Lara Bingle

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Recognize her?

“So who the bloody hell is she?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lara Bingle

“Is that a roll of coins in your pocket or are you just happy to see me??”

~ Lara Bingle everytime she meets a guy

Who is Lara Bingle? No really, who is she?

Honestly, no one really knows. The world may recognize her as that mildly hot chick at the end of that Australian tourism ad, but it seems that this Lara Bingle is in fact a media hoax created by the Australian government to really annoy its people!

Sequence of events[edit]

The ad[edit]

As the advertising campaign first came to attention in 2006, nobody cared that the girl used such a minor expletive as "bloody hell" in the commercial, which was why it annoyed Australians terribly as all their media started covering the anxious lead-up to its unveiling to the world, the moral controversies, and possible audience reaction and confusion of its over-Australianism.

Aussie reporter: So what do you think of the ad?
Foreigner:       Meh.
Aussie reporter: But the girl said "bloody hell"; touches a nerve, doesn't it?
Foreigner:       I said, meh.
Aussie reporter: Or maybe it's too Australian? Do you think it will confuse the world audience when
                 they watch it?
Foreigner:       Can you leave me alone, now?
Aussie reporter: Makes you wonder how cheeky we are, us Aussies, yeah? And smart, too.
Aussie viewers:  Oh, my God...

The show[edit]

Needless to say, it was further annoying when the Australian population tuned in to their favorite TV program, Dancing with the Stars, to suddenly find this Lara Bingle dancing about their screens. The fact that the girl danced so well for a model stirred suspicions firstly as to if she really was the same unco girl as in that tourism commercial. At any rate, they managed to vote her out of the show in record time.

The suit[edit]

"I am so defamed."

If you thought the government was going to let them off so easily, you thought wrong - that's assuming the government was behind it. The next stage was the staple lawsuit (that got more than its fair share of publicity) against the lads' mag Zoo Weekly for publishing "defamatory" and annoyingly hot photographs of her, which was weird since she wanted them taken in the first place.

The photos[edit]

Before the case even got much further, another annoying blow to the Australian people was delivered as its helpless perverts rushed to the German GQ Magazine website to look at naked underaged photographs of Lara allegedly posted on its website. How irritating it must have been to find that they were "taken down" due to server overloading. By now, suspicion has risen quite highly that there never were any naked underaged photos of Lara in the first place; a new suspicion was also spawned here that Lara Bingle may not even exist.

Zoo Weekly, the magazine that most Australians generally agree exists, has decided to use the alleged fact that she had those photos taken for their case against this now existentially elusive woman. It was easy for them to think that if she exists, then the evidence would help them; if she didn't exist, there was no case. But either way, they too have been terribly annoyed.

The scandals[edit]

The last place that the Lara Bingle entity had yet to infect was Australian sport, and so wasn't it a big surprise to see two big scandals with two big men in the two big Aussie sports of footy and cricket. Carlton footballer Brendan Fevola was first up to be embroiled in the sex scandal all over the media leading to the breakdown of his marriage. This was understandably annoying for Fevola. Cricketer Michael Clarke too had to let his childhood sweetheart go with the media linking him to Bingle, also.

Two scandals at the same time? People didn't think so. That was way too conveniently annoying. Something was up. Despite people not caring about her, many blokes admit to having a picture of her and absolutely thrashing themselves over her. Its called 'i like to wank over bingle". But seriously go slow at the start and just think about fucking her, then when the sperm is rising just pump as hard as u can. So i'll talk 2 u later, im going into the shower now, for some reason.

Hoax to be revealed?[edit]

Assuming Lara Bingle really doesn't exist, Australians have been catching on to this little detail and are theorizing that this is all a big hoax perpetrated by none other than the Australian government to annoy the hell - in fact, the bloody hell - out of them.

Guess who!

As the then Prime Minister John Howard prepared to, too, be voted out by the nation, some have heard of talk that when his time comes, Howard will announce resposibility for this undertaking. The man's lips has since remained sealed since he left office, but the Rudd government is expected to uncover the whole plot from deep within the super-secret Aussie government files. Fragmented news has predicted that when Lara Bingle is finally announed fake, her very purpose-built android will be on for auction for whatever sick perversions the buyer has in mind. Some sources even tell of an entire production line of Lara Bingle anrdroids for retail sale after the Prime Minister's announcement so that every household will have a Lara in them.

As news coverage start to go crazy over this possibility, no doubt our hearts are with the Australian people who have to endure their torment of annoyance that Bingle continues to elicit from beyond the grave.

Replacement[edit]

The official word is that Lara Bingle is being "replaced" as the face of Australian tourism in response to the scandals surrounding her as well as for the failed campaign to bring more tourists in (which costed a suspiciously big AU $180 million). The campaign had seemingly backfired as the tourists were smart enough to tell a fair dink annoying Aussie from the typical one.

This time, the tourism board thinks they've got it figured out, maximizing Aussie annoyance and minimizing tourism deterrence with...

Bindi Irwin.

Good God.

Even More Offensive Tourism Advertising[edit]

1) fuck australia's fucking great so why the fuck aren't you here motherfuckers?
2) Get your fucking arse to Australia dickheads and fuck Lara Bingle's pussy hard as you can that she won't be able to walk properly 3) Australia: The anus of the world. Come plug us!

See Also[edit]