Kriptonite

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Slab of Kriptonite found in Roswell, New Mexico. It weighs 15.7 KG, but on its home planet it would simply blow away in the breeze
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Kriptonite.

“I can handle this shit; for I am a Superwoman!

Kriptonite (Kryptonite in Soviet Russia) is a sickly-greenish colored stuff originating from the destroyed planet Kripton. Kriptonite is an unknown alien extraterrestrial material that is composed entirely of an unknown alien extraterrestrial material called Kriptonite (Ref. "Yesterdays' Science Today Magazine: 11/3).

Kriptonite has no known utility on Earth, apart from it’s use by sick-minded villains to counteract the strength and invincibility of 'mild-mannered reporter', Clark Kent AKA Superman, who is the only known survivor of the Planet Kripton. Therefore, on Earth, Kriptonite is worthless because it has no purpose other than fighting against truth, justice, and the American way.

Appearance of Kriptonite[edit]

In Earth’s atmosphere Kriptonite appears to be green, but experiments have shown that it changes colors under different conditions. For example, Kriptonite turns yellow when exposed to concentrated carbon dioxide levels, similar to the atmosphere of Mars; when the experimenters dropped acid, Kriptonite appeared paisley.

Specific Gravity / RI of Kriptonite[edit]

A kilogram of Kriptonite, by Earth’s atmospheric standards, is assumed to weigh 3.5 carats on Kripton, making it lighter than a feather on the planet of origin. However, there is a large 46% margin of error, due to the unmeasurable nature of missing Kripton's no-longer gravitational pull.

Close-up of missing Kripton taken from the Hubble Telescope. Take note that, since its untimely explosion, it's totally kaput.

The refractive Index of Kriptonite is literally "off the refract-o-meter" and believed to be as high as the legendary Sri Lankan Naga-Mani (Snake Stones). This unfathomably high refractive index makes Kriptonite appear to glow when in Hollywood, Las Vegas, or at Bar Mitzvahs.

Hardness & Other Attributes of Kriptonite[edit]

Kriptonite is hardness 22 on the Earth’s Mohs scale, making it the hardest element ever not found on the Earth. It has no taste or smell when on the Earth, although it is said to stink back on it’s home planet, and taste bloody awful. Although inert to UV light, it is highly radioactive on Kripton, which really doesn't matter now.

Planet of Origin[edit]

Kripton standards are no longer applicable because Kripton was destroyed and is no more. Except for rogue chunks and pieces that were blasted into all directions of space at the time of Kripton’s apocalypse, there is simply no more Kripton. However, scientists have used both Superman and Kriptonite as reference points to speculate qualities of Kripton that would normally be unmeasurable.

After three months of head-scratching and limited government funding, the scientists have concluded that Kripton was generally made up of "Kriptonite and other materials similar to Kriptonite," and populated by "Supermen who would be very weak and hardly able to walk on Kripton." The public, unsatisfied with this half-ass deductive reasoning, demanded to know where the $20,500,000 dollars of taxpayer money went. The chief scientist, Dr. Al Gore, assured that it was all spent on "the scientific method," while he sipped a martini and flashed his grills.

Utility of Kriptonite[edit]

Because of it’s intense density when in Earth’s atmosphere, Kriptonite has no utility in any Earth industry. Although highly non-radioactive, and thus safe for Earthlings to wear, it is none the less unattractive, being non-transparent and of a sickly green hue. Kriptonite has no known utility on Earth, apart from it’s use by sick-minded villains to counteract the strength and invincibility of 'mild-mannered reporter', Clark Kent AKA Superman, who is the only known survivor of the Planet Kripton. Therefore, on Earth, Kriptonite has no other use than in fighting justice.

Contraindications of Kriptonite[edit]

Largest single block of Kriptonite is found in Mecca. Superman will NEVER join that religion

Proximity to Kriptonite weakens the alien powers of Superman, thus robbing him of his extra-terrestrial ability to fight crime. Causes sever weakness in the joints of Superman, and makes it impossible for him to fly in Earth’s atmosphere; Kriptonite also adversely effects his sex life. Kriptonite has no known influence on Earthlings, other than Superman, who is not really an Earthling.

Value & Supply of Kriptonite[edit]

One kilo of extra-terrestrial Kriptonite sells for Amero 3.5 on Earth’s white market, where there are no buyers, and which is strictly controlled by NASA (as reported in the Daily Planet). But on the black market even an oz of Kriptonite sells for minimum Amero fifteen million. Its use by unlicensed evil villains is otherwise strictly controlled by international laws governing the possession of extra-terrestrial materials, especially Kriptonite.

The amount of Kriptonite which actually entered Earth’s atmosphere is scientifically unknown, although the area with the highest presence is believed to be the metropolis of Metropolis. Otherwise its scarcity has not yet been determined. Kriptonite was once quite plentiful on its home planet of Kripton, though it currently possesses a 0% Kriptonite level.

Also see[edit]