“I'm never going back! You can't make me!”
Led Zeppelin (formerly known as Meth Zeppelin) was formed in 1968 by three old golfers who got hit in the head by Tiger Wood's wife, and is known to this day as the world's greatest blues cover band (yeah right). They sing about love and loss and hobbits and your typical emo life. They are also well known for their creation of citrus rock, which originates from their love of citrus fruits, hence the songs, Tangerine, The Lemon Song, and for some reason Going to California. Other hits include Stairway to Upstairs and Since I've Been Loving You, You've Been Pregnant. They are also the first band to "sample" music.
Rubber Plant was discovered as a frontman in his own apartment. When born Robert Plant actaully had a vagina and was born with bitchin' hair. When he killed his first wife at the age of - 952 months he decided to write the song "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You". But ironically she was the one leaving him. So he had a hot gay makeout session with legendary Led Zeppelin drummer John "Hairy Shag" Bonham at -975 months. After having sex for 100 hours they decited to write the instrumental "Moby "Dick"" in insperation from the size of John Bonham's drum set. when he accidentally bit his tongue. As a result of this minor injury, Plant's distinct moans and groans (as heard in Babe I'm Gonna Leave You and Whole Lotta Love) came forth and attracted the neighbours. The neighbours eventually let the word out of Plant's so-called "sensual" voice and was finally introduced to guitar prodigy, Jimmy Page, as people noted that his voice and Page's guitar sounded pretty much the same. Robert Plant is actually a plant, as confirmed by the existing members of the band today. The National Enquirer's shocking rumours of Plant getting body reconstruction surgery are unfortunately true.
Jimmy Page Skinny Cage is renowned for two reasons. 1) He plays guitars with violin bows (his way of spanking them) and 2) He once played a guitar solo so heavy that his guitar became a black hole and sucked the rest of the universe into it. The superheavy ball exploded, which is what scientists call The Big Bang. Anyway, he has made lots of recordings and is a very good guitarist, but nobody really knows why. (They suspect it was Bob Dylan's fault.) Another notable achievement of Page's is sleeping with a record amount of 9-15 year old girls, the most famous of which being troubled goth chick Monica Lewinski (they later moved into Aleister's father's Boleskine House together).
John Paul Jones was in a much less successful band (the alphabeta's) for a few years, then joined The Lawn Chickens when he was discovered by Plant and Page who knew he had what it would take, especially because he asked to join and they needed a bass player quite a lot. He also played the mandolin (which he created by breeding a violin and 12-string guitar) infrequently, but only when he whined about it for a very long time.
"So there we were, me and Jimmy, on a nature walk, with me pointing out things like trees and shit, when all of a sudden we heard these amazing bass lines...Like poing poing, boing, diiiing, do-dooooing. We found Jones sitting on a tree stump and watched him cheerfully slap those strings into shape. Those lines were impossible. We let him in right there and then we had sex." -Robert Plant
"Yeah, they did have sex." -John Paul Jones
John "Bonzo" Bonham was fueled only by alcohol, nothing else, nothing else. "Lead is spelled with an "A"?...Ahhh FUCK!" -John Bonham
Ian Duren One of the most amazing drummers ever to step foot in the city of Memphis, TN. He filled in for drummer John Bonham when he was too dead or drunk or being gay to play or was too busy doing things with fish and women.
Cameron Johnson He was Zeppelin's male groupie who sucked their cocks and let them have their way with him all the time. Cameron's native town is Collierville, TN. He grew up gay, though he didn't know it at first. He spends his time today looking at gay porn and sucking Robert Plant's penis. He was known to have hot boobs.
Rick Wakeupman He was a brilliant keyboardist for Led Zeppelin which joined then left then rejoined then left then rejoined and then left. He came back when John Bonham died and the band broke up.
"Yeah, I was in the studio, Rick comes in, and writes a song. I got pissed off at him for writing a song because he's gay, and I kicked him out because he wrote a song and that we were not a band in 3030." - Jimmy Page
Your Mom Yeah, I was in Led Zeppelin. You didn't know. Ah, fuck, you were probably too high to remember anyways.
"Yep, all moms were in Zep. I had sex with all of them. Oh fuck. I told you." - Robert Plant
“It's all we could afford.”
