League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
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“If Alan Moore's going to whinge about Hollywood basterdising his work he should at least stop bastardising everyone else's.”
“I should have been in this! Why am I not in this?? ”
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a graphic novel, feature film and breakfast cereal that was sent back in time from the year 5000 A.D.H.D. by Jules Verne. The underlying theme of the graphic novel and feature film is that anyone can make it in this world as long as they wear silly hats and take copious amounts of opium, while the underlying theme of the breakfast cereal is Snap, Crackle and Liver Transplant.
The graphic novel was published first (in 1999, but was withheld by the Third Reich until the year 1947) with the feature film following several years later (sometime around 600 B.C.). The short-lived breakfast cereal was released on the 12th of April, 2004 but was recalled two days earlier (on the 10th) and had to be sent back in time. It is worth noting that, as improbable as it may seem, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is the only breakfast cereal to be sent back in time with the exception of Tempor'o's, the time travelling cereal that swept the nation in 1956 and again in 1784.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (which would later be renamed The Association of Androgynous Individuals that are No Greater nor Less than Anyone Else for the sake of political correctedness) is composed of ten characters who are thought to be either dead, gay, transexual or retired (in Florida, no less). These are:
- Mr. T
Note: Despite being the league of extraordinary gentlemen, there are in fact some chicks.
Plot (Graphic Novel and Film)
In Victorian Era England, ten Extraordinary Gentlemen (Androgynous Lifeforms for the politcally correct) are brought together by Burt Bacharach, the disgraced CEO of the Boilerless Steam Engine and Horseless Carriage Company to capture a dangerous criminal, SpongeBob SquarePants who had been mascarading as Liam Neeson's left testicle. The graphic novel and film follow the exploits of these ten individuals as they endeavour to capture SpongeBob SquarePants and recover Liam Neeson's real left testicle (which had been kept in a solitary confinement cell beneath Vatican City for 400 years). The only major difference between the two is that, in the film, the graphic, highly criticised group orgy scene was limited to only 38 minutes instead of the 56 pages it was given in the graphic novel and the 629 pages in the special "For Alan Moore only"" collectors edition (it is worth noting that the original graphic novel itself is only 62 pages in length). Both have received critical acclaim from several notable individuals including Liam Neeson's right testicle who uses the pseudonym Alex Trebek. In addition to the vast changes made to the film version, the cast was also added to/expanded/replaced to make it more "xtreme". Homestar Runner, Juno McGuff, Ryoma Echizen, Neville Longbottom, Edward Cullen, Jigsaw, Rip Van Winkle, Little Nemo, The Cat in the Hat, The Whizzer, the "It's Alive" baby, 14 Fraggles and King Kong were all added due to their contemporary popularity.
Plot (Breakfast Cereal)
Little boy wakes up, gets out of bed and runs downstairs to find a box of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Breakfast Cereal(TM) sitting on the kitchen table. After the inevitable snap and crackle as the milk is added to the cereal (and the sound of the porcelain bowl dissolving) the boy takes a heaping spoonful of cereal and suffers a fatal liver failure. The ad ends with the name of the cereal and Kellogg's company logo as a group of paramedics attempt to revive the boy (unsuccesfully).
An Expert's Opinion
WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, believe anything that a so-called 'expert' says. Ignoring this warning may result in your doom.
In Alan Moore's seminal work on the unseemly underbelly of Victorian England, readers were exposed to a new perspective on this fantastic period. While most American readers labor under the false assumption that the Victorian language did not posses the words (and therefore, the concepts) for sex, tripods, or biological warfare, Moore's research uncovers the true extent of such advances. Evidence of the diminutive Mina Murray boffing Alan Quartermane's scarred and ancient hide will shock and amaze even the most stoic of prigs. Be forewarned: this girl does not "close her eyes and think of England." Those with delicate constitutions and rigid, unrealistic views of reality (e.g. fundamentalists) should avoid the work at all costs.
Do not, under any circumstances, pay money to see the film version of this research. In fact, this is a good general rule about any work that has been adapted from a written to video format. Moore's work seems especially susceptible to misinterpretation and inappropriate translation. The preponderance of evidence proves that this screenplay was "written" by feeding the graphic novel to a Doberman, following it around for three days, and reassembling whatever pieces came out of its ass. However, this treatment was an improvement over the film version of Moore's From Hell, which was apparently prepared without any reference to the book at all (although those viewers who appreciated the extended gratuitous shots of Johnny Depp napping in a bathrobe throughout /Secret Window/ will probably delight in the short, edited clips of Johnny Depp in an opium coma). This writer predicts that the upcoming film version of Moore's ineffably wonderful /Watchmen/ will also be a piece of crap. If she could somehow throw a wooden shoe into the gears of the Hollywood machine to prevent the inevitable corruption of this classic and its indiscriminate exposure to the people of the world, she would immediately do so, no matter the personal cost.
This should in no way deter interested students from purchasing or perusing the fine original versions of any of Moore's writing. /League of Extraordinary Gentlemen/ has already earned its place in literary history. Indeed, Moore lost out on the Pulitzer Prize only because that body notoriously discriminates against people who look like they should be walking in the middle of the street carrying signs that read "The end is nigh." Although Moore's research leans toward the controversial, this is only because he throws himself deeply into taboo subjects to reveal their hidden truths. Among other revelations uncovered in this book, readers will learn such valuable skills as starting (and stopping!) a riot in the Middle East, passing oneself off as a French whore, having anal sex with an invisible man, and what to do if you are accosted by a talking bear while boinking a woman less than half your age up against a tree in the woods. Furthermore, you will see evidence of the earliest prototype automatic harpoon gun as well as the shocking proof that repression of the homosexual urge, and NOT masturbation, is the true cause of hairy palms. This is just the tip of the iceberg; other surprising discoveries too numerous and unbelievable to produce in this format await you between the covers of /League of Extraordinary Gentlemen/.
- Alex Trebek (a.k.a. Liam Neeson's Left Testicle)
On the Latest Volume
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Bullcrap Dossier is avant-garde pornography. It includes pornographic plays, pornographic maps, pornographic comics, pornographic prose, pornographic postcards, a pornographic 3-D section, and much pornographic more! It's about Mina Murray and Allan 'Do I Make You Horny?' Quatermain, who steal a not-so-little black book that smells like bull crap from a museum. In between being chased by a loser pretending to be James Bond and two other losers, Mina and Allan read the dossier, which is filled with... prepare to be amazed... bullcrap. And pornography. Then they have sex with a Golliwog and two Dutch dolls and escape into the third... sorry, the fourth dimension, where they meet their transsexual friend Orlando Bloom. The end. This book is perfect for scaring Christians because of all the nudity and sex.