Laird Hamilton
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“Sometimes I scream at the Ocean, 'Is THAT the best you can do?' - but so far the ocean hasn't taken the bait!”
~ Laird Hamilton
Laird Hamilton (born Laird “Laird Hamilton” Hamilton on March 2, 1964 in Surfer Magazine) is a complete and total fucking suicidal maniac big-wave surfer and co-inventor of the auto-erotic-surfication-device (techi name for water-wanking machine that turns flat ocean into giant waves).
Laird is an experimental prototype of a secret "Hobie" project looking to create the "perfect surfing machine" - they are still using Laird to "push the limits" to try and discover where the limits are. Tests of the Hamilton droid have so far demonstrated that, for Laird, there is NO freakin' limit. The limits only lay with the Ocean, which can hardly satisfy the adrenalin junkie Hamilton has become.
Hamilton is noted as the only professional surfer who has NEVER had a single wipe-out, which is a good thing since he never bothered learning how to swim.
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[edit] Personal life
In his teens and early adult life, Hamilton was known for a violent temper, destructive friendships, and frequent public outbursts, including public nudity, urination, and mailing pubic hair to enemies and friends alike. Right from childhood he was an incredible dare-devil - and he once jumped off the edge of the World just for the hell of it. Entering fatherhood and approaching death seems to have mellowed Hamilton's personality. Nowadays if Laird has a bad mood he just goes and beats the shit out of the ocean at Banzai Pipeline, which causes global warming. The best way to cool down the planet is to keep Hamilton in a good mood. Bearing in mind that he IS a prototype, there is only ONE freakin' Laird Hamilton, and just remember... "we all love you! (you crazy motherfucker!)"
[edit] Surfer Magazine
Like Alfred E. Neuman is the founder and editor for life of Mad Magazine, ditto for Laird Hamilton and Surfer Magazine which was originally founded by God, or somethin’. Even though Surfer Magazine ranks Hamilton as the greatest surfer in the Solar System, yet he has never entered any surfing contest for fear of winning. The truth is that no surfing contest ever had the guts to enter Laird Hamilton. Laird doesn't compete, he just has to pose while the ocean moves under him. Laird doesn't ride waves 50 times better than you, but he DOES ride waves 50 times BIGGER than you.
[edit] Baddest Wave Ridden
“Oh My GOD” was the title of a famous Surfer Magazine cover shot showing Tahiti’s gutsy Teahupo’o risking it’s life by surfing Laird Hamilton. "Which one is it?" you ask!? "It's the one that says, 'Bad Motherfucker', Ringo! And I ain't talkin' 'bout water."
[edit] Biggest Wave Ridden
Hamilton holds the title for biggest wave rider when he conquered Cortez 100 miles off Dana Point. The wave was so big that he took off on his 23rd birthday, started dropping-in, and had already turned 26 by the time he reached the bottom. This amazing ride lasted 3.2 years making it the longest ride in history.
[edit] Religious Views
While other surfers pray for surf, Hamilton prays for a force 16 earthquake off Hawaii that will generate a 16 mile high tsunami. In absence of earthquake Laird alternately prays for an asteroid to strike the earth creating a 34 mile high wave of molten lava that will circle the globe. The very thought of the later gives Laird a "woody" (and we don't mean a surf-van either). In fact, Laird has a special asbestos surf-board ready for the occasion. Basically Laird's religion is HUGE Surfism. Apart from this, Laird is in a jam: he heard that in heaven the ocean is flat and cold, but in hell the water is warm with 1,000 meter waves. Decisions, decisions...!
[edit] Water-breaking Legal Case
Once Laird Hamilton accidentally wiped-out, he sued the Pacific Ocean in the Court of Neptune… and won! The wipe-out was retracted and expunged from his otherwise perfect record. Ken Starr, representing Hamilton, contended that, "A kook on a jet-ski caused the 'bowl' to collapse, thus unduly ruining a perfect ride!". Verdict: Neptune ruled that kooks be outlawed. Because the wipe-out was deleted from his record, Laird's 'surfing insurance' rate was unaffected.
[edit] Laird Hamilton Facts
- Laird Hamilton doesn’t get “tubed” – Tubes get “Hamiltoned”
- Laird Hamilton can kick-out and drop-in at the same time.
- Laird Hamilton wishes Mount Everest was made of warm water.
- In Soviet Russia, "The Tube rides Laird Hamilton!"
- If there is a Force 16 earth-quake off Hawaii resulting in a 3000 meter wave, Laird Hamilton would be the only person ‘stoked’.
- Laird Hamilton doesn’t need BIG waves to look good – BIG waves need Laird Hamilton.
- If Laird Hamilton says the “North Shore” is the “South Shore” - then it's safe to paddle out.
- Jagged-reefs have a fear of crashing into Laird Hamilton.
- If Laird Hamilton ever rescues you from the jaws-of-death, you can thank your lucky “Laird Hamilton”.
- Q: Why is Laird Hamilton so bloody GOOD? A: The Devil pawned his soul to Laird Hamilton.
- When it comes to surfing, the ONLY goddamn way you can look at it is Laird Hamilton being Laird Hamilton.
- “GUTS” have a lot of Laird Hamilton to do what he does.
- Once Brad Pitt & Tom Cruise went to a plastic surgeon and said, “Make us look like Laird Hamilton!” - "IMPOSSIBLE!" was the reply.
- Q: Why have their never been any terror attacks in Hawaii? A: Laird Hamilton.
- If Laird Hamilton misspells the word “Sirfing” – your dictionary is wrong.
[edit] Watch the Pacific Ocean Ride Laird Hamilton
[edit] Also see
[edit] External links
- Laird Hamilton's Myspace page
- Laird Hamilton's Web Site
- http://www.juicemagazine.com/lairdhamilton.html
- http://www.tvguide.com/celebrities/laird-hamilton/bio/161151
- Laird Hamilton at the Internet Movie Database
- The famous Surfer magazine cover of Laird Hamilton riding The Wave at Teahupoo, 17 August 2000
- Another set of photographs of Laird Hamilton riding The Wave at Teahupoo, 17 August 2000, by Tim McKenna
- Laird Hamilton profiled on clubofthewaves.com
- Surfer magazine interview
