Kung Fu Panda

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“I don't like noddle soup”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kung Fo Panda

Kung Fu Panda, also known as Buddha Panda, is the most successful Korean movie ever. It centers around a panda named Po who seeks to become a Buddhist monk and defeat the evil Christian snow leopard Tai Lung.

Plot[edit]

And now everyone's favorite scene

The story begans in ancient Mongolia. Here, Po works in a chinese restaurant, under the ruthless orders of his father The Goose (which is odd to say the least). The avian parent thinks Po should continue his work on the restaurant and marry. However, his son actually seeks to become a buddhist monk, which means no fun for anyone. Meanwhile, old tortoise Oogway has a wet dream about the evil christian snow leopard Tai Lung, who escapes Azkaban, and seeks to take over Japan. His protégé Shifu then sends The Goose to deliver a message to the dementor guards of Azkaban to increase the security. However, as in all birds, he shits in the paper, completly changing the message. The dementors then leave Azkaban and become Nazgûl. This gives an oportunity for Tai Lung to escape. Meanwhile, Oogway decides to choose the next Dragon Warrior, in order to defeat the christian feline threat. Everyone assumes that it will be one of the Furious Five - Tigress, Monkey, Mantis, Viper or Crane.

Po, however, is the one choosen, much for Shifu's dismay. The Furious Five are not very happy as well. Po, however, doesn't give up, and eventually everyone but Tigress, accepts him, thanks to his tenacity, cooking and sense of humour. Tigress then reveals why Tai Lung became christian and evil: Shifu raised him since he was a cub, and he loved him as a son; indeed he loved him very much. Eventually, tired of Kitten Huffing, Tai Lung decided to go run away; he eventually ended up in a horrible place, where he learned about christianity. He then decided to impose his religion in China, but everyone felt opressed, and he was sent to jail in Korea. And you know what happened next...

The Dragon Master and his friends preparing a revolution dance

Later, Oogway dies and reencarnates as a fly, which is eaten by Shifu. He then proceeds to train Po. Meanwhile, Tai Lung strikes, and the Furious Five charge at him; however, they are all defeated.

"Take that Pluto!"

Eventually, Po is forced to face Tai Lung. And then, for everyone's shock, they KISS! Then Tai Lung becomes buddhist as well, and the two marry and live happily ever after.

Production[edit]

According to Hayao Miyazaki, this was the most sadomasochistic movie ever made. According to him, no CGI or special effects were used. Indeed, PETA considers Hayo's treatment of the actors as "inhumane" and "amuzing". All the actors had their faces surgically replaced by animal heads, and they were castrated in order to prevent sex that wasn't being filmed. This later lead to thousands of other cheap movies; there is no longer need of CGI, since the furry aberrations arrived to town.

The soundtrack was made by Ashley Tisdale, who apparently used human bones as musical instruments. The movie was filmed in Slovakia and Finland; in order for these wastelands to become anywhere near prehistoric Asia the landscape was covered in inks derived from human blood.

Actor Chuck Norris (Tai Lung) posing

Cast[edit]

Box Office[edit]

It is estimated that it earned 1.13$ after its opening, which makes the most successful movie this year (the second most successful is The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, a Japanese Henri movie that earned -2$).

External links[edit]


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