LATUAULTUKA

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In Jannuary 2007, some severely retarded n00b (approximately 14 years old) spread a terrible chain mail on YouTube. This chain mail led to the death of about 3,000,000 people! Here's why:

The author of the chain mail - pretty accurate depiction! One can see the will to endull human kind (and also maybe a surpressed fart).

What is youtube?[edit]

Youtube[dot]com is a well-known place for (il)legal copyright violations as is uncyclopedia, although it's not exactly the same thing. The Olymp of the Internet, the Google-universe, bought youtube for a fist full of yen. Now Goo- ahm, youtube was sued because it is said that they (the evil programers and designers) made it difficult to detect copyright violations. Additionally, after all the warnings and calls not to do it, people still upload videos depicting their sexual organs. Rather than immediately deleting these videos, the ones in charge would download them first and THEN remove them from the database. After jerking off to nude teenagers, they go on the street and hug innocent people by pressing their bad stench emitting, dirty computer-nerd bodies against their victims. Women would scream, children would just start crying and old men would mostly end up standing there with a boner. It is said that youtube-designers bone their pets in order to achieve a higher level (eg.: lv. 38 as in Pokemon language) in order to mutate and become a Super-Pokemon. The third and last level of a youtube-designer is "Pedophilimon", often referred as "Michael-Jacksymon".

off topic now[edit]

Since you have now read all these absurd statements and ideas, you must be quite confused, pissed off maybe or an admin. Go ahead, delete me! YES DO IT!!! Delete a poor helpless article if you can take the bad conscience after you've done it! Can you live with it - knowing that you've killed a young, innocent article - unfotunately, there is no diminutive for an article, hm, would have fit here quite good - which was full of hopes and expectations until a cold, heartless person came along, claiming to have the authority, yes, the right to kill, because he/she can call herself an ADMIN??? Don't you guys have a heart or so? My god, look at me, I'm crying here... *sob* Why don't you just leave me alone, a poor article? This feels like Nazi-Deutschland, you know? Is it not enough in your eyes that they used to mark the jews with blue bonds in those days? Do you have to put {{Construction}} tags on every new article which comes into existance? *sigh* I guess there's no point in whining around anymore. You don't look very concerned to me, rather amused but not concerned, you nerd. Alright, so lets continue the introduction, shall we? *clears throat*

A variety of the original mass murder instrument. Can you realize the evil and stupifying intention in every misspelled word? Please, for your own sake, do NOT click to read the full message in its original and most devasting form - because suicide is a sin!!!

Serious again[edit]

The most famous user/contributer on youtube is lonelygirl15. Supposedly, it's no less than Sarah Jessica Parker who's hiding behind this juvenile and naiv mask. She claimed to have requested a profile out of despair, because

“A starrrr like me won't ever get a rearl maaahn ever again, coz everyone I meet goes for my money (or my tits, you decide)”

~ Sarah Jessica "Lonelygirl" Parker

".

In order to make this "brief" introduction to the most popular home-made-crap-broadcast-page even longer, I will add a few exclamation marks right after this very sentence. !!! (There you go)

The actual Chain Mail[edit]

In 1945, a young girl named Katulatakulu came over to America
in a grey boat from Africa. A mysterious man killed her by cutting
the word "LATUALATUKA" into her back. now that you have read this
message she will come to your house on a full moon and steal your
soul unless you follow these directions:
1. Retype this message as a comment for three other videos..

The Original Intent and First Draft of the Message[edit]

What only few people are aware of is that the original intent was a productive and good willing hint on not using Microsoft OS anymore. It was

Microsoft Involved[edit]

Bill Gates (although still being tired of playing the chairman of Microsoft Corp. for years already) came to the n00bs house on a full moon night and stole his/her apple notebook and soul. Then Gates brainwashed the noob by telling him/her to try surfing the web with Microsoft Internet Exploder. Now it was easy for him to force him/her to retype the message and post it on 3 other comment pages. But practically it's still the n00bs fault, because Gates didn't influence the content of the message!

Another notable detail is that Gates still had the time to order another bunch of viruses which are able to infiltrate Windows OS by using obvious safety gaps. Gates verified that there is an extra section of employed hackers working for Microsoft. Security gaps, mmmmm, they're so tasty!

“Yeah, it's all true! So what! Try to rename a folder to "con", you asshole! Haha! That's what it's all about! HARHARHAR! See?”

