Las Vegas
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“Whatever, I'll go there once.”
~ <insert name here> on Vegas
“Yabba Dabba Doooooooo!.”
~ Fred Flintstone on Vegas
“LETS GO TO VEGAS!.”
~ Your Friend on Vegas
“Las Vegas: Where stupid people lose loads of money!”
~ Council of Las Vegas on Vegas
“I'll talk about it 'outside' of Vegas.”
~ Jack Bauer on Vegas
Las Vegas is a bustling city located in Clark County, Nevada, that was founded on the murder of Mo Green by Freddo "Don" Corlione. After Joe Pesci had his way it is now the largest city in the state of Nevada, and dry as tits. Las Vegas is widely recognized as a cultural, financial and culinary capital of the United States. It is also famous for its abundance of hookers (though prostitution is illegal), casinos, and being the setting of CSI (though the show is not actually taped there).
Located within the metropolitan area of Las Vegas are Nellis Air Force Base, UNLV, McCarran airport, Wayne Newton, Lance Burton, and many other uninteresting things and people. The city of Las Vegas is also impossible to tell apart from the adjacent cities and communities, Summerlin, Hendertucky, and North Las Vegas, which all form to make the Las Vegas Valley or Las Vegas Metropolitan Area, which is the largest growing metropolitan area in the world with over 50,000 people moving in per month. Despite this, there are still more cacti than people.[1]
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[edit] History
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While the history of Las Vegas has long been shrouded in a drunken haze, it has recently been determined that the city was founded by a group of balls-out Mormon settlers. William Bringhurst and his group of Mormon missionaries, after being forcibly removed from an amusement park in nearby California, threatened to go build their own, with blackjack and hookers. "Las Vegas" (which ironically in Spanish means "Land of Blackjack and Hookers") was the site they chose for this new park. It remained an amusement park from 1856 to 1905, when it was mistaken for a town by railroad companies and was immediately instated as such.[2]
[edit] People
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The main attraction of Las Vegas is some top bloke called Threshold "Jebadiah" Threshold, who deals Craps, Bakarah and various other games at Threshold's Palace, one of the main gaming establishments on the Strip. Everyone there worships him on a daily basis, playing homage to his skill by sacrificing one citizen every noon.
According to the US Census Bureau, Las Vegas is one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the country. It has a large Middle Eastern population, centered around the Alladin, Luxor and Caesar's Palace districts of Las Vegas. The Sahara is located on the outskirts of Las Vegas and is the ancestral home of the area's nomadic casino-worker population. The city's European heritage is showcased in its Venetian, Bellagio and Paris districts.
Las Vegas is also home to many powerful celebrities including singers Gomer Pyle, Wayne Newton, Elvis, the Dion Quintuplets and other members of the "Immortal Six of Death".
Every weekend, many attractive young women from Los Angeles descend on Las Vegas in the hopes of meeting a nice boy from the Midwest to start a family. They are generally at the craps tables wearing tight tops and stiletto heels.
Most guys who spend time in Las Vegas tend to have an overinflated self-image, generally believing that simply by being there and throwing most of their meager fortunes around, which 95% of them can ill afford to do, makes them interesting and/or cool. Hot chicks find this hilarious.
[edit] Activities & Locals
- Main Article: Crime
Las Vegas is one of the few places in the U.S. where gambling and, more controversially, Elvis impersonation, are not only legal but are actively encouraged and practised by visitors and locals alike. Many of the locals came to Las Vegas for vacation or honeymoon, and decided to stay there and make it their life's work to win their money back. To many locals, the city is affectionately known as "Lost Wages".
Las Vegas is a place generally feared by most people, including locals. This is because it is overrun by convention visitors, and if you are not careful they can attack. Or if you are even more unlucky they can sit around sipping cocktails and not offer you any. Las Vegas city bylaws dictate that each hotel in the city must at at all times be hosting at least one convention.
The local minor league baseball team, the Las Vegas 51s (named after Area 51 which isn't even near the city of Las Vegas; formerly the "Las Vegas Stars") haven't won a game in seven years. You'd be surprised to know that there are very few fans of the team within the city of Las Vegas.[3]
Drugs, drive-bys, and car jackings are extremely popular activities and a part of North Las Vegas culture. Despite popular belief, prostitution is actually illegal within Clark County, though like the illegal activities of drugs, drive-bys, and car jacking, it is still very popular.
[edit] Climate
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Las Vegas is one of the only places in the world where it is possible to have a heat stroke just by opening a window. From the middle of May to the end of October there is a Severe Heat Index, which means if you are not black or Latino your skin will melt off within five minutes of stepping outside. Luckily, the whole entire town is either black or Latino.
Las Vegas seasons are atypical. Example:
Your winter: About three months, 10-30 degrees. Snow and wind, the usual. Vegas winter: About seven weeks, 70-75 degrees. A city wide alarm sounds if the temperature dips below 65, because that must mean a nuclear winter. Locals are strongly advised to wear sufficient protective clothing, including a parka and snow boots.
Your spring: About three months, 70-80 degrees. Nice sunshine, the occasional breeze, some clouds. Vegas spring: Non-existent. There is a short intermission between 'winter' and the seven months of summer. [Ditto with fall.]
Summer in Las Vegas consists of three phases: Low Summer [March - May], High Summer [June -August], and a Still Freaking Hot But At Least It's Not July Summer [September - October] There is no weather forecast in Las Vegas for a good portion of the year, because once it passes 110 there is no need anymore for numbers. Don't listen to the phrase 'At least it's just a dry heat'- you will be already soaking from your own sweat when you get up out of bed.
