Lalla Ward

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“She's bigger on the inside! ;)”

~ Tom Baker on Lalla Ward

Lalla Mary Tamm Ward is a Time Lord from Gallifrey posing as an English actress married to an atheist. She has been married as many times as she has regenerated - about 18 times, the extra five regenerations are owed to an anti-aging cream. Using her diabolical Time Lord intellect, she uses her human zoologist puppet to spread evil propaganda about the nonexistence of God. For more information on The God Delusion, see Doctor Who episode 5, Season 18 "I Have No Arse, But I Must Fart" written by Douglas Harlan Bester.

Astrological Sign[edit]

Sun Sign: Sam Harris

Moon Sign: Bertrand Russell

The Key to Time[edit]

Lalla was just finishing her final exams at the Time Lord Academy when The White Guardian - an entity who deluded himself into thinking he's God - teleported her aboard Tom Baker's TARDIS. The White Guardian set Lalla and Tom on a quixotic quest (See: Alliteration!) to find and reunite the scattered fragments of the Key to Time - a prototype of Erno Rubik's famous puzzle cube. If they were not capable of assembling it and solving it before the end of season 18, the universe would be forever trapped in a recursive loop that would replay the 1970's over and over again.

Lalla endured one of the greatest challenges a female Gallifreyan could possibly endure: Sexual harassment at the workplace. Time and again she had to evade Tom Baker's advances, ignore his goggle-eyed leering and the rude sexual gestures he made with his long scarf. During the Key to Time quest, Lalla did all the grunt work while Tom capered around unsuspecting passersby and made bizarre grunting noises. When the fragments of the first ever Rubik's Cube were reassembled and solved, Lalla and Tom sat around waiting for something to happen. After a bit, they both realized the White Guardian was taking the piss at their expense. They placed the Rubik's cube in the custody of Pinhead the Cenobite, who ran around claiming it was the gateway to hell. Tom Baker walked away from the experience convinced they had done a great service for the universe, while Lalla Ward slowly began to suspect that the cosmos was suffering from a vast and insidious... DELUSION. Cue theme and time tunnel FX, roll credits.

The Parting of the Ways[edit]

Still held hostage aboard Tom Baker's TARDIS, Lalla endured being dragged from one idiotic adventure to another. These included combatting a species of crazed genocidal dustbins (See: Daleks), alien vampires (See: The Vampire Lestat), fighting their way through a script written by Douglas Adams, and stopping Julian Glover from destroying the universe by selling forged copies of the Mona Lisa (See: General Veers). Getting bored shitless by all the pointless gallivanting and longing to gain some life experience on her own, she decided that the only way she was going to shake off Tom Baker was to literally put a whole universe between them. Lalla loudly demanded she be let off at the nearest wormhole leading to E-Space. Tom Baker, suffering from the delusion that Lalla was in love with him and his long scarf (See: Euphemism) offered his hand in marriage. Furious, Lalla kicked him square in his sonic screwdriver before she left for E-Space. Meanwhile, Tom Baker's injury forced him to regenerate into Peter Davison.


One day in E-Space, Lalla checked her E-mail to catch up with recent goings on in Normal Space (N-Space). She discovered that the Time Lords were embroiled in a war over the mastery of time with the Daleks. Lalla hated the Daleks. She also hated the Time Lords. She hoped they would kill each other, pompous bastards that they were. She yawned, poured herself some tea, and invited Princess Leia over for crumpets.

I Married an Earthling from Outer Space![edit]

While vacationing at a beach resort on the planet Magrathea, Lalla struck up a friendly conversation with Richard Dawkins - who was originally on a cycling tour of Madagascar, then made a wrong turn and wound up in E-Space. Lalla was taken with Dawkins' soft-spoken charm and frothing hatred of religion. Dawkins, being a zoologist, was eager to have an interspecies sex encounter with a real live alien chick. He succeeded in talking Lalla into giving him a ride back to N-Space in her TARDIS.

After a year of dating and having multispecies orgies at the Galapagos Islands, Lalla and Dawkins finally publicly announced they would get married. When the Archbishop of Canterbury forbade an interspecies marriage on English soil, Lalla and Dawkins had a civil ceremony aboard the top-secret UNIT helicarrier Valiant. Captain Jack Harkness of Torchwood presided as minister. An awkward incident occurred during the ceremony when David Tennant burst in uninvited. He began babbling about the Time War, the Time Lords becoming an endangered species and flashing his long multicoloured scarf (See: Euphemism) at the bride to be. "You've got to mate with me," Tennant bawled at Lalla, "We're the only ones left! No! NO! Don't TASE me bro!" David Tennant was tasered by Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart of UNIT and carried off to the brig. Richard Dawkins and Lalla Ward were pronounced husband and wife.

Unweaving the Rainbow and Annoying the Neighbors[edit]

In order to avoid further awkward encounters with David Tennant, Christopher Eccleston, Peter Davison, Patrick Troughton or any of Tom Baker's multiple personalities, Lalla Ward decided to disguise herself as a human being by zapping herself with the Chaemeleon Arch in her TARDIS. Lalla also had her name legally changed to Romana, while Dawkins changed his to Damien Thorn. Lalla, Richard, Romana and Damien now live happily in the cottage of Bron-Y-Aur (Lalla's TARDIS in disguise) in the Welsh countryside. There they take leisurely walks and poke fun at the local vicar while he's in earshot. Their favourite past time includes sneaking inside the local Anglican Church and defiling the host while Lalla dresses up in clerical drag and fires off a mock-rant about the evils of cross-dressing.