- 1969: Led Zeppelin I
- 1969: Led Zeppelin II
- 1969: Led Zeppelin III
- 1970: Led Zeppelin fhour
- 1970: Led Zeppelin V
- 1970: Led Zeppelin VI
- 1971: Houses Of The Holy Shit We Actually Came Up With An Album Title This Time
- 1972: Led Zeppelin VII
- 1973: The Whig Party
- 1974: Sexy Citrus
- 1975: Mental Graffiti
- 1976: The Song Remains the Same for Far, Far Longer Than Its Melody Can Support
- 1976: Absence
- 1976: Achilles First And Final Stand
- 1977: Oooh Yeah...Oooh Yeah, Push...Push (Released under the Led Zeppelin moniker but dismissed by Page, Jones & Bonham as a Robert Plant solo album)
- 1978: Baby Foot
- 1978: Robert's Sort Of Being A Dick
- 1979: The Song Remains the Same but Dazed and Confused is 40 minutes long so fuck off
- 1980: Where's Bonham gone?
- 1982: Yoda
- 1983: Textures in heaven
- 1984: Bad Shrooms Talking
- 1985: Led Zeppelin 0("One flew over the Yardbirds nest")
- 1986: Fly Agaric Journeys
- 1988: Outsider
- 1998: Barfing into a whale
- 1999: Zoom Zoom!
- 2001: Too Much Paprika
- 2002: How Da West Wuz l33t
- 2004: Mothershit Landing
- 2007: Son of a Bonham!
- 222222222222222222222222: Led Zeppelin IV part II. (Or "Now you can finally figure out IV's name")
- 2010: Shovel Squat in rememberance
- 2010: nevaeH ot yawriatS: " some shitty album we forgot about"
- 2012: Led Zeppelin VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
- Whole Lotta Hate: "some songs we forgot for I dont know, 100 years or something"
Babe I'm Gonna Leave You
"Babe, babe, baby baby baby babe, babe, baaabbeee, BABE I'm gonna... baby, oooohooohoooo, baby baby babe babe I'm gonna just gotta leave... baby... you just gotta know... babe."
And that's it. Contrary to popular belief, this song was about Robert Plant's love affair with that cute little talking pig from the '90s. They broke up in 2004 due to 'Robert not quite getting it in anymore.'
When the Levee Breaks
A song about No Orleans when the flood came. Led Zeppelin managed to escape in their Zeppelin just in time.
Travelling Riverside Blues
Biwwwbiw biwwbiw biw biw biwwww biw biwww biw ba ba bah biw bu baaoo
"Hey" biww bow biwww bawww "That's Right"
"Gasoline mamma, let me be your kid, you might get hurt if you don't keep it hid, I know my baby if I see her in the dark (Underground Railroad Reference)"
There is also something about going to Rosedale, and Squeezing Robert's lemon till the juice run down his leg. But that's about it.
The Lemon Song
"Squeeeezzzeeeeee...my lemon. Until the juice runs down my leg. "
Contrary to popular belief, this one is actually about when Plant and Page co-invested in a citrus farm in Southern California. They got in a fight about the profit of this highly lucrative investment and started squirting lemons in each other's eyes, on each other's chests and and down each other's legs. The line that goes "I'm gonna leave my children down on this killin' floor... floor... floor... floor..." comes off as nonsensical at first, but make sense when one takes into consideration Plant's incessant need to anthropomorphize inanimate objects. He talked to rocks, shrubs and doorknobs. Plant had a special relationships with the lemons and when they fell off the trees, he was especially traumatized and couldn't tour for the better part of two months, which he spent rehabbing by listening to music he had never heard before, including Howlin' Wolf. Finding a similarity between the Lemon song and Wolf's song Killing Floor, Plant came back and decided to rock so hard that no one would remember Howlin' Wolf and the similarity (rip-off).
Stairway to Heaven (Ripoff of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell")
One hit was Stairway to Heaven, a song written by Rolf Harris concerning evil Satanic warlocks intent on brainwashing the world with backward messages containing exceedingly dodgy words such as 'toolshed', '666' and even 'Brian McGregor'. When played backwards, it actually sounds more like this: "Oooh a falh mashs flikker man cha satan satan hub julla jabulla satahn. Hashta satan rada satan oooh ot satan." Scientologists have said the best place to listen casually and understand their music was in a concrete block 40 miles from the stage.
Contrary to popular belief, this fucking song concerns the first ever transatlantic telegraph cable, which was promoted by Cyrus Field and laid in 1858. Communication Breakdown tells of how the project was plagued with problems from the outset, and was in operation for only a month, during which time Field was able to order up a pizza, but was cut off before he could give his address. Subsequent attempts in 1865 and 1866 were more successful, leading to the never released song 'Can you Hear You Me Now? Can you Hear Me Now?'
