these evil koalas once and for all, watch out - you may be the next victim of a koala attack.
[edit] Facts
- The attacks on the world trade centre towers on September the 11th, 2001 may have been organised and carried out by koalas. When the black box was collected from one of the crashed planes, a strange chattering was heard on the radio. This may have been a koala.
- The leader of the Al-Quaeda terrorist group, which organized the September 11 attacks may not be Osama Bin Laden. Then everyone went to the mall and had a glass of chocolate milk and played with dollies. Then they stated to chase the birdies. Osama Bin Laden may just be the second in command of Al-Quaeda. The main leader of Al-Quaeda may actually be a koala. Some other members of Al-Quaeda may be koalas as well. In fact, some people suggest that Osama Bin Laden, as well as everyone else in Al-Quaeda, may be koalas.
- Saddam Hussein, the dictator of Iraq may actually be the vice-dictator. The main dictator may actually be a koala. It is also said that Saddam and either many or all of the members of the Iraqi government and military may actually be koalas in disguise. This has been proven. When a US Marine Corps unit was fighting against a larger force of Iraqi soldiers, they heard a strange chattering from some of the men - which wasn't Iraqi language. It may have actually been koala language. Only one man of the unit of five Marines escaped alive. He said what had happened, but died in hospital a week after he came back alive.
- President George W. Bush (dumbest president in the whole wide world), one of the main people who is trying to stop the koala attacks may be a koala himself. So may a number of people from the US government and military. People from the British and Australian governments may also be koalas, including John Howard, the Prime Minister of Australia and Tony Blair, the Prime Minister of England.
- Koalas may have planned and carried out the recent bombings of London underground train stations and buses. They may also be planning a large-scale attack on Washington.
- Koalas may have incited the recent riots in France
- Koalas commonly store a large number of weapons in their pouches.
- Oscar Wilde once killed a 50 lb. koala off a New England coast with only a used condom and a ballpoint pen
- The United States of America does not negotiate with koalas.
- Koalas largely associate with your mom
- Koalas like to fall out of trees and land on your face and suffocate you. That's how the "Face Hugger" was invented for the movie "Alien".
- Koalas can actually fly.And have gotten in trouble for being so high in the sky
- If you throw a koala out of a moving plane, they will throw you out on your return flight.
- Koalas can't fly.
- Says who?
- If you hug a koala, it will slap you in the face, and if you call it cute, it will kick you in the knee cap.
- Koalas like to "dance" to Hip-Hop music cause they have a big backside.
- Koalas are the number 12 cause of death of asians in the united states
- Koalas eat humans!
- Koala bears lick pie off peoples' toes!
- Koala bears like to do the disco on a saterday night.
- Yamislee likes to kill koala bears in spare time
- Koala bears like to eat peoples hair after dinner!
[edit] See also
