Kurt Cobain
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Kurt Cobain (Naples, 1967 - Casal di Principe, 1994), know as Kurt 'o Curt (Neapolitan: Kurt the Short) was a sensational kitchen hand and wine connoisseur of the restaurant Nirvana that was based on 1st and 39th streets of downtown Los Wages, Nevada. He was known for his witty aphorisms and philosophical insights which have led many to credit him as one of the founders of suicidal depressionism. He would play guitar for his customers on occasion, and became the first musician to hit power chords with distortion and become famous instantly by doing so.
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[edit] In Utero
Before Cobain's Birth (while he was still a fetus inhabiting the uterus of his mother, Wendy Cobain), he began playing and experimenting with the guitar. Due to the fact that guitars are not commonly sold fetus-size, Wendy ordered a custom-crafted micro-guitar at a length of 2 1/2 cm by Cara Hot Rod Guitars in California and promptly swallowed it.
A sample of the album can be found at: [1]
[edit] Birth
Kurt was born some time during the 1960s, which is lucky because he wouldn't have been very good in a war situation. He was birthed by Dr. Dylan Carlson, a young intern, via Ceasarian Section. Cobain later recounted his experience in an interview held by young journalist, John Howard. "I wished she would throw down her umbilical noose so I could climb right back." he remarked.
[edit] Childhood/Adolescence
Cobain's childhood was a happy one, complete with a mother, father, puppy dog, and a white picket fence. As a child, Cobain was heralded as a honor student, one who never committed crimes or, heaven forbid, dropped out of high school. He was also incredibly friendly and outgoing, telling his friends to "Come as you are" to his house. He also liked to play board games like Monopoloy, Scrabble, and Twenty Questions. With adolescence, Cobain began to experiment with teenage girl deodorants and heroin. His parents, upon discovering his tendancy to smell like sunshine and rainbows, scolded him so badly that he left his home and slept under a bridge. He was a heavy red-meat eater, and occasionally ate small children if they ventured too close to his bridge.
[edit] Are you Experienced?
Prior to his restaurant career, Cobain embarked on an unsuccessful stint in a band, aptly named "the Kurt Cobain Experience". Their one and only album sold 13 copies, 8 of which were purchased by the band themselves to pad out sales. It is believed that the other 5 copies were bought by relatives, deaf-mutes, and non-English speaking customers.
[edit] Before Nirvana
Kurt began his Career in the food service at a stoner Cafe called Eighteen visions. There he served under the management of one Bob Marley. This stint didn't last very long as Bob would increasingly (and annoyingly) sing about Buffalo Wings coming to Amerika. Kurt, who at the time had no interest in the Reggae beats of his employer promptly quit after being asked to shoot the Deputy.
[edit] Outlook
Kurt was famous for his happy-go-lucky attitude to life. He had an easy, peaceful and stable childhood, which may have accounted for his ongoing belief that things would always work out in the end. He was also an incredibly healthy man, aided by the discovery of a benificient elixir, formulated by Cobain himself, which he used as a health supplement throughout his life.
[edit] Influences
It is well known that LSD influenced much of Cobain's food serving techniques and wine recommendations. Some signature dishes, "Polly" and "Pennyroyal Tea" were inspired by his many trips. Kurt Cobain played his guitar so badly in his restaurant, that even if he had strings tuned the correct mathematical proportions by Pythagoras, he would still manage to make a racket.
[edit] Death
Attending officer John P. Thomas filed in his police report the day Kurt died "remind wife to keep skin off the chicken". It was an unfortunate mixup as his wife received a reminder detailing Kurt's murder and henceforth flushed it down the toilet. This in turn spawned many a conspiracy theory regarding his death as the police report detailing his death remains the aforementioned mysterious and seemingly coded message. Courtney Love's fingerprints were also found on the shotgun in question, particularly in the trigger area, but since fingerprint checks were taken days, nay, weeks after the incident, it was discounted as 'circumstantial evidence', with 90% of the officers unaware of what 'circumstantial' meant. It is still not fully known how Kurt Cobain died. Courtney Love is, however, a key suspect. Many cults see this "murder" as absolute evidence of God and his method of disposing of unbelievers by use of the "Holy Buckshot". He is one several people who committed suicide by means of marrying Courtney Love.