The Immigrant Song (aka That One Song That Goes Like 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-aah! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-aah!)
The song is like Din-din-din chikka din-din-din chikka din-din-din chikka din-din-din chikka AAAHH-Aahh! Aaahh!
The song was written by Robert Plant when he slammed his fingers in his car door. Contrary to popular belief, the lyrics concern a Viking kitten crossing a small pond to get to the other side, but intellectual property considerations prevent him from ever arriving as do the coast guard due to drug offenses. This song was made to scare the birds that constantly flew in circles over Page's head trying to make a nest on his mop. Despite all this, it is consider the first Viking Metal song and the national anthem of Vikings everywhere.
A Muslim version of this song has the word Allah in it instead of AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ah
Over the Hills and Far Away
Contrary to popular belief, this song is based on a Grimm's Fairy Tale, "Hay Lady". In this lesser known tale, a Lady who had a hay farm (hence, the start of the song: "Hay Lady"), realizes she has the "love" (namely, LOTS of hay) that the singer so desperately needs. In the tale (and the song) they walk through the hay field ("walk awhile with me") thinking about all the hay that has grown there over the years and how much they both love hay. This is strange coming from a band that wrote such thought-provoking and meaningful lyrics (see Lemon Song above), but, hey, no pun intended, you have to let your hair down every once in awhile.
Originally this song was made as a filler during a concert when Robert Plant really had to use the restroom. Due to the popular reception of the audience, Led Zeppelin played it in nearly every concert after it was made, in order to give the rest of the band a break. When the solo was played, Robert Plant usually left the stage to engage in the hugging of towels. Jimmy would play Uno and consume monumental quantities of powdered sugar with Peter Grant, while John Paul held the band together. Meanwhile, John Bonham would beat the living shit out of that drum kit for about five days at a time.
Here is how the song goes: "Boom, boom da da boom, da da boom, da da da da boom boom, boom, boom, boom, boom BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, KAKA BOOM, KAKA BOOM, BOOM CHICKA LAKA CHICKA LAKA CHIKA BOOM! SHAKALAKA BOOM! Interesting trivia about this song includes:
- Mr. Bonham, as he liked to be called, played 75% of this song with his head.
- The remaining 25% wasn't played at all
- The song was recorded in a racquetball court -- if you listen carefully (and especially if you listen backwards), you can hear the balls poinging against the walls.
- Peter Gabriel called the drum solo "The only thing that can make me ejaculate, besides blurry photos of Moby."
- Around 185 B.C., rumours spread oon how the song was named, the most popular being:
Plant and his gay band mates got the idea when they were in the bathroom, looking at each other's Moby Dicks.
This song is about a girl Robert Plant had a relationship with in Jamaica, which explains the reggae beat and guitar riff. If you pronounce it "Die-Err Maker," you're a n00b. The girl broke up with Plant, which resulted in Plant smoking lots of pot and writing this song out of heartbroken fury. It is now a classic Zeppelin song.
"My wife went on holidays to the Carribean."
"Nah, she went of her own accord."
White Summer/Black Mountainside
Bluww blaw blewww ba da dai de dah dah da bow bow bie biedididy da bow biw
And it goes on like this for several hours, until John Bonham comes in on his Congo drums, but it's really wonderful.
Whole Lotta Love
The song is all about what Robert Plant thinks is love. He apparently thinks this: uh oh aaaa ah ah ah (pheeeeeew phjeeeeeeeeew) aha haa ah ah ah aaaaaaa loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
"I wanna give you every inch of my love, I wanna give you my love" - Actually about Plant's penis, which is 57 inches long.
- The song got many people freaking and about 74,549 people were reported to have been admitted to mental asylums in Cliffornia [god knows where that is] alone. The complaints filed with the doctors was that the patients had howling fits, most of them repeating "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-a. Aaaaaaaaaaa-a.uh oh aaaa ah ah ah (pheeeeeew phjeeeeeeeeew) aha haa ah ah ah aaaaaaa loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".
The song that has absolutely nothing to do with a negro hound . . . at all. It said that John Paul Jones, whilst having sexual interplay with a band worshipper, commented on their private area, saying it looked like a big "Black Dog." The guy was obviously flattered, but who wouldn't be? Harry Connick Jr would always give the band a 0 whenever they performed this song in concert.
