School

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Be afraid. Be very afraid...
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Hell, or prison?

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Education

“A place where the smart go to become stupid and the stupid go to become unchanged.”

~ A School Refugee found in a boat off Africa

“School is evil. ”

~ Captain Obvious on School

School, as well as a shorter alternative to the phrase, "Worst Years of your Life", is a system created by the American government to brainwash children and destroy all creativity so that no one would question what they are doing while making as much money as possible out of the "schooled" people by making them mindless consumerist slaves. Since its establishment, it has succeeded in slowing civilization down to at least 7 bajillion years but on later realization found that the School system may have doomed us all as the calculations continue to increase by massive amounts every single second. School comes in four stages: elementary school, middle school, high school (pun intended), and sometimes college. Their uses are, respectively, Liberal brainwashing, storing kids until they develop an interest in reading literature, good house keeping, home economics, drugs, drug dealing, and finally extracting as much money from victims as possible. However, it usually doesn't work because all money has been spent on drugs in high school before it can be extracted in college. Despite obviously not working, the general public is confident that it shouldn't be fixed because "It's Just the Way it is".

School or Prison??[edit]

Well Joel went to both... At schools, you will notice that all windows have bars on them and evil laughing robots that kill on the first sight of movement. This is because the warden (or principal) does not want convicts to escape. They feel it gives them a bad reputation if they do not succeed in brainwashing children and teenagers permanently. This brainwashing occurs when teachers force them to sit for hours looking at them writing on walls; which they tell us not to do. Also, most schools are so cheap that they don't bother purchasing new office ladies, who seem to be having a competition on who can grow the biggest pair of hips. The bottom of their chair has to be 3 feet long to accommodate their size plus the school needs two postcodes one for the actual school and one for the gigantic hips that the office lady has. Speaking of cheap, most schools tend to serve cow patties and mysterious meat (the leftover pig fragments that no one else would dare to eat). It is also surprising how teachers seem to be so oblivious to students saying, "My printer wasn't working" or "My internet was down", when handing in homework or projects.

Teachers are actually part of an organization of Principals, Lunch Ladies and Christians, known as "The Boredom of Schooling Awards Academy", where teachers will compete for the annual prize: "Teacher with the most Boring Teaching Technique". Sometimes, teachers are awarded individually, but can also be in Teams. "Team Math", a large squadron of bedwetting maths teachers and profethorth, tend to take the award every year - a black and white certificate for each team member, and a large wooden block covered in algebra equations, and synopsises of movies about time travel. Other annual awards created in the academy include the "Widest Office Woman Hips" award (a $500 KFC voucher that doesn't expire), and the "Gayest Uptight Art Teacher" award (a large canvas covered in motor oil, dirt, meths and red paint, supposedly worth millions of dollars -- probably because of the meth addicts that would be so willing to snort it).

Have you noticed that students must complete community service hours to graduate? This is the same as prisons, in which certain offenders also have to complete community service hours. Prisoners live in very undesirable conditions, just like students in boarding live at certain schools. There are rats and spiders, cramped quarters, cots, and students must request permission to leave the building. If possible, try to avoid these institutions at all costs to insure the saftey and security of being. schools have an uneccesary habit of forcing children to stay in their seats and piss all over themselves because they werent allowed to go for a potty break. students known as the teachers pet are most likely going to be idiotic teach3ers in the future. these people should be exterminated by disintigration. one way to kill them in this process is to get a can of deoderant, and a match. hold the match in front of the deoderant and spray like hell

The difference between the local school and local prison[edit]

  • The Address
  • The tolerance of phone calls
  • The quality of food and food choice (local prison being higher)
  • Amount of time it takes for the subject to learn a lesson. Example:in th

    “Wow...5 worldyears in jail...maybe I shouldn't steal cars ever again!!!”

    ~ Subject In Jail

“Wow...13 years in school being taught the same thing over and over...and yet I still don't get it!”

~ Subject In School

“School??”

~ Nike Worker

“What's school?”

~ Subject In Mental Asylum
  • The one who teaches the lesson (local prison being nicer) school is the most boring thing.
  • A common term refering to government prisoners who attend a mandatory 12 years of educational prison known as school.

