Latymer Upper School

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The new Latymer logo: laughable, pseudo-modern, poorly-conceived piece of crap, or just misunderstood?

Latymer Upper School is a creepy, social-climbing independent school in London, England, which desperately clings to its little pretenses, like the word 'Latymerian' (à la Etonian and Harrovian) and the buttock-clenchingly embarrassing annual 'Founder's Day' and 'Prize-Giving'.


In 1624, a wealthy puritan, Edward Latymer, pledged on his death-bed to educate and feed eight poor boys of Hammersmith. The school's governors, therefore, can feel proud that they have maintained the spirit of Latymer's philanthropy, today educating 1,100 rich boys of Chiswick for £16,000 per annum, food extra.

Modern Times[edit]

The school's current Headmaster is Peter Winter, who, arriving at the school in 2002, brought with him a draconian attitude to discipline, a series of speeches so balls-achingly boring that the sight of pupils' corpses swinging gently in the corridors, suspended on the end of their own ties, is now commonplace, and a series of pseudo-modern 'developments', including the farce that is the new, dumbed-down Latymer crest, and the eye-gougingly ugly sunshade, 'the Sail' [sic], taking pride of place in the new 'Piazza'.

Sport at Latymer isn't particularly interesting either. With its strategic position on the Thames, the school offers good facilities for rowing. Unfortunately, there appears, at present, to be a lack of sad, sociopathic young men looking to spend more of their free time getting wet with other other sweaty young men in lycra to take advantage of them.

The school also teaches many other sporting and extra-curricular activities, but no-one seems to have noticed.

Famous ex-Students (excluding Hugh Grant)[edit]

Famous ex-Latymerians include Alan Rickman, Mel Smith and, er, Hugh Grant. There are also several ex-Latymerian sporting 'celebrities' who you won't have heard of, so stop pretending you care.

Useless Information[edit]

A, if not the, highlight of school life is the long-running, unofficial, satirical magazine 'The Brief' that is published roughly once per half-term. The magazine has quite a large cult following within the school, but unfortunately only has a small print-run.

External Linkages[edit]