Las Vegans, as they call them, are actually a separate species that has evolved to live without water for months. This is because there is no water in the middle of the desert [surprise!] and the Water District [see: Axis of Evil] charges more for a bucket of water than your mortgage.
[edit] Architecture
There are many places in Las Vegas made to look like the places which they really are, only smaller. Before America's intellectual property laws were strengthened, many foreign cities appropriated timeless architectural landmarks from Las Vegas which they now call their own. Prominent examples of this are a sleepy town in France which erected a structure it calls the Eiffel Tower in imitation of the imposing tower in Las Vegas' Paris district, and a village in Egypt which copied pyramids and sphinxes from the Aladdin, Luxor and Caesar's Palace districts of Las Vegas.
The city's New York, New York Casino was bombed on September 11th, 2001 by disgruntled craps players, but a newer and better casino has now been built in its place. An oversize memorial slot machine has been built at the epicenter of the explosion.
[edit] Culture
Las Vegas is also haven for intellectuals and nerds from all around the world as it serves as a crossroad for new ideas and a melting point for various philosophical schools. Many different languages are spoken in the cosmopolitan city and at 'the Strip' you can hear e.g. Californian, Coloradian, Arizonan and New Mexican. Today, Las Vegas even has a school to support all the intellectual exchange that takes place in the vibrant city.
[edit] Vegan cuisine
Las Vegas is famed for its buffets, McFastfood, and, obviously, for its world-renowned Vegan cuisine. The baked and marinated tofu and tempeh dishes are especially popular with tourists and locals alike at the city's numerous and well-priced buffets.
[edit] Music
The renowed Las Vegas Symphony Orchestra (LVSO) plays during summer months Tuesday to Thursdays at the Stratosphere Tower, except when she is ill, her baby is ill, or when she is visiting her parents in Baltimore.
The city is known for its relationship with Elvis, where Elvis was born, raised, and died.
[edit] Education
The city of Las Vegas is part of the Clark County School District, which operates over 200 schools in the Las Vegas area. Because of the absence of state taxes (which are replaced by gambling taxes and aren't exclusive to funding education like state taxes), the city's education is absolute crap. Students write with chisels and stone tablets which they are required to carry to and from school in thick leather backpacks. Unfortunately, this isn't funny, because it's probably true.
[edit] Popular children's game in Las Vegas elementary schools
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[edit] Problems
- Main Article:
Lots. As everyone knows, it never rains in Las Vegas. Also, Las Vegas is the fastest growing metropolitan area in the USA. As a result, by 2008 Las Vegas is expected to have a population of two million. This has already, unfortunately, resulted in water shortages. The whole city has already gone into a general Panic! At the Casino about the lack of water, which is a result of the dried up bucket of sand near Henderson known as Lake Mead.
Las Vegas is entirely owned by the Mob.[4] City mayor Oscar B. Goodman was formerly an attorney for the Italian Mafia. Goodman, an extremely awesome guy, once stated to a 4th grader that he would bring a bottle of gin when asked what he would bring if stranded on a desert island. How awesome is that?![5]
Poverty is also a major problem in Las Vegas. The streets are littered with vagrants who lost all their money at the slot machines. Ghettos and homeless camps can be found in all parts of the city. Bums in Las Vegas are a special breed, as most of them used to be wealthy or middle-class individuals. As such, they are willing to do anything for a bit of money. If one approaches you, throw your money on the ground and run, lest you wish to be stabbed repeatedly.
[edit] Did you know?
- Las Vegas has a hell alot of Asian people, Black people, Mexicans, Italians, Armenians, Jews, Mormons, Redneck People and Canadians? But don't worry, Californians will outnumber them soon, usually the Brown ones.
- There are approximately 7 trade shows and fairs in Las Vegas each day and every American business man (and woman) is required to participate in at least one of these events every year.
- Las Vegas is home to the most open-minded and contact-seeking women in the world. This can be seen from the fact that every time you return to your parked car at least one of them has left you her contact details!
- That Nevada (with Las Vegas) and California have a reversed legal system, meaning what's illegal in Calfornia (everything) is legal in Nevada (everything). Many observers believe that this has sparked the old saying "Well, at least it's not as boring as California."
- That that for every dollar lost in this black hole, there is .0005 people in the United States?
- Talk radio crank Art Bell lives out in the desert town known as Pah-rump (or was it Bump-bang-crash?) but everyone moved there and he needs to go further into the desert, closer to Area 51.
- Generally speaking, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...unless it's herpes.
- "Hi, I'm from Utah" is prostitute code for "I am a whore, how much do you pay?"
- Scottish-American 1980s pop-singer Sheena Easton owns Las Vegas outright and regularly extorts money under threat of death, from many of the city's citizens and businesses "because she can". Numerous venues regularly allow Easton to perform her easy-listening dirges in a trade-off for their safety.
[edit] Sister cities
Las Vegas has several sister cities:
Fallujah, Iraq
Chernobyl, Ukraine
Oświęcim, Poland
Hiroshima, Japan
- Atlantic City, New Jersey, United States
[edit] Citations
- ↑ Sad, but true.
- ↑ The Mormons then took their amusement park to Utah, which was later mistaken for a state.
- ↑ Or at all actually.
- ↑ As proven in that movie, Casino, starring Robert De Niro.
- ↑ Very.
[edit] See also
