Leeds
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| State | Yorkshire |
| Official languages | Yorkshirish, English |
| Established | Roman times |
| Civic anthem | Marching on together, in division three/four/sunday league |
When the Romans came over to Britain, which they wanted to conquer, Julius Caesar ate a dodgy bowl of pasta somewhere near the Pennines. He needed the toilet badly but there wasn't one nearby, so he defecated in a field. He also drank some Italian wine and urinated next to the feces. Eventually this horrible pile of excreta mutated into a small town, which the Roman Generals named Leeds, Latin for "MAMA MIA, WHAT IS THAT A-HIDEOUS THING?!", and the urine became known as the River Aire, because the Romans were hoping that it would evaporate into the "aire" (they weren't very good spellers).
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[edit] Geography
A study into the geography of Leeds has never been conducted. Reasons for this often include "It would be far too boring and pointless for words"
[edit] Customs
People from Leeds, or Loiners, have many quaint customs that are the source of much fascination from the outside world. First of all, Leeds people appear unfriendly and bedraggled. However, they are very reserved and polite people and love it when you approach them with a smile and some friendly chit-chat. They communicate in a series of low grunts (Mainly AW) so you should not be surprised if they do not appear to say much that is audible to your ear. This complex system of communication has evolved in all the time Leeds has been a real city and Leodensians have had to interact with outsiders. Since, say, the 1980's...
[edit] Art and culture
Leeds has many graffiti artists, who specialise in shit you can't read.
Street art or "graffiti" is a pleasant decoration seen around this city of pleasant eccentrics and individualists. You may see other examples of installation art such as vandalised bus shelters, piles of vomit, broken bottles, or the occasional burnt out car on a school playing field.
Leeds also has two art galleries, one of which is the Henry Moore institute. Henry Moore was from Castleford,which is not really Leeds. Well it is, in the way all those other little West Yorkshire satellite towns (Halifax, Bradford, Huddersfield etc) do NOT want to bask in the glory-hole that is Leeds.
"I've not been to the Henry Moore institute as you have to pay to get in, and everyone knows that good art galleries like the Tate Modern don't charge for you to enter," said an Uncyclopedia editor.
[edit] Transport
Leeds has in the past few years never really gained a reputation for its crappy transport system. First off there's the Leeds-Bradford Airport which is a lifeline for Leeds and brings in lots of morons with nowhere better to go. However the airport should not be mistaken for a shed on the end of a big of tarmac, as this would almost be right. Unfortunately Leeds City Council ran out of money building the shed at the end of and bit of tarmac, and decided to team up with Bradford and make Leeds-Bradford (another pile-of-shit Yorkshire town) just to try and lower the reputation even more.
The bus service really takes the piss. First Leeds has an Overground service, advertised as every 10 minutes when in reality it's every 40 minutes and three full up buses come. The buses tend to be more than 256 years old and bus drivers have a break, when and where they want including at traffic light stops.
It has a guided busway, but ambulances do use them when they have cranky patients that throw up in the back, while complaining at the fact they havent released their bowels in 5 years.
Taxi drivers are wankers. Tell them you only have a few quid under the fare and they'll start being rude and swearing at you, eventually dumping you in the middle of nowhere at 3AM. Clogg up leeds train station, by farting all over commuters in a rush hour storm.
[edit] Driving
Driving is the best way to get around the city, but if you are visiting or new to Leeds you should be aware of some changes to driving etiquette. If you drive through Headingley, your buggered, in a never ending 78 mile traffic jam taking more than 21 hours just to reach the local corner shop.
Most people have adopted the chav/boy racer, slumped posture when driving. When driving in Leeds be aware that people expect you to drive over twice the legal speed limit, depending on the area you are driving in (e.g. On a residential street that would normally be 30mph, you are expected to drive at 60mph.)
The dangers of speeding are not generally recognised here and locals despise speed cameras as a government plot of parting them with their hard earned cash that would otherwise be spent on baseball caps,stripy jogging pants, cigarettes, alcopops, striped hair or accessories for their cars,such as those big exhaust pipes they like to attach to their Fiat Puntos and Vauxhall Micras to give one the impression they are in fact driving a Ferrari.
One should note that these big exhaust pipes can be cheaply made by gluing a giant economy sized tin of beans onto the back of whatever clapped out banger you are intending to pass off as a sports car.
Drivers in Leeds are generally very relaxed drivers who have no fear of death. Two deviations from the norm of note are not indicating when changing lanes and pulling out at junctions in front of other road users and expecting them to decelerate from 40mph to 0mph over a distance of 2 metres.
