Leave it to Beaver

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“I never owned a TV. Or a Beaver. But I do frequently indulge myself in the occasional Leave. Oh yeah, and It and To can go fuck themselves.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Leave it to Beaver

“Why would they leave it to their son? He's a little kid.”

~ Tim the toolman Taylor on Beaver

Leave it to Beaver was a family television show that aired when everybody in America thought their lives were good and that nuclear power wasn't going to destroy the planet. Happier times. Even more famous was its star, the lovable Jerry Mathers, who spent every episode walking around dressed as a giant vagina. The show eventually decayed into a sad mesh of drug abuse, violence, and punching Jerry Mathers in the vagina suit. Mostly the latter one.

1951-1951.5: The Good Years[edit]

Leave to Beaver began in 1951, when your TV decided it was time something new and hip aired, something original and edgy, something featuring Jerry Mathers. That something became known as Leave it to Beaver.

The first episode aired with great ratings. Every family in America watched the little vagina boy and his wacky antics. Parents were happy they didn't have to explain sex education to their children. Children liked looking at Jerry Mathers. All was good pussy.

Mathers was given a brother, Wally, in the second episode. Wally was secretly gay before secretly gay even existed, so people just thought he was very funny. In reality, he was gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. I cannot stress this enough. Check the diagram if you're still confused.

He is gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Gay. He was gay. He is gay. He will forever be gay. Gay. Okay? Hey that rhymed!

Frequently when Mathers's father got angry at his mother, he would turn around and punch the Beav in the vagina. This always got a big laugh.

Wally Drops Acid, Thinks Mathers is a Real Vagina[edit]

One day Wally dropped some acid and when on the set, thought Jerry Mathers was a giant talking vagina. After bowing down and praying to it, he proceeded to whip his penis out and chase Mathers around the set. It took ten firemen to take him down.

The next episode, Wally was sent away to World War Two, and many people thought he had been written off the show. This obviously is false, because Wally never returned to the show, despite the war being over three years before he was sent off to it. That would actually make that statement true, wouldn't it? Damn you Wally!

Episodes Not Broadcast[edit]

There were several episodes produced but not broadcast due to the objection of CBS Standards and Practices. Copies of these episodes have been unfortunately lost (?) but the episode titles have been found:

  1. Beaver's Wet Dream
  2. Beaver's Balls drop
  3. Ward and the Restraining Order
  4. Beaver, Wally, and the Suppository
  5. Do I have a Clean Dress?
  6. A High School Boy and his Body
  7. June curses and the Cleavers suffer
  8. Naked Brothers see each other deeply

CBS's purpose of not broadcasting these episodes was to maintain the idea that the Cleavers had no genitals. The audience must never know that Wally and Beaver had penises (Wally had five), or that June and Ward had sexual intercourse. Television had yet to be enlightened. (By the way if someone can find a toilet bowl in that house please notify the authorities.)

The Final Episode[edit]

On the brink of cancellation, the shows producers decided to kill off all of the characters with a final episode. This was done with the introduction of a new character, Cousin Grue. The lovable new character, looking for a place to stay after his military tour-of-duty ended, took shelter with family. The chaos began shortly after June Cleaver burnt Cousin Grue's dinner. Starving, Cousin Grue ate her instead. He then ate all witnesses, including the family, the cameraman, and the studio audience.

The show was canceled afterwards, the entire series was in shambles. The network it was on never recovered and has now dissolved into complete obscurity, where any network that broadcasts that kind of shit belongs.

With the demise of Jerry Mathers, the nation quickly woke up to the problems they were creating. Pollution ended. Nuclear tested was halted. The Cold War cooled. The Hot War did absolutely nothing (fictional wars tend to do that.)

And so, next time you are not killed by a nuclear attack, thank Jerry Mathers.