Kosher Law

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Kosher law is the set of rules for Jews to follow. If you don't follow them your foreskin will grow back and your earrings will melt and scar you terribly.

Be a good girl and you will live long and prosper and multiply like yeast.


Kosher laws were first written down with a No. 2 pencil by Rabbi Ibbar the Elderly ca. 4700 BCE. Rabbi Ibbar the Puckish made edits, which forced his father to declare him a sacrifice. According to extant scrolls, he was "mighty tasty, but [still] not as good as BBQ short ribs."

Two centuries later, an ancestor of Bella Abzug added feminism to the roster of laws. Following this, a male chess champion scribbled out her additions with a Magic Marker found in the Well of Loneliness.

In the Middle Ages several mystical men added the sexuality category 'cause they weren't gettin' any. In Bohemia, Slavs petitioned to have the laws reversed and won, but everyone forgot about the revision and so we're stuck today with these mandates. God himself approved the laws by creating a flood near Jaffa, Israel in 1669.

During the mass migration from Central Europe to the United States and that little country to the north, Jews brought the laws with them, much to the discomfort of the Jewish colony in Tombstone, Arizona, which had adopted Hopi laws and danced a lot under the influence of expensive tequila and tainted buffalo burgers from Jack-in-the-Box restaurants.

In 1949 an international Hebrew conference voted to have the laws printed using an early IBM [email protected]@LAW computer. This print job took 14 years to finish. Finnish Jews gave their blessing upon its completion.

Kosher laws are separated by categories called "categories" (in Hebrew, "catty-goreys").

Which tasty slab o’ pork will Kabbalah freak Madonna dig into first?


Jews may not eat pork unless it is raw.

Jews may not eat risen breads during Passover unless poppy seeds have been added.

Jews may not drink whiskey or champagne unless it is the cheapest brand available in your zip code.


Jews may not have sex with people of the same sex ("homosensuality") with the lights turned off. Turn 'em on! Bring out the video camera! Share your joy on YouTube!

Jews may not masturbate without the aid of raw pork. Doesn't that feel so much better?

Marriage and sex is only acceptable on the first night for as long as you are married together. C'est la vie!

Observing the Sabbath[edit]

This is best done from a lawn chair with binoculars.


Israelis are hot in their uniforms. This is due to the fact that it's hot in Israel. But leave the Arabs alone. They outnumber us 500,000 to one. Instead, eat - EAT!

It’s too hot to fight!


The Talmud says that if you do not have children, the Torah dies with old men. But you can get around this by faux-adopting a child who needs your help. The Christian Childrens' Fund is a good start for losers.


No Jew may have more money than his neighbor. Yeah right! Show 'em who's top dog.

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