First Day of School[edit]

After the man figured out that school was just another boring way to "educate" society, he developed a concept called teaching in which teachers(Atma), as they were called back then, would come into class and molest children on their first day of school,after cursing out their soul mates on their cell phones. Parents want you out of the house so they can do perverted things. Also during this time, there has been a noted influx of confusion and stupidity, as it starts the migration of Freshies.

Letter Grades[edit]

A system of grades (institutionalized turn-ons) exists to subjugate those brave enough to reject the teacher's sooth-sayings. To wit: i like kitty cats!


Note: there are also times when you get a check watch out because they have just selected that you are ready to be brain washed

  • A* - Ass Hole Super. These students are actually robots that have been sent from Soviet Russia to take over the world,they usually sit on there own reading comics or science textbooks and if they are in a group they usually discuss mathamatical algortithms.
  • A - Ass Hole. These students are sickeningly smart, and wave it in front of all others faces. They will also be the first to die when brain washed humans from the government take over the world (the invasion has already started if you noticed the increasingly high death rates about 4 people every second (where do they all go?)). You also may cover the reverse side of the spectrum and be Academically challenged. (Obviously since I can use the word spectrum correctly in a sentence, I fall into the first category).
  • B - Bastard. Assigned to those who try really hard to accept the lies, but fail anyway.
  • C - Cold. As a result of being a member of a clique, the student realizes that only uncool kids get bad grades.
  • D - Deadly. Given to students who give other students rat poison.
  • E - Epic Fail. If students result in an EPIC fail.
  • F- Fucking fantastic!!!!. Rarely given. Only for star students, i.e. those who will never go anywhere in the future, unless they want to become president.
  • F*- FAIL!!!!. You fail on your papers.
  • G- Seriously how can you f*ck up that bad.

School, as we know it today, is divided into different levels which are given numbers in ascending order. These numbers serve a dual purpose: The first being a constant reminder of how many years have been stolen from you by the State. The second (and much more widely recognized and understood) is to give a false sense that you are accomplishing something as you move up the numerical scales when in fact, your life is being slowly and inexorably sucked from your left nostril.

The first stage, codenamed half-way house, taught young little bastards false lies, including suggestions that the earth was rectangular, the sky was red, and Miley Cyrus is a good singer.

The second stage taught its inmates (who were typically between the ages of 11 and 14) that "Life is Fantastic" and "All your hopes will come true if you do the Right Thing". These statements are, of course, lies; life was fantastic up until 1913 at which point it degraded into being 'okay', but in 1951 took a massive nosedive and became 'Worthless.'

The third and - for many - final, stage of School was codenamed "High" and promotes drugs, alcohol, gay masturbation, lesbian, and unprotected sex with fifty year old men. At this stage, most kids tend to become aware that they are being brainwashed and some try to assassinate the president. To counter this, many crack houses have placed machines that dispense coke, marijuana, heroin, LSD, and crystal meth.

In elementary school, (primary school for you Brits) school lunches generally consist of re-heated stuff from Mexico. However, if your school is one of those fancy prep schools, you are treated to one or more of the following:

  • The contents of last week's school dinners
  • The dust from the old stock cupboard
  • Remains of former students, primarily the fat kid who went missing last week
  • Left-overs from 4 years ago
  • Bill Cosby's fecal matter

Toilets[edit]

Detention toilet.

Walk into a school toilet and marvel at how the Bubonic plague hasn't returned. Urinals are generally filled with various items, from cakes (actual cakes, not urinal cakes) to coats. If the toliets are full of shit, then the urinals are full of shit too. When this happens, then the floor gets covered in shit as well. For safety measures, use a jar instead. Commonly used for spontaneous baptismal flushes, toilets are a great source of information, drawn from the huge amount of graffiti found normally on the back of toilet doors. It is also the only place were children can get fresh water (when I say fresh water, I mean goat urine mixed with water). Whilst children are entering their years of puberty, it is most likely that a toilet is a sanctuary where they can 'jack-off'( Ex: Cody Adamson of SRHS). On occasions, when entering the toilet, you may be open to fire and hear a large array of groans and moans. As pleasurable as it sounds, one may take the time to join in. As well as being a sanctuary for personal pleasures, many use the toilet to take a large number of shits. Sometimes corny, runny or just fucking long, whatever the shape or size, the toilet is the place to drop the kids off at the pool. You have to prepare for the floor than the toilet!!!!

