The Biggest Bitch of a Pokémon in the Pokémon Universe
|Kyogre (Shagging Something)|
|Japanese name||The Bitch|
|Evolves from||The Sea|
|Evolves to||Her Slut Form|
|Height||Higher When She Sprays Orgasmic Water From Herself|
|Weight||How Dare You, You will be Bitchslapped by Kyogre for this|
|Ability||Instantly Make All Guys Want to Shag Her|
|Next Pokémon||Some Earth Menace Called Groudon|
|Previous Pokémon||Some Messiah called Latios|
|Main Advantage||A Slutty Whore of a Bitch|
|Main Disadvantage||Full of STDs|
No-one trully knows who Kyogre was born to, create by or wanked out by but some Poketologists believe that Rayquaza had something to do with it. Studies and extensive DNA testing (how the fuck they managed to tranquilize Kyogre is a mystery) reveal that Kyogre is related to Rayquaza but only as a sister and not a daughter; The same DNA research also revealed that there is no DNA match between Arceus and Kyogre meaning Kyogre was the child of two other Pokemon and thier existance is currently unknown. Kyogre (along with Groudon) have been proved to have started existing after Arceus trapped Palkia in the Prison of Light.
Kyogres youth was full of action and excitement as the Pokemon that are fossils today were fully alive back then and prey was easy for them to catch, Rayquaza was taking care of Groudon and Kyogre along with the very first Humans in the Pokemon world. Kyogre was playful and cute when she was small and often took all the attention people gave to her in return for allowing them to stroke and cuddle her; That is about it really.
Once Kyogre could swim in the water that was already on the planet (although there was only a small amount compared to the amount of land there was) she was given the role to expand the seas and shape them to her will so water type Pokemon could live and all beings could drink; Kyogre accepted this role and set to work immediately, bringing lots of rainfall and happiness to all the land. Groudon was set the task of shaping the continents and creating mountains (although Pokédex descriptions say Groudon expanded continents, there has to be land for there to be sea).
The Biggest Duel in History That Doesn't Involve Palkia (Or Seto Kaiba)
The Earth was now 71% water and 29% land and Groudon was happyish about the way the Earth was (according to his and Rayquaza's calculations about the amount of land/sea was needed for optimum survival) but Kyogre wanted more sea, Groudon couldn't believe he was hearing such selfishness and told Kyogre that she could not have more sea because the balance was just right; Kyogre's Rage erupted suddenly and she got very pissed off at the fact that she couldn't get her own way. Rayquaza and Groudon tried to calm her down but she cried and screamed and slapped them both so hard that they were sent flying backwards. Kyogre ignored Groudon and continued to expand the sea to her own accord, Groudon tried to expand the land back against the force of Kyogres expansion of the sea while Rayquaza tried to stop her. Kyogre was furious and screamed so loudly that she confused Rayquaza.
Groudon was stuggling against Kyogre's rage until he saw a giant boulder roll down from a mountain; he picked it up and threw it towards Kyogre in an attempt to distract her from expanding the sea and getting her to fight Groudon in a battle, but Groudon misjudged the throw and when the boulder hit Kyogre, Kyogre screamed and sank to the bottom of the sea. Realizing that he might have killed his sister, Groudon panicked and dug a tunnel deep into a volcano, Rayquaza followed and asked him what had happened, Groudon said that he had killed his sister and didn't want to show his face again in case he was hunted down by an angry mob. Rayquaza stopped and thought about the Pokepolice, surely Magnezone was scared shit of Groudon due to his 'unfortunate' electric and steel typing.
One week later
Kyogre rose up from the sea a week later to not see Rayquaza or Groudon in the immediate vicinity. She started to sneakily expand the sea again and cause huge rainstorms, this carried on for days (bitches only want what they want) and was only dealt with when Rayquaza woke up from his long sleep inside his cave, Rayquaza looked around to see the flood damage and got annoyed, he had to go through insurance proceedings in order to pay for the water damage and knew it was going to involve a lot of paperwork. Rayquaza noticed the rain coming into his cave and decided to go see outside the cave, what he saw was nothing but clear blue sea; Rayquaza cursed under his breath and went to seek out Kyogre.
Kyogre was happily playing in the sea until Rayquaza showed up to spoil her fun, Rayquaza weaved his body around Kyogre and squeezed her tight, Kyogre screamed at the thought of getting raped but instead she was lifted up into the air and dangled high over Groudon's Volcano. Kyogre screamed and cried but Rayquaza squeezed tighter, only for Kyogre to start bitching about how squeezing a body tightly causes blood flow problems and thus causing a loss in her beauty; Rayquaza didn't care much for Kyogre's ranting and dropped her into the volcano, only to catch her by the tail with his mouth, by this time Kyogre was screaming so hard that Rayquaza was actually cringing. Kyogre then started complaining about how shocks like that lead to heart attacks and loss in self confidence but Rayquaza wasn't listening, therefore Kyogre had to shout louder until he did listen. Rayquaza still didn't listen so Kyogre got angry and fired a Hydro Pump into the volcano, leading Rayquaza to shout at Kyogre in a muffled voice
"Shuff uf Giyowgw"
"I beg you pardon Rayquaza?"
