Kthulu, oten confused with Cthulu, is the plum-colored "eater of worlds", and is named after an old irish word meaning "Whale's Vagina".
The 500 foot tall horror comes from the realm of Burgunsioue (pronounced "Halibut"). Ktulu is both masculine and feminine, meaning that it is a cross-dresser, and often tries to spawn by mating with humans.
Kthulu is pronounced as "Miek 'Unt"
Kthulu's Primary avatar is that of a large, bearded woman, typically of Scandinavian descent, with plumes of fiery red armpit hair, and an odor that can only be described as "salmony". The odor is rich and intoxicating, lingering upon the palatte much like a thick, green booger flavored of saltpork and bollweevils. It is in this form that most are lured to their horrid deaths.
Kthulu's less notorious avatar is simply known as "the Bringer". The Bringer is a portly man of indistinct origin, possibly German, maybe Spanish, he could even be from Southern Canton New Jersey, we don't know. One thing is certain however, he brings donuts. 2 Dozen of the most marvelous donuts you have ever imagined eating, they are light and fluffy, all flavored with exquisite grace. Not one of them seems fatty to eat, no oil or grease, no lingering aftertaste, only the epitome of perfection, in pastry form.
These superior donuts are composed of supermoles, a molecular nutritional form of inconsistent orientation. They are the very Personification of the Sherpa Effect, where quantum entanglement and great taste combine with the less filling nature found in normal atoms, creating impossibly good custard fillings.
Those who eat of the pastries are doomed to an eternity of suffering, as after this, normal food simply could not compare. Many take their own lives in hate, while others turn to Kitten Huffing to bring some semblance of twisted order to their lives.
If you find yourself on a date with Kthulu, you are most likely doomed, as the thing's ravenous appetite often drives it to consume entire continents. Last time it got hungry, it ate Morbo, the third planet from our sun. Your scrawny ass doesn't even stand a chance against this thing.
As far as entertainment choices, Kthulu likes Lithuanian films about 12 year old sheepherders, preferably with Bolivian subtitles. Few survive this initial encounter, as the twisted claws of unmitigated boredom wrap their oily sharpness around the viewers brains, and your soul literally flees your body in abject terror, forming into the small floating spheres of light often sought after by ghost hunters.
Provided you survive "The Movie", next on the agenda is teleportation to Andy Dick's lavatory, wherein you shall be consumed over a period of 100 years, only to find yourself kept alive by Kthulu's digestive juices. Thereafter, you will be painfully digested over a period of 73 yoctoseconds, but due to the Sherpa Efect common to Black Holes it will seem like far more than 5 whole minutes, whilst you undergo Floccinaucinihilipilificative digestion.
In ancient times,(Circa 1987) Kthulu was often seen in public huffing kittens.
Marduk the Slayer
Dr. William Weir