That depressingly slow and melancholic tune with the keyboard. Made by John Bonham one day when he couldn't find any more quarters for a gumball machine. Most depressing story I've ever heard since they closed the Chuck E. Cheese's near my house.
So, there you go.
Since I've Been Loving You
The critically-acclaimed documentary about Jimmy Page's 7 minute, 24 second relationship with groupie Lori Maddox. As soon as the two met, Page exclaimed "I know a bit of fun! Lets have the road crew tie you up and throw you in the closet"! 3.5 seconds later, Lori exploded with enthusiasm (quite literally) and died. Interestingly enough, Page did not notice she had died until a full 7 minutes and 20.5 seconds, when he left her for Pamela Des Barres (formerly known as Kim Kardashian), thus ending the relationship.
- All of Led Zeppelin's lyrics are based off of a poem from one of three collections by Robert Plant: Variations on Sexual Innuendo, Referencing Middle Earth, and Martin Scorsese Presents The Blues: A Musical Journey.
- Jimmy Page has a seemingly irrational phobia of being bitten by mudsharks on his private parts. He continually refuses to explain why.
- Robert Plant loves babies as a mid-morning snack, which is why he sings about them in almost all of his songs. "Baby, baby, baby..." Indeed, Plant spends much of his time today getting babysitting jobs for his neighbors. You can call his babysitting hotline at 1-800-BAB-EEEE/1-800-BAB-UMON.
- Led Zeppelin is a symbol of the Dyslexia Association; each member suffered from severe learning disorders, and no one had the heart to tell them that they had misspelled 'lead.'
- Led Zeppelin has had many different zeppelins in their time. Each has been filled with a different gas. Their first zeppelin, the Hindenberg, was made in Germany and was an epic fail due to the usage of hydrogen. After it's explosion in the 40s, it took the band decades to recover.
- Robert Plant cums lemon juice.
- "Mr Mojo Risin" which is mentioned in no less than 23 Led Zeppelin songs is an anagram of "Muscular Dystrophy"
- A full grown Jimmy Page weighs in at just under 60 lbs, though he wishes it were 52 lbs.
- 'ZoSo' was once rumoured to be Polish for 'retarded baby duck' by everyone without teeth in Hull, which is all of them.
- Alchemists had tried for years to turn Led Zeppelin into Gold Zeppelin. Peter Grant and their record company finally got it right.
- Despite the rumours Led Zeppelin was actually named in honour of Jimmy Page's maternal grandfather, Peter Russel-Clarke, who was the navigator on the Hindenburg.
- For three years Robert Plant was replaced by a tag team of a Russian Hooker and Yoko Ono. No one noticed.
- Jimmy Page was born an Japanese Actor
- John Bonham is alive. scientists found air in his body.
- Although popular in most countries, Led Zeppelin never quite made it off the ground.
- The artist formally known as Prince once fronted Led Zeppelin when Robert Plant came down with a rare form of Hepatitis Z, contracted when they were on their East Asian tour back in 1980. Prince changed lyrics, danced and gyrated, totally passing himself off as Plant to those hard core Asian Zeppelin fans.
- Plant and Page are the classic cases of "British Men Turn Into Their Mothers" disease.
- Robert Plant's favorite flu remedy is Lemsip. He's always had this kind of flu, so thats why he sounds retarded when he talks and sings.
- Krist Novoselic was once the "Other bass guy" and roadie for Led Zeppelin. He is currently with The White Stripes.
- Although being considered one of the biggest, highest selling, most influential bands of all time, when you ask kids who watch MTV if "they listen to Led Zeppelin", in a clinical study, 9 out of 10 kids answered "oh, I don't listen to that guy" or "I don't know his music very well". (see also: Pink Floyd)
- John Bonham actually died from saying "fuck" for two days straight.
- John Paul Jones kept the band together, despite the rumors that it was heroin. Johnny Paulie does not appreciate these rumors because he spent 20 years feeding, walking and grooming the band. And not once did they win the Eukanuba Dog show.
- Anti-Zeppelin (a woefully inferior band)
- Going to California
- Stairway to Heaven
- Led Zeppelin (Christian Band)
- Dread Zeppelin
- Slow Boy Running
- HowTo:Show your appreciation for the band Led Zeppelin
- UnNews:Zimbabwe's Mugabe reunites Led Zeppelin, Robert Plant is not invited
- Lemon (fruit)
- What Does Zoso Mean
- More Zoso with extra stuff
- What Zoso Doesn't Mean
- What Zoso Really Means to the True Initiate