"I sefv shuff uf Giyowgw"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"
"Fuvf fvuwck svayfke Giyowgw, shuff uf"
"Speak properly you bastard"
"I carnfh viwf fyor tfaiwl vin fvy vwoufh"
As this endless arguement was happening, Groudon had been rudely awakened by a shower of water, hitting him on the head, Groudon then looked around to see his lower body was completely encased in solidified magma snd he was stuck in it! Groudon tried to twist, turn, claw, smash, hammer, chainsaw, burn, screwdriver and bite his way out but it wasn't working so Groudon decided to do the last thing anyone would think of doing in a volcano, no it wasn't sex, it was one massive fart. Grtoudon charged up his fart and when it was really pressurized he let it loose...
Meanwhile, Rayquaza and Kyogre were still arguing about Rayquaza not being able to talk properly, in the end Rayquaza accidentally dropped Kyogre to speak properly and when he heard the screaming he looked down thinking 'oh, holy, fuck'; that is until the volcano exploded and sent a giant cylinder of boiling hot lava high into the air and into Kyogre (Rayquaza was only just lucky to avoid it by moving out the way in time). Kyogre screamed so hard that it was heard 100 miles away and was in so much pain that she jumped off the cylinder of lava and into the sea, where she cooled off and had a relaxing piss.
Groudon jumped out the volcano onto the reappearing land and said 'that fart was bloody delicious, I have never done something quite as proud as that loud load of gas from my freaking huge ass'. Rayquaza told Groudon to cut it out with the disgusting talk and told him to go and drag Kyogre out from the sea, Groudon jumped into the sea to see his sister and take her to land but when he got to Kyogre, Kyogre slapped Groudon in a slapping frenzy of combos that Groudon had to stop; he called for Rayquaza and Rayquaza fired his Hyper Beam at Kyogre that was so good that time slowed down and the words 'COMBO BREAKER' appeared out of nowhere. Kyogre calmed and Groudon dragged her onto land, at that moment Rayquaza told Kyogre to leave for the ancient cave at the deepest point in the sea but Kyogre was about to spit something out, she spat up a shiny blue sphere, Rayquaza stared at it and demanded Kyogre to go to the deepest part of the sea, Kyogre accepted but said she was at war with Groudon. Kyogre left for the sea and Rayquaza turned to look at Groudon, who was busting a vein for some reason. Groudon stood thier heaving for about a minute until a brown sphere came out of his arse, Groudon sat down with a sigh of relief and said that the sphere was a tricky bastard of a blockage to shove; Rayquaza didn't wan't to pick any of the two spheres up (especially the brown one) until Kyogre Hydro Pumped the Spheres and cleaned them off (as well as cleaning Groudon's arse). Rayquaza took the orbs and placed them on the top of a mountain named Mt. Pyre and Groudon went to search for a new place to sleep (and fart).
One Rude Awakening
After thousands of years encased in an underwater cave, Kyogre was running out of make-up and her lipstick was nearly empty, this meant that if she didn't get some more she would scream her head off until someone came and gave her some cosmetic beauty products (you would have thought food and water was more important instead of make-up and lipstick). Kyogre eventually got bored and decided to break out the tomb by herself so she called some Gyarados over to headbutt the rocks from the outside; once they walls had been destroyed Kyogre escaped and left the Gyarados to fight off the massive headaches they all had. So what does this section title mean by 'one rude awakening'? well you are about to find out.
Rise of a Pokeprostitute
Kyogre needed money for lipstick and other crap that is completely unnecessary for survival; she needed the money fast as well otherwise she would go around stealing stuff. Luckily for sex driven men, she could only find business in prostitution and she was earning a decent wage in no time, so decent infact that she started her own prostitution business. This was one rude awakening for all the good, hardworking people but a good awakening for curb crawlers.
Allied to Palkia
After raising massive amounts of funds, Kyogre set her sights to world domination and knew that the law were against her anyway; she found Palkia and asked if he wanted world domination. Palkia saw the opportunity to ally and said yes, for he could just destroy her if she was good. Palkia explained that he wanted to take over the universe and ultimately destroy it, but Kyogre wasn't listening to the destruction part and immediately cuddled Palkia; Palkia however grabbed Kyogre by the tail and threw her kilometres into the air shouting.
'CUDDLING IS GAY'
The whole truth is that Kyogre wants to take down Groudon but is using Palkia as a 'shield' to protect her if the worst happens and Groudon lets out his gas, Palkia knows this but he has allowed her to stay as he hasn't got time to take out some farting abomination with a liking for the summer.
In Short, Palkia is using Kyogre as a number rather than a true ally, possibly due to the fact that Palkia doesn't want Arceus or Giratina to get cocky because the do-gooders have more members on their side.
|Pokémon:||Charmander - Grue - Hyundai - Ling-Ling - Meowth - Mew - Mudkip - Pichu - Pikachu - Poliwag - Snorlax - Teh Cheat - Towelie - Wobbuffet - Torchic - Yoshi|
|People:||Ash - Brock - Herman Cain - Max - Pokemon Kid - Team Rocket|
|Locations:||Glitch City - Pokemon Island|
|Other:||Pikachusetts - Windows FireRed/LeafGreen - Anime series - 100 Worst Pokémon Cash-ins - UnNews Pokémon Indonesia Special - Christian Symbology - Pokemon card - Gotta Catch 'Em All|