The Konami Code is a best selling novel by author Dan Brown. It was published by Doubleday in 2003, and made into a Oscar winning movie in 2006.
The novel was released to much controversy, as it contains a number of fictional topics presented as historical fact which run counter to long-standing pillars of Catholicism. Among the most lurid of these controversies is the graphical depiction of the dirty, dirty sex that Jesus had with Mary Magdalene. Many argue that this idea is not original, as it was covered in the 1983 historical documentary There's Something About Mary by Michael Baigent and The Last Templar by Steve Berry.
The Konami Code is a worldwide bestseller with more than 60.5 million copies in print (as of May 2006) and has been translated into 44 languages. It is thought to be the thirteenth best-selling book of all time. In November of 2004, Random House published an illustrated version, focusing mainly on the dirty, dirty sex scenes. Later than year they published the abridged version, and in 2005 they published the annotated version, hardcover version, audio version, color-by-number version, and the choose-your-own-adventure version. Random House remains dedicated to bringing you the best printed items money can buy, and refuses to stoop to the cheap marketing ploys that other publishers use.
The book describes the efforts of Tom Hanks, Professor of Religious Symbology at Harvard University, to solve the murder of renowned curator Jacques Saunière of the Louvre Museum in Paris. In an 80s style flashback, it is revealed that Saunière's body was found in the Denon Wing of the Louvre naked and posed like Konami da Vinci's famous sculpture David, with a cryptic message written beside his body and a Pentacle drawn on his stomach in his own blood. Hidden messages in Konami's famous works such as The Last Supper, TMNT, Contra and DDR figure prominently in solving the mystery.
The novel has several concurrent storylines that follow different characters throughout different parts of the book. Eventually all the storylines and characters come together in an arcade, and the final showdown occurs on a DDR machine. The unraveling of the mystery requires the reader to complete a series of brain-teasers, including anagrams and number puzzles. If unable to do so, there are hints available on a 1-900 line for $0.99 a minute, minimum of 4 minutes. The solution itself is found to be intimately connected with the possible location of the Holy Grail and to a mysterious society called the Knights Templar. The story also involves the shadowy Roman Catholic organization Gideons International.
Part of the advertising campaign for the novel was that the artwork in the American version of the bookjacket held various codes, and that the reader who solved them via the author's website would be given a prize. Several thousand people actually solved the codes, and one name was randomly chosen to be the winner, with the name announced on live television, Good Morning America, in early 2004. The prize was a trip to Paris.
The five hidden puzzles reveal
- The US address of Gideons International.
- An address to send money to help a widow's son.
- The Coca-Cola recipe.
- Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
Literary and Historical Criticism
When first published, the book debuted to world-wide outcry. While the greatest came from the Catholic Church, historians, art connoisseurs, architects, politicians, and Bdsmites all found fault with parts of the book.
While the entirety of the vast issues the Catholic Church has with the book are impossible to detail here, the most vigorous are:
- Jesus did not have dirty, dirty sex with Mary Magdalene.
- The "Holy Grail" that Jesus had was not a Cup won after "scoring" with her.
- The "Holy Grail" is not "The Big O".
- The fact that the Knights Templar and the Knights of the Round Table "Quested" for "The Grail" and "Associated" with "Fair Maidens" does not change the previous position on "The Holy Grail".
- The biblical Jesus was Original Jesus, and not Jesus H. Christ as the book claims.
- "Sex" and "Belief" are two different things, especially when applied to women.
In addition to the harsh criticism laid upon it
s heaving bosom by the Catholic Church, many historians and art connoisseurs also took great issue with the book.
While the entirety of the vast issues the historians and art connoisseurs have with the book are impossible to detail here, the most vigorous are:
- Jesus did not have dirty, dirty sex with Mary Magdalene, at least historically. (Historical romance speaking, yes, yes he did.)
- The "Holy Grail" is not "The Big O", or it would have been found plenty of times by now, especially in Amsterdam.
- Mary Magdalene is not seated next to Jesus in Konami's most famous work of art, The Last Supper. If anywhere, she would have been in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, or under the table, "serving Jesus".
- Up until about the 15th century, the Vatican wasn't much more than a festering pile of rodent droppings, so these secrets wouldn't have been hidden there.
- The early bible wasn't edited in later centuries as part of a great conspiracy to cover up the dirty, dirty sex Jesus had with Mary Magdalene. (They just took out the naughty pictures then.)
- Gideons International is not a commercial front for a cult-like group of brainwashed killers working for the Pope. (They are a commercial front for a cult-like group of brainwashed killers working for the CIA.)
- Konami wasn't hiding secrets in his artwork - he was just a sloppy drunk.
- The Knights Templar and the Freemasons....well, ok, all bets are off with those screwball organizations.
The future of The Konami Code
Despite the inevitable anti-climax when the reader discovers through clever detective work (or $7.92 in 1-900 charges) that the Konami Code is ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A, the book has gone on to sell over 100 million copies world-wide. It has gathered enough interest to spawn a Saturday morning cartoon series and a film staring the Ron Paul among other noted actors. Multiple other works have been spun off it, including "The Konami Code: A Catholic Response", a 12,645 page rebuttal by the Catholic church, which includes quotes from most of the bible, as well as the phrase "...and that's why you'll be going to hell, Dan Brown" more than 800 times. Also, the Konami Code is one of the few known ways to kill a mockingbird
Excerpt from the Infamous Sex Scene in The Konami Code
By far the most popular part of the book, chapter 17, entitled "Jesus has dirty, dirty sex with Mary Magdalene" is one of the most commonly illegally reproduced bits of text since Debbie Does Dallas came out on VHS. Rather than force the reader to dig up a previously stained and bookmarked copy, a portion of the text is reproduced here, for posterity's sake:
- Jesus gently pulled Mary's shirt up over her head. As he fondled her breasts through her bra, he could feel himself rising again. Mary looked up at him and said, "Would you die for me?"
- Jesus didn't answer. He bent down and kissed her on the lips. As Mary reached down and removed her bra, he suckled her left breast. Mary's tender gasp let him know that he was doing things right. She whispered sadly, "My last lover left me. Don't ever leave me." Jesus replied in a husky voice, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it."
- As Jesus looked at Mary, he noticed that she looked as if she was going to start crying. He knew that he would have to take things slow, to make the night feel like it was three days and three nights. "Sin as such does not exist, but you make sin when you do what is of the nature of fornication, which is called 'sin'," he said. "For this reason the Good came into your midst, to the essence of each nature, to restore it to its root. For this reason you come."
- "Jesus, will you...will you show me your kingdom?" she asked. "The Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come, you will know this," he replied. "I will come then," Mary replied. "Lots."