Kurt Cobain died when he was just 27, making him a member of the notoroius 27 club which includes Jimi Hendrix and Barry Scott who meet for tea every thursday morning and occasionally play some bridge.
[edit] Aftershock of His Death
At the time of his death in 1994, millions of high school girls around the world (who were huge fans of his now-famous "Uncle Kurt's Half-Baked Hash-Cakes") skipped school to recover from the loss of their culinary idol. At the same time, high school boys thought that since the girls would be thinking less about Kurt, they might actually get laid. Of course, some were mildly successful, but the majority of those still sex-deprived teenage boys joined together to slowly evolve into a lower form of humanity we now know as emos.
Many detectives were sent forth to solve the mystery behind Kurt's death. Hercule Poirot, Sherlock Holmes, Columbo, that guy from Frost and Osama Bin Laden were just a few of the Chief Investigators on duty in 1994. Osama Bin Laden was, however, taken off the case very quickly for being a terrorist. He is now forbidden from taking part in police investigations and banned from committing terrorist acts for 1 month. Despite the strong team of lawyers, presidents, detectives, inspectors, chief evaluators and daleks that have worked tirelessly to discover the cause of Kurt's death, there has been no irrefutable evidence suggesting how he died. There have, however, been some proven/disproven rumours circulating which were verified by Hitler.
[edit] Legacy
Cobain's dishes and menus continue to be enjoyed worldwide, and are served in high rotation in many popular mainstream restaurants. He has gathered somewhat of a cult following amongst young, rebellious kitchen-hands and is widely regarded as a culinary martyr.
Despite the chef's apparent death, he has been sighted occasionally over the years, and rumors continue to circulate that he has been hiding in Canada as recently as August 2007. Photos taken by a secret paparazzi suggest that he is filming a video on airline food, known as Peanut Brittle On a Plane.
Also, these rumors have led a Canadian cult to create a religion that they call "Cobainism". It has been said that the "cult" began somewhere near Odessa, Ontario. Members of this religion spend their days worshipping Kurt from closet effigies/shrines.
[edit] Smells Like Teen Spirit
Prior to Teen Spirit, times for Kurt Cobain were hard and trying. The humongous and disproportioned Krist Novoselic was beginning to show signs of male-patterned baldness and increased grumpiness, while Courtney Love was just naturally very dirty. One day, Kurt was hanging out with a friend (a girl), and she spray-painted on Kurt’s freshly cleaned wall, “Kurt smells like Teen Spirit.” Kurt in laughing protest exclaimed, “You jester, quit with the jocularity! What is all of this I’ve been hearing about Teen Spirit, as of late?” She replied, “Oh, don’t you know! Teen Spirit is the highly fashionable deodorant made just for teens. Such scents like, Sweet Strawberry, Berry Blossom, Pink Crush, and NEW Pop Star are available for affordable prices. You should try it, I know I did!” Kurt couldn’t believe his ears—the wookie and troll problem was finally solved! First thing in the morning, after a good night’s rest and a fresh sponge bath, Krist and Courtney would get a high dose of Sweet Strawberry and Pink Crush. Indeed, Kurt knew from then on that with the lights out, it was less dangerous.
[edit] LSD and Heroin Induced Activities
- Nirvana
- Nirvana Unplugged (during which Cobain and his staff prepared meals without the aid of electric cooking appliances)
- Pennyroyal Tea
- Most Cardiovascular Activities (such as breathing)
- MTV
- Most In Utero activities
- His Own Birth
- Courtney Love
- Blowing his fucking head off (according to rumour)
- The 1993 Live 'Jock Strap' Incident, during which Cobain allegedly ate a dinner guest's jock strap on stage.
- Jumping out of a parachute with a plane on his back
[edit] New Management
Pastry chef, Dave Grohl, was Cobain's only weakness. Cobain had entrusted his possessions to Grohl, and after Kurt's death, inherited power of the restaurant, much to the disdain of sauce chef, Krist Novoselic. The restaurant was promptly renamed 'Food Fighters' to denote the new management, however, the name never caught on in the food industry and he was soon forced to reopen as 'Foo Fighters', which immediately struck a chord with the quasi-intelligent and pseudo-hip young scentless apprentices.
