Kraft

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kraft.

Kraft is a cheesy US company. Founded in 3, it is most famous for being really, really big.

Kraft Cheese[edit]

A curdled milk product which has won the highest accolades from French gourmets, the recipe for Kraft Cheese came about by a fortuitous accident when lightning struck a vat of yoghurt in which Asterix VII, Burgundy's shortest arch-duke and French resistance leader, was drowning his pet chimpanzee, Bulles (Bubbles), after the chimp had disgraced himself in a remarkable display of simian lustfulness at a gathering of midget nobility.

Kraft Cheese (which translates roughly from the ancient Burgundian as 'Chimp Batter') has garnered applause for its crumbly, yet buttery texture. Its rich creamy veining and vigorous taste reflect admirably the noble culinary traditions of medieval Burgundy, where court banquets could include such timeless delights as giblet turnover, gruel and fur pie.

Some suggestions have been made that rabbits (see Clinja ) at the core of the earth reproduce to make kraft cheese however the source of this suggestion is unreliable. ( for details see The Big One )

Judy Garland devoted her fifteenth year to Kraft Cheese.

Brands[edit]

  • Capri Sun (North America Only): Provides millions of children a year with a "sharp stick" for eye poking.
  • Cheez Whiz: Made with real cheese, and possibly urine.
  • Chips Ahoy!: California highway patrol snack.
  • Cool Whip: High calory marital aid.
  • Dairylea (UK only): Sounds like diarrhoea.
  • Easy Cheese: Because cheese is difficult.
  • Jell-O gelatin:Bill Cosby and Alicia Keys favo(u)rite.
  • Kool-Aid (The Americas only, plus the Philippines): Named before AIDS killed millions.
  • Kraft Dinna: Noodle-like substitute combined with "cheese" flavoured cow hoof powder. Popular in Canuckistan.
  • Kraftwerk (Germany only): German verison of Kraft Dinner
  • Kraft Singles: Never call after a one night stand.
  • Lacta: Probably cow milk, but sounds like it might be breast milk.
  • Miracle Whip: Mayonnaise with sugar. Must be forced on people while they are children if adult enjoyment is to be possible.
  • Nabob (Canada only): National Association of Black Owned Broadcasters[1].
  • Oreo: Racially ambiguous cookie.
  • Ritz: Crackers of the elite.
  • Tang: Astronaut slang for vagina.
  • Terry's Chocolate Orange: Shaped like an fucking orange! With slices!
  • Toblerone: Chocolate for people to old for Hersheys or Cadbury. But hey, it's Swiss!!1!!1
  • Triscuit: Originally had a square shape do to geometry misconception. Triangular Tricuits now available.
  • Velveeta: Nongovermental government cheese.
  • Vegemite (Australia Only): Apparently, a spread made out of shit. Good on bread.