~ Bill "Nuts" Gates on his contribution and influence on the famous "January chain mail"

Draft #1[edit]

So this draft was never to be posted anywhere. Bill "Smooch" Gates however wrote it down. The MI5 found all the information gathered here in his diary. Some pages were destroyed or completely glued together by semen (DNA test running). Gates even wrote transcribed internet links in blue ink! Jackson, the main accuser of the case (formerly known for sueing Nazis in Nürnberg), tried to sue him for being an accessory to murder but Gates payed a bribe (4,5 billion US$ - he had 'em in his pocket).

(Source: "Bill 'badass' Gates - diary 2006/2007", rororo, Germany):

In 1945, Adolf Hitler, a young girl (1), came over to America
in a pink boat from Tomania. A mysterious cat killed her by cutting
the word "Judensau" and "Ich habe mit den roten Schweinen paktiert" into her back.
Now that you have a headache because of reading this
she will cum on you on a full moon and steal your rare Mussolini-vine
unless you follow these directions:
1. Retype the entire Windows source code and understand why it's such a bunch'o shit..

1. description of Adolf Hitler by Jim Morrison.

The Catastrophe[edit]

The real message was so hideously stupid and clichéd that, according to CNN, 3,000,000 died with the following symptoms:

One of the victims. Many readers instantly committed suicide. For the rest there was hardly a place left in the mental hospitals all over the Third-Reich.
  • In the first 30 minutes the terribly itching rash that victims experienced all over their bodies lost its effect.
  • After that, they became schizophrenic (most of them complained about a girl with a message carved into her ugly back). They also became extremely aggressive and a danger to others, paranoid, moody (like three times as moody as a woman going through an extreme case of PMS.) and some of them even developed Tourettes Syndrome.
  • Then, so it was told, many of the infected began eating and nagging away at their own hands. Some of them were still able to explain the reason for this. In most of the cases they said that it's the best to inflict pain to oneself in order to forget this insufferable message. Most of them died in this state.
  • However, some of them survived. After three days of self-chosen isolation, their heads exploded.

The Shithead Who Started It[edit]

A sighting of the brain-penetrating-and-slowly-decreasing-brain-mass n00b was reported by an eloquent huffed kitten on January 15th. The kitten was able to provide a detailed description of the n00bs appearance. Afterwards, the image on the top of the article was created. If anyone (yeah, in Sovjet-Russia, anyone means YOU!) sees that retarded bastard/esse, he or she may kill him/her/whatever at once! Actually, it's better if you torture that dumbass first, then kill him.

His mommy won't cry, I promise.

Names and AKAs of the Shithead[edit]

  • somegayfurfag69
  • nerd267
  • ROFL104454583
  • BillhasFuckinggreatSEX16
  • superDude6780
  • YourAdvertisementHere
  • BadAssMotherfuckerTheReal
  • John980
  • YourMomOnAcidsuckinganApesASS
  • 13AndWillingtododoubleanal
  • HornyBoyNextDoor2cumon
  • Meat4U
  • TheNobody-likes-himSmartassEveryClassHas34
  • MyErectionIsFirmWhenISeeOscarWilde
  • xxxIShitOutGumDropsxxx
  • AAA
  • urmom

(Help Uncyclopedia solve this crime! Add AKAs you heard of in connection with this! Do NOT add real usernames, you nerd! Yeah, YOU!!!)

Motives[edit]

The infantile author of this chain mail was obviously intent on mass murder. He or she knew exactly that it would stupify millions of YouTubers instantly.

Some officials say that this specific crime should be treated equally as mass murder.


Conclusion[edit]

Mankind will learn little but at least SOMETHING from this terrible tragedy. Just like after 1945, chain mails will be demonized and rejected like the swastika or the Hitler-greeting. We know that the victims and their relations will never forget this devastating time and even a whole generation will be reminded of it by the millions of victims - but time heals all wounds. We will get us a new Hitler so that things like that will never occur again...

The World After Latalukatulkululmao[edit]

Obviously, the so-called youtube-community (that everyone is talking about) has learned to deal with Latualatuka-like chain mails. As in the tradition of Uncyclopedia, the satirical point of view (SPOV) became an appropriate method or philosophy or technique (or other synonyms) for dealing with the impact of Talufakatula. The following example shows HowTo do it:

“PLEASE READ THIS! In 2007 a person read a chain letter talking about a person who died of Anorexia. The chain letter stated that if the person didn't comment with it on 5 videos he would too fall victim. He didn't. You're an arse hole. Shut up.”

~ random youtuber on Haikulatukta

If you happen to meet an upset youtube-user, be sure to give him or her a hug: After 19/45, they will need gestures like that the most ... A kitten will thank you for it.

See also[edit]