Teachers[edit]

After the Student's Revolt of in 1956 or another, the Coalition of Old People (or COPs as they are affectionately known) became the Teachers' Union. Commonly known as "Satan´s Bitches", their purpose has remained secret for many years. Hence members are generally ignored, spat at, shot at, or cursed at. Some suspect that their pure existence is to drain the life out of the universe, child by child. "Teachers" as known are the worst enemies of students (prisoners) and must be killed.

Traditionally, members of the Union (Teachers) present themselves to children for 5 days of 7, and children (or 'students' as they became known) were expected to present the 'teachers' with large amounts of work to sift through. Whilst children were away, law stated that the teachers were to analyze and assign a rating to each piece of work. This acted merely as a way to justify their existence and offered no long-term benefits. Students would collect the response and feign sadness or joy in order to toy with the emotional state of the teacher, irrespective of the overall importance of the assessment.

Interestingly, it has been estimated that around 80% of school teachers posses repetitive flatulence disorder.

The stereotypes[edit]

Food[edit]

The higher quality of school food, equipped with cameras and lasers which are devoured by students. It is mostly made use of for random punishment at a teacher's pleasure by detonating the device once inside the 'student'

Food in some cafeterias may be infected with head lice and/or cigarettes probably due to the cranky old lunch ladies that refuse to wear hair nets. On rare occasions (Mostly in Japan and Poland) There may be eyeballs or other putrid objects inside your food, but you don't know that, because all you are thinking about while in school is sex.

The poison is generally toilet water. To disguise the true contents of the food, it is all thoroughly deep fried in 102% pig fat, to ensure heart attacks at young ages.

School french fries do burn quite nicely, however. If you ever need a candle, then go ahead and light one of them on fire. Those things will burn for HOURS!

Sometimes the school cafeteria may produce some good food...but if you may find the occasional weird lump (yes it is ear wax), call the cafeteria lady disposal squad hotline immediately!! 1800-462-6864 and go to the official website as well! www.sourmath.com

Assignments at schools[edit]

Children are assigned to write a lot of stuff, called term papers, essays, projects, etc. However, those projects may even be bloody, because “prisoners” are sent to special tasks, like James Bond had been sent. However, students are not equipped to survive these assignments, and many do not return, those who do have lost their virginity unwillingly. Teachers also assign students to do mathematics tasks, but there is no logic there. And everyone includes photos or posters into folders instead of any written task. That is severely punished but it hardly works, because prisoners have gradually developed immunity over assignments. Soylent green is a common ingredient in school food. One kid actually died by eating just an piece of a burger, SO NEVER! EAT THAT SHIT!!!!!!!

False Rumours[edit]

A student contemplates the dull atmosphere of his school.
  • There won't be any piles of shit (stacked atop another) in the toilets...ever.
  • Recess is a break from work
  • Huffing kittens is not better than going to school.
  • There's a pool on the third floor right by the elevator.
  • There is a third floor.
  • There is an elevator.
  • The kids will love you.
  • There is no cow level (diablo 2)
  • All of the teachers are nice
  • One teacher will be hot (ya for you)
  • The food is healthy.
  • Study hard and you will be fine
  • Some teachers care
  • School is the best days of your life
  • Theres no racism...
  • Drakes not there.
  • Being here will get you a good job later in life

Proof that school is like[edit]

AC/DC[edit]

  • SchoolWar Machine
  • ChemistryT.N.T.
  • EkonomicsMoney Talks
  • Playing truantJailbreak
  • TeacherCold-Hearted Man
  • School BellHell's Bells
  • Teacher walking aroundEvil Walks
  • Way to schoolHighway to Hell

See also[edit]

Actions of life and death
Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Dream | Awake | Play | Kill | Live | Love | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Die | Go to the cemetery | End