Lawn Nazi

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The common lawn nazi Fertiliser ad nauseum can be found in most urban and suburban neighborhoods around the world but seem to have adapted particularly well in mid-latitudes of North America. The lawn nazi is a bipedal, mammalian with little or no fur on top if its head, (some researchers have speculated that this trait may be what give the lawn nazi impetus do go about doing what it does, as if in compensation). The average lawn nazi will be dormant in the fall and winter months but comes out of hibernation soon after the last snow has melted. Best viewed in their natural habitat, a careful viewer will be able to note several interesting behaviours quickly and with great ease.

• The preening of the yard. As everyone who has a yard with trees knows, one must pick up large twigs and branches that have blown off of trees in the near vicinity. This will take several minutes to an hour for most people with an average lot. Not so the lawn nazi! This busy monkey will spend countless hours, often working until well into the night, enlisting the help of its young, ceaselessly going over every square centimeter of lawn until there is nary a toothpick sized shaving anywhere near its lodge.

• The spreading of the stuff. While young, tender grass shoots tentatively poke their new growths into the early spring air lawn nazis will be in the cave-like portions of their lodges, mixing up noxious brews of foul smelling chemicals and composts. This is quickly followed by a dance to ensure a good harvest. During the dance the lawn nazi will make sure each and every blade of grass is given a heaping helping of this brew.

• The mourning time. About two days after the frenzied dance comes the period known as "Next time I'll go easy." During this time lawn nazi can be seen moping about their territory endless kicking at the now brown and lifeless grass plants, trying to revive them with encouragements and even prayers to whatever deity a lawn nazi can think of. This is the safest time to approach a lawn nazi as they are distracted by the near death experience of their lawns.

• The First Cut is the Deepest. Three weeks after the mourning time the now jubilant lawn nazi takes to the first fruits harvest with wild abandon. No less than 12 different tools will be used to edge, cut, weed, pick, pinch, cut, prune, gather and bag. Lawn nazis who had a particularly bad mourning time will likely be awake before the birds begin singing, busily preparing for the day's festivities. Several passes with several differing machines will ensure a good harvest.

• True colours. Typically, by the first days of May dandelions appear with their bright yellow blossoms, CARE MUST BE TAKEN when observing the lawn nazi during this time as the pollen sets them off in a wild attempt to eradicate the dandelion DNA from the face of the Earth. People neighboring the now frenzied lawn nazi live in fear of being cornered and forced to yank every single, last tentacle of the two foot-long roots of each and every dandelion or risk the wrath of the enraged lawn nazi.

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