Traffic lights should not be taken too seriously. A red light is merely a suggestion that it would be safer to wait, but don't worry if you do have an accident, its always the other persons fault. Again, if no one catches you it is not a crime. And the Leeds General Infirmary would solve any injuries caused.
[edit] Buses
Can be scary for the uninitiated, even then you have to be careful. First of all be prepared for surly bus drivers who downright feel offended if you ask them to tell you when your stop is. Not having a "dayrider", which lets you on without the need to speak to the driver, is a severe sin and will likely result in verbal abuse or ejection from the bus. Do not be surprised if they refuse to allow you to board if you need too much change from the money you have given them. They may also refuse you if you give them too much coinage or paper money which requires a lot of complex mental arithmatic to count. This is because the drivers are all ex-lorry drivers (due to CreditCrunch by Kellogg's) and only took up driving buses as they are essentially the same as lorries, besides the till and the fact that your cargo argues back and stabs people.
If you are foreign (ie. not from Leeds) they may ask you to repeat yourself several times. Be reassured this is not because they have misunderstood you, but they love to hear foreign accents which reminds them there is a world outside of Leeds and how shit their life in Leeds really is.
Secondly, do not be surprised about people smoking on the top deck. Although this is illegal in the rest of the United Kingdom, the law only ever applies to "other people" in Leeds so no one will take responsibility for their own actions. Also loud, tinny, thumping, speeded up music that would not be out of place in a gay Manchester disco must at all times be played by monosyllabic teenagers not old enough to drive their own cars yet (Though it is legal to drive a car at any age as long as it is someone else's car)
Remember in Leeds it is considered very poor form to consider asking someone to stop doing something that is annoying or harmful to others.
[edit] Trains
Generally, not a good way of getting around Leeds as they only go to other places. Actually, that is a advantage...
But it officially has the most muggings and unprovoked attacks of any train station in England outside of London, therefore making the above fact obsolete.
Has the Weirdest Train Service in England Passengers who want Scotland or Newcastle are advised to get a train to London, then a train to Brussels and from there , no railway replacement bus service. so everyones screwed.
Leeds is proposed a new station at St James Hospital, with services to Birmingham every 5 minutes and services to London every 2.5 minutes, the station will be built buy April 2764, when Network Rail can afford to get off their butts.
Which is not surprising when you see the stressed out, angry commuters struggling to get through the ticket barriers after the conductor failed to come round the train to sell them the ticket they needed to get to Leeds on a train that was 30 minutes delayed. There are two pubs in the station which won awards for being the most smoker friendly in the country.
The smoking ban in England started in July 2007 but this does not apply to Leodensians as it is their right to smoke goddammit and no one has the right to be offended by the hazards of second hand smoke.
[edit] Cycling
I wouldn't if I were you. Did you know your more likely to get your bike nicked by a toddler with an asbo than anywhere else in the country? If you do cycle in Leeds, avoid coming anywhere near a bus. The drivers see it as their duty to try to eliminate all cyclists and will pretend to pull out to overtake you before deliberately crashing into you in the hope of crushing you.
The roads of Leeds would be strewn with dead cyclists if it weren't for the fact that within minutes, the locals will have stolen the bike and sold your body to one of Leed's many kebab shops for donner meat.
[edit] Tourist explosion
Recently, Leeds has seen a huge explosion in its tourist industry. Africans and South Americans in particular have been flocking over to experience the year-round cold and miserable weather, a perfect anti-dote to the scorching sunshine of their home countries. The main Marks & Spencer store in the city (or at least the café inside it) appears to be a magnet for Americans boasting to each other about how great America is next to Britain. These same people seem to have invaded York too.
Many tourists are seen relaxing in deckchairs in Roundhay Park on midsummer afternoons, enjoying the local kebabs, rain and luke-warm Tetley bitter, before venturing to local pubs for an evening of drunkenness and violence.
Also popular are its "savage reservations" especially around Burley, Chapeltown, Seacroft, Swarcliffe, Harehills and bits of the city centre, where tourists can see real-life savagery in action, such as gangs of kids beating up students, stealing cars, burning down pubs and robbing houses.
[edit] Leeds Shopping
Leeds is officially shopping central. Back in the 1900 Leeds was where all your grannies clothes were made with tons of factories. Now it has some of the best shopping centres around. Yes, thats right, Leeds has its very own Primark.
Shopping in Leeds is a great day out for all the family chav gang.
