Leona Lewis

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Leona and her family members unmasked.
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Leona Lewis.

“She's brought back Jazz Hands!”

~ The general public on Leona's stand on the spot, arm-motion dance style.

“Some people wait a life time, for a vegetable like this.”

~ Leona Lewis on her favorite meal

“She's a firestarter, twisted firestarter.”

~ The Prodigy on Leona Lewis' childhood

Leona Louise Lewis (born 3 April 1985) is a Horse that somehow appeared as a contestant in the third series of the British television series Britain's Got the Pop Factor... and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice, which she eventually won.

Troubled early life[edit]

Lewis’ life has been quite uneventful a rollercoaster ride of fun, fun, fun and the occasional gun shot. She grew up in the jungle of Hackney, London where her and her family members were observed by Steven Hawkin and a bunch of other scientists. From the early age of two years, the young star in the making was following in her family’s honorable footsteps, shoplifting and fire starting in all alleyways the 'hood.

Reaching the tender age of five, the young girl was finally ready for her annunciation as she stepped into adulthood by not being A VIRGIN. It is said that Leona lost it to a cucumber (she is vegetarian and against violence, which probably nulls this hypothesis anyways).

It was then that she discovered the world of singing when reading her stolen mag. The world of drugs and alcohol abuse song and dance became an inspiration to Leona as she then aimed to become just like Whitney Houston.

Leona has a history of motor-theft and enjoys sniffing petrol.[1][2]

Q: What was the first big thing you bought when you started making some money?
A: I got a Mini Cooper. That's the only thing I've bought, really, because I used to steal [...] car[s].

Many years later and entering the X Factor[edit]

Finally after trying to become famous via giving music producers sexual favors, Lewis gave into the fact that she had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. One grand day however she saw the light, speculation has it that Simon asked for a night of fun to be allowed entrance into the X Factor Live finals.

When there, she shot through each round, whittling her way down to the final, final!!! She was only up against some reject scouser however so she took the crown of winner effortlessly, before having it stole by the Liverpudlian due to his classic tendancy to steal (just like all Liverpudlians), but she pick pocketed it back because she's a bad pussy cockney tea-leaf, just like Oliver, and went on to released her debut single "A vegetable like this".

Her voice sounds like a cat trying to escape from a fire, probably a fire she started.

Album release[edit]

After the success of her debut single and all of the selling records it broke, (probably due to Simon Cowell using the images of her CD cover to pleasure himself to) Leona went away for a while to work on her masterpiece. Finally she returned to the world of the carnivore with her album “Carrot”. It was painfully obvious however that after the young lady had reached number one in every country in every continent in every bloody world, that she was not interested in the singing but rather the chance to convert everyone to vegetarians. The track list is as follows.

  1. Beleding potato
  2. Whatever it takes… I will finish this broccoli
  3. Beanless
  4. Better with carrots
  5. Yesterday, I had no sprouts
  6. Take a leak
  7. I will eat sensibly
  8. You’re an Angel if you’re a vegetarian
  9. Here I am… eating chips
  10. I’m you, so you have to be a vegetarian
  11. The best Soya you never had
  12. The first time ever I ate some peas
  13. Footprints in the salad
  14. A vegetable like this

A deluxe edition was also released.. and includes the following extra tracks

  1. Forgive Me.. I dropped your salad
  2. I Misses my Glass peas
  3. Run away.. its brussels sprouts!
  4. It's Raining Yams
  5. Blasting Farts

Check out Leona Lewis' latest hit, it's a gas!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbT813Lxa3M

Voice[edit]

Lewis' voice is so extreme, she has often pitted herself against Dyson hoovers and other loud household appliances. One rumor which Kelly Clarkson created and was very much present until recently is that she is currently brainwashed by Whitney Houston who is desperately trying to relive her wild youth and NOT marry Bobby this time round. Upon this being dispelled however, the public learned that Leona is in fact the most powerful source for noise on the planet. Disney world have even hired her on several occasions to scream at the pit of her lungs around the park at various locations, just so it may sound like thousands of young school girls are enjoying themselves.

Rivalry[edit]

Kelly the arch enemy of Leona Lewis, posing with the ropes she is destined to duel Leona with.

Because of the many wonders of the young lady's voice, it has attracted the unwanted attention of a reoccurring enemy. These stem from the likes of Mariah Carey, Bill Clinton, Gordon Brown and the infamous Kelly Clarkson. Lewis' rivalry with Kelly has stemmed back from her slight alteration of "A Texan Like this", changing it into "A vegetable Like this". The outrage that Clarkson displayed was as follows, "I dislike the sky... OK!" which relates in no way but she found this to be adequate enough at the time.

Since the start of this ever growing rivalry, Leona and Kelly have met three times in mortal combat, the judges being Ron Paul, the late Heath Ledger and lord Voldermort himself. The results of these battles have since been inconclusive, meaning that they must again return for the final heat off sometime in the near future, providing that Simon will stop chasing Lewis... sexually that is. Ancient myth has it that...

“ If Leonath Lewis should meet thy Kellith Clarkson in a battle of the voices then the world shall descent into a Dystopia for generations until finally an artist loses their breath. ”

~ Ancient Prophecy on the grim, grim future

Such grim tales have often ended in many children going without sleep for many nights, let us hope that these events never transpire.

Controversy[edit]

Leona's single "Bleeding Love" was the centre of a whirlwind of controversy as it focused on Leona's personal problems with her un-born child and her ex-lover Les Dawson. Rumours began to circulate and it was soon common knowledge that Leona Lewis was pregnant with Les Dawson's child. The rumours of pregnancy were true, however Les Dawson didn't want the child and Leona was forced to have an abortion in order to keep Les by her side, hence the title "Bleeding Love". Further facts suggest that, immediately after the abortion, Les Dawson dislocated his humoungous jaw (believed to be that of a blue whale) and swallowed the fetus whole. He said "It slipped down my throat like a dream. The best meal I've had in years."

It has been said that Lewis is in fact a vegetable in disguise… but this was denied by her mentor, Simon Cowbag.

In 2007 Lewis admitted that she does indeed believe that salad causes your teeth to turn into alcohol. The papers used this story as a front page article for over 1 week. The head lines spanned from "INSANE LEWIS!" to "She seems to be making sense..." and finally to "She was right!"

Leona Lewis was once a member of the KKK. In a statement, Lewis said "I just love irony!".

The public has since found out that it was in fact Leona who assumed the role of Big Brother in 1984, using her serenading voice to entrance the public. She has of course denied all accusations as of this date.

Leon Jackson (The Scottish boy) has been reported of acts of jealously due to Lewis' fame that he has attempted to seduce her and take pictures of her naked body on 4 separate occasions. To this day he tells the press that each and every time he found Leona's location Louis Walsh would be there instead, urging the Scot to fulfill his previous plans for Leona but to him instead. Apparently Louis has even dressed as Leona on two of those occasions, proving unsuccessful even then.

Leona's love for French toast is bordering on obsessive says the Telegraph.

She is currently dating Simon Cowell, David Bowie, Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Chris Brown and Kelly Clarskon.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Interview with Marc Malkin, "Leona Lewis: A Star Is Born", E! Online, 7 April 2008.
  2. Leona Gossips with Glamour About Katy, David and Lou, Popsugar, 5 November 2008.

External links[edit]