[edit] Luxury apartments
Recently there has been a glut of property developers building "luxury apartments". Luxury apartments are a new thing in Leeds. They are characterised by the following amenities:
Having a river front view Two or more bedrooms And paint on the walls
If you can't afford to buy a luxury apartment or your just staying in Leeds for a couple of days I recommend you stay in a bin all night. Better accommodation anyway.
[edit] Sport
[edit] Leeds United
Once a Premiership side, Leeds are now in League 1 and not holding their own against teams who smell like men after a badminton match, in a desperate bid to justify the existence of this league, which lies some 2 divisions behind the Premiership. They will not be back.
Leeds tops the English football leagues in arrests for hooliganism. This alludes less to their physical prowess than their penchant for confronting 6-year-old children in ball-pens and adventure playgrounds.
Leeds United is owned by evil dictator and con man Kenneth William Bates aka. Bad Santa, who has promised to continue to allow the club's free-falling slide into a money oblivion, much to the delight of the FA, FIFA and every other human being with an IQ of 59 or more. Kenny Bates planned to add to Elland road by building a casino, hotel and what not in the middle of the pitch.
Famously, the great football manager, Brian don't-fuck-with-me Clough, took the club all the way from the bottom of the league to the dressing room, where he shot thirteen of the players with a pump-action shotgun. Nine of these died, three were seriously injured and one suffered a complete collapse of all basic mental functions. However, this wasn't immediately detected, and the player continued to feature in the club's first eleven for another five seasons.
Since 1997, in a perverse twist of fate, a typing error on the standard players contract at the club, necessitates that all players must commit physical acts of racist abuse and then transfer to Newcastle United within a three year period of signing. Anyone who fails to obey this is "punished" with a transfer to Manchester United, where they will win lots of trophies and earn millions of pounds, as has happened to Alan Smith, Eric Cantona, Joe Jordan and Dennis Irwin over the years (attempts to ask the club whether or not this is actually an effective punishment were responded to with "DURRR... WHAT'S A CONTRACT? CAN SOMEONE CHANGE MY DIAPER COS I GONE POOPY!"). A similar typo at Newcastle requires that they thenceforth become utterly useless and fritter away their meagre savings on coal and pickled herrings.
Leeds have had two mainly successful periods, the first in the 1960s-70s under manager Don Revie. During this period Leeds were a somewhat good side, but would never had won anything if they had not kicked the shit out of all opposing teams. The second happened in 1992, when Howard Wilkinson's side won the title. This was a complete fluke however - Graeme Souness had stabbed all his good players at Liverpool to death because none of them would admit who stole his bike, George Graham's attempt at creating a team made entirely of defenders had screwed up Arsenal's season, and Sir Alex Ferguson just didn't fancy winning Manchester United the title for another year even though Scum hadn't won it for 25 years. A better indicator of the "skill" of Wilkinson's side came the following year, when they nearly got relegated from the Premier League, but couldn't even do that right.
[edit] Farsley Celtic
The little-known, even less successful second club of Leeds, Farsley Celtic (yes, Farsley is part of Leeds apparently) never did anything of note and eventually went bankrupt in 2009. This caused nationwide celebrations after the headlines "Leeds football club goes out of business" were widely circulated, until someone pointed out it was actually Farsley Celtic that had gone bankrupt, not Leeds United.
[edit] Cricket
The national sport of the Grim North is cricket. Leeds is notable for having the world's only annular cricket ground, Headingley, which completely encircles the city centre at a mean distance of 0.8 nautical miles from the town hall.
[edit] Pop Music
- 1970s: Due to the 1960s lasting 17 years (and counting) in Yorkshire, Pop Music didn't exist in Leeds until 1979 when the punk explosion hit. So there isn't much to go in this section, unless of course you count Paul & Barry Ryan, and Christie.
- 1980s: In the grim post-punk years, Leeds was the scene of the invention of goth music, led by the gloom-laden sound of the Sisters of Mercy, who ruled the city for the whole decade. Goths are still a common sight in Leeds to this day.
- 1990s: The Leeds popular music scene opted out of the 1990s under a European Union directive. (Lucky Leeds)
- 2000s: The Kaiser chiefs. That's all.
[edit] Conclusions
All in all, Leeds is the worst place you could ever be without a bodyguard. If you want to experience Leeds without all the trouble of driving there, sit inside a cardboard box. Then claim you're bigger than Sheffield, Manchester, London or anywhere else better than Leeds. You should start to have a feeling of what life